Conversation with H.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Conversation with H.
6
Mon, 11-23-2009 - 5:09pm

I would like to start by saying that I (as of yesterday-Sunday) am at 8 weeks of NC! I made the decision to be done once and for all and have actually stuck to it. In moments where I thought "what have I done...did I do the right thing" I didn't give in

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 12:29am

You probably think by now I am stalking you...lol


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 2:25am

Clarity,


Thank you for your response. Sending a high five your way! I tell you...in all honesty....I never thought I would get to where I am nowadays. I was the Queen of justification....I could talk anyone into anything and make them think it was their idea. I had a reason for everything I did and no one could tell me otherwise. Nowadays I am holding myself responsible for my actions and learning to love myself. I am working on myself and my mindset. I am learning to be honest with myself and those around me. I am becoming a better wife and mother....a better person inside and out. I owe a lot of it to this board because the people on here called me on my b#llsh!t and as much as I hated hearing it in the beginning.....I needed it. I was consumed by this addiction and couldn't see my way out and I needed someone to take me by the hand and show me the way out and that is just what happened. You all helped me find the strength to face myself and work on my issues. It is still a work in progress but the big picture is finally taking shape.


I was

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 8:57am

Kristin,
Ha. Stalked by Clarity. Heck, I'd planning on hunting her down and moving in with her! Oh, and E1, too. I'm going to rotate houses between the two - they can share custody of me. ;)

re: how men listen. It's very important to find what works best for your man. The Ts seem to all say that we have to be face to face, speak in "I" statements, touch each other, nod like a spastic chicken to show we're listening.... and so on and so forth. This might work for some, but not all. And it might work _some_ of the time but not every time. I think it's important to be flexible, stay open to new ways, and (most importantly for women like us) DON'T GET DISCOURAGED AND GIVE UP. I gave up for a long time because I got so discouraged that my H didn't seem to be able to internalize and react to my needs. Having to feed him his lines, remind him of my existence, and basically treating him like a puppy in training! It got old, and I got my feelings hurt every time my H-puppy piddled on my emotional rug. But, recently, I have embraced the whole 'training' idea; I realized that my H really wants to make changes, that its not that he doesn't care about or notice me... it's that he needs to learn better habits, better ways of dealing with his life, stress, me. I give him lots of praise and affirmation for good behavior, use calm but firm and 'in the moment' corrections when he needs it, and I'm making my expectations crystal clear so that he's not confused. It's working, for the most part. Heck, he keeps this up, he'll be getting snausages in no time. I'm being serious here - I know it sound patronizing to him, but it's not really that way. He's a willing student, I just have to keep up the faith that he can learn, and that this is just a temporary state -- soon, he'll have learned new habits that he's internalized and I can put away the rolled up newspaper.

Side note: Again with the similarities! My 12yo D and your 8yo are the same! I feel your pain and frustrations dealing with a special needs kiddo. And, we have two pre-Kers, too. 3 and almost 5. Girl, you know what I'm talking about here! Stress City! H and I remind ourselves to go easy on each other -- remembering that each of us is at full capacity just dealing with life, not related to the M problems. A little mercy goes a long way. And being on the same team! Team Mom and Dad against the world.... it's really a powerful, purposeful and bonded feeling. Hope you and you H are feeling it.

Keep posting! You inspire me.

Cheers,
Dee (um, transplanted Texan)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 2:48pm

Dee,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 11-24-2009 - 7:50pm

Kristin,
I wish I had more time to respond but this looks like the last time I might be able to get online until after Thanksgiving and I'm rushed! Sorry! Sweet Thing, all I can advise is that you take advantage of every single opportunity, resource and offer for assistance that comes your way. Reach out to friends for help, babysitting, a small break here and there. Make sure you investigate the resources in your community. Be a bulldog when it comes to getting all the benefits and help available from governmental agencies and never take 'no' for an answer. Support Groups are WONDERFUL. Even if you're tired or overwhelmed, force yourself to join one; it's so worth it. A real lifesafer for me, at one point.

God never gives us more than we can handle (although I think he pushes the envelope!) And you sound like one tough mamajama, so I am confident you're going to be just fine. Kiddo, too. She's going to surprise you one day - mark my words.

Got to run! God Bless and have a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Wed, 11-25-2009 - 2:24am

Thank you Dee. I do have her in programs provided by the school and local MHMR. She has also started going to Sunday School which she seems to enjoy and it gives me some quiet time.