Controversial Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Controversial Question
5
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 8:31am

I was involved w/ a MM from work. We began as friends, and had our affair for about 4 mths. He was taking all the steps and said all the things to create the perfect path to having a divorce. He was going to leave his W. But then when it came to the court papers, he buckled. Something happened and things haulted. Before i knew it i was being told by him that we needed to slow things down and he needed to see if he had to give his marriage one more try before he made this decision. He said that he needed to give it a second chance for a peace of mind.

I was blown away. How could he have said all those things to me and taken all these steps? ( He slept at a friends house for months, looked for a new home, talked to his broker to sell their house and got the divorce papers).

He told me he had feelings for me and cared but feels he needs to concrete on whats going on at home to contemplate to divorce her. It was utter shock and hurt. That was the bomb my intuition was warning me about. Bingo.

Ya know, i love how they just act like youre supposed to do a 360 overnight too with this and 100% support them or something. He's a pretty respectable guy who has listened to me talk to him about this a few times so i did get my point out to him. He tells me i make sense about things. ( but of course i'm not changing things, that is up to him - hes a big boy. . he initiated this mess and he can finish his mess , his life)

I'm getting through this, have my good days and bad and my PRIDE is completely is in a 'reconstructon process'as we speak. Its hard to see him at work. THIS SITUATION IS VERY DIFFICULT - especially work relationships, ugh ! ! We do the 'friends' thing but of course sometimes that is not good enough & you want to throw something and get mad, but remain calm and understand that this whole thing would have never happened if I had never entered it. ( Regretville )I do know better. I'm never as God as my witness getting involved w/ an unavailable man.

Our feelings moved us forward more than we should have in this relationship. We started out as friends and ended friends lol how ironic. It should have just stayed that way. But we dont want to end on rash terms either.

And you know what, in the back of my mind in all reality i knew that there was a chance that he would never leave her. I mean i know its not an easy step by all means.
So that thought was there.

We dont regret the feelings for each other & we both mutually agree that we still have the feelings and care to this day BUT he has to concentrate on whats going on 'at home'. We still conversate and its been 2 weeks now since the break.

My controversial question is and I have to ask this becaues i'm only human and it has crossed my mind - any women out there who was the OW in the marital affair, did you ever have the temptation to tell the the wife he cheated on her?

In my scenario i asked my exMM if he was ever going to tell her. He never really answered if anything i believe i got a 'I Dont Know.'

In a way i feel for her, because its not right. He betrayed both of us. If he were to really go through the divorce then he would not have to confront the issue deeply because there was his motive to go forward ( partial ). But since he's going to give this a second try with her, shes going into this NOT knowing he cheated?

What do I do? What do i think or say? How do i grit my teeth, bite my tounge enough? It hurts and sucks that he goes home, she moved back in to the house. Its funny because the other night he told me that I must assume its all ' peaches and cream at home when really its not and its still akward' im thinkin buddy , akward you want to talk about akward ! ! ! lol ( i.e. work )

Then he tells me that they have not yet sat down and discussed anything about this 'almost divorce' and i'm thinking is this not a priority to this couple or what?
I dont get it.

And i know ive been told to not do anything at all ............ wow people just walk away??????????? how do people live like that and not tell the truth EVENTUALLY?

I preached to him that its not going to be the same, the marriage is bascially poisoned. No ifs ands or buts about it.

Okay so i am not a saint in this, but the thing is, i THOUGHT he was going to leave her, not reenter the marriage w/ the affair history and lies to her. I mean how is this going to really work? He told me that he doesnt know if its going to work with her but as long as he gives her a second shot, then he'll know to move on or not.

Yea nice that he figures this out NOW. This guy never knew what the hell he wanted lol. And believe me, i'm not waiting on him either.
I have my hate moments and then i just shut up because i knew what the chances of THIS happening, the break off and him get the cold feet and contemplate his actions.

Much easier to give a second chance then to go ahead and dive into divorce sometimes i suppose?

Thank you for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 12:44pm
I have had moments too where I wanted to tell exMM's wife. AND I'm MARRIED too. But I've been so mad at his lies and the way he's treated me that it has crossed my mind. I haven't done it and won't. Telling someone's wife, does nothing but turn you into a revenge seeker. I understand the THINKING behind it..and the feelings..but we can't do that. It only makes us out to be the bad ones. Also- his marriage isn't poisoned by an affair in that he needs to tell her to move onward. I do not intend to tell my husband about my affair. It is over and I LOVE my husband and telling him would never amount to anything but bad feelings. So I understand your emotions..but the only thing to do is move on and let him worry about what he does within his marriage. You will never trust in this man, if he leaves her even ONE more time. Will you? Do you want to go through life knowing you "got" someone else's husband and have to then worry if he will remain faithful to you too in the future? Just start over, and do what you can to get past this. You deserve much better, and there are far better things to do for yourself, than waste time thinking what he should be doing regarding his marriage..
Good luck and hugs to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 1:43pm

"You will never trust in this man, if he leaves her even ONE more time. Will you? Do you want to go through life knowing you "got" someone else's husband and have to then worry if he will remain faithful to you too in the future?"

You know youre very right here, I would not be able to trust him. And no i dont want to go on knowing that i took someone's husband. That always crossed my mind while in the affair.

I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion/decision about telling their spouse they have cheated. I mean we hear stories all the time that reveal that someone confessed to the spouse and it either worked or didnt. But thats a risk in itself. An affair is a risk too.

I dont know what i would personally do if i were married and cheated on my husband. I personally would pray to God it never got that bad to where I would want to. I cherish things too much. I guess in ways i was trying to fix things for him and it backfired. Oops i'm human.

Youre right though i wouldnt trust this man, ever either. I look at him through a difference scope now and there is no hope in my eyes for us to be together again one day, only on a friends level if anything.

You know how afterwards its like they try to brush you off because of their overwhelmed plate of guilt on their shoulders? That really hurts/has hurted me in this. It degrades you as a being ( feels like, not liertally does of course ). I guess I just have high expecations/standards for myself and i let myself down. I wont forgive him in a long time and i believe i can forgive myself before him. Thats the truth. I'm going to look out for me over him in this.

In a sense of relief, i'm glad i dont have to deal with him and his marriage. I want marriage to be a nice experience, not haunt me w/ this kind of scenario what he calls a relationship and/or marriage. Not for me, not my cup of tea.

Its the transition that i think i've had the hardest time dealing with. Going from lover to friend. He still is kind of flirty and that throws me off but i know down inside what he is doing.

Thank you very much for your support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 3:08pm

you said: I dont know what i would personally do if i were married and cheated on my husband. I personally would pray to God it never got that bad to where I would want to.

I cheated on my husband. Things never got "bad".. I just need to express this because I think your perspective is, that cheating happens only when marriages get bad. I LOVE and have felt blessed to have the husband I do. I never in a million years imagined cheating on him, in fact I too used to think poorly of people who cheated. But in 2001 I had contact with someone from my past- someone who I had extreme chemistry with/and a past romance that stuck with me for a long time. What started out as a harmless connection, talking and emails with that person- lead to cheating. Call it what you will..but it happened, I regret it, and in no way did it mean my marriage wasn't good. It is possible to love more than one person in your life time..and I'm not making excuses for what I did, but I don't want you to think or expect that cheating is about bad marriages..or bad people. People are human..with intense feelings and emotions..and its far too complicated to just lump those who cheat into people who aren't thinking or aren't happy in their marriages. I do wish you the best..and hope you find someone that will be JUST yours and yours alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:23pm

"People are human..with intense feelings and emotions..and its far too complicated to just lump those who cheat into people who aren't thinking or aren't happy in their marriages. I do wish you the best..and hope you find someone that will be JUST yours and yours alone."

Yea I agree with the fact that were human and have the intense feelings and things happen, i just also believe that things are never really the same afterwards.

I have a hard time understanding how anyone can cheat on their spouse and stay in the same mindset as the vow they took at the alter. The marraige has been been corrupted in a way. I know things can happen and i completely understand what youre saying. It happens. I mean i would be a hypacrite to sit here and believe that we cant make mistakes, i mean look at what i got myself into. I guess your outlook gave me an ease in a sense to think that him and i , we made some mistakes but we went on our emotions, the intense emotions in an affair/relationship.

I dont want to badger him or anything and i never once did say that i think of anyone who cheats as bad people, etc. I just think its a lack of committment period. Its not that anyone is labeled "bad,awful."

I just purely think that if someone is completely happy they dont leap into something. If there is an overwelming wall of love and romance and happiness in a marriage, i believe w/ faith that a person wouldnt cheat. There are people out there that are not happy and dont cheat, its their choice and strong will to not do so.

I think my tolernace level and perception it is different and i may be very old fashioned. But overall i can definitely understand your personal point of view and no i dont judge it completely or i would have never been involved with my exMM, my friend.
:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-12-2005 - 4:41pm
Some people are truly happy, and have great marriages.. but their internal dialogue is momentarily shifted by another person. NO other person on earth could have that impact on me, but that one person from my past unfortunately. I'm just trying to explain to you that even those in good marriages make mistakes. I made the mistake. I also think my mistake was made because after being married to one person for several years, and living with them 24/7--you lose the butterfly feelings--. That's because true love isn't about butterfly feelings, it's much more. But some of us- have personalities that crave that butterfly feeling, so much so that when it appears, we act impulsively. And once you let that person in, it's not so simple to just push them out. That's my M.O., can't speak for others but it is far too easy to be the single person judging the married person who 'cheats'..without knowing how it is to be married. I guess I am a bit offended that you post that my marriage must be corrupted. Its not. I made a mistake, I'm done with it, and will never do that again. But my marriage is in no way corrupted..I don't mean to sound defensive- but I am. Because I think I'm used to coming here and finding it a safe place to vent, without someone judging what it must mean for "my marriage"..Especially from someone who is not married.