COPING

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
COPING
9
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 5:37pm

Hi again,

Thank you all for your wonderful support. First off I am going to try really hard get through this without medication or counseling. I changed health insurance when I retired and the insurance does not pay for worthwhile meds or counseling.

So this is how I'm coping. First I have not initiated any contact and he has not contacted me. I read a lot of very helpful information in the healing library and read the posts on MAS and realized that everything I am thinking and has happened is very common. NOTHING is different with my A than anyone else (except paying for a room with quarters)...LOL

Since I tend to over analyze and obsess, I took a rubber band and put it on my wrist and snapped it whenever I thought of him. Here's the problem, I was getting welts on my wrist because I was snapping it so many times.

I went to see the movie Hope Springs and cried through the entire movie because this is how I got involved in an A in the first place having a marriage where H works all the time watches TV and takes me for granted.

I will keep everyone posted on my progress. And for those of you that are worried, I WILL NOT HARM  MYSELF!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: willowwomen
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 6:11pm

Good for you for staying the course.  I'm so glad you found us because I know it's comforting knowing that you don't have to go alone.

I, too, am concerned somewhat about your past suicide attempts...if you feel you are faltering and having those thoughts again, please contact at least your primary care physician.  There are many worthwhile medications out there and the generic brands can be reasonable...break open your piggy bank and make payment in quarters :smileyhappy:  And I can recommend counseling enough.  A trained professional can really get to our core issues that need working through and can help guide you.

You absolutely can't go wrong sticking with NC, and if you feel an intense urge coming on to reach out to that man, please come here first so we can talk you off the ledge.  If no one's here, continue on with some reading in the H.L. for strength and to occupy your mind, call a friend, hug your kids, hug your pets, get that dustbunny waaay in the corner under the bed...anything else but call that man.

Maybe it would be a good idea to avoid movies that are tear-jerkers (unless you need a good cry) and stick with light and humorous movies.  A few of my favorites that either have me laughing out loud or at least sitting there with a smile on my face throughout:  Waking Ned Devine, Overboard, It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World...those are off the top of my head.

Please keep us posted,...better yet, hang around and participate as much as you can.

Thank you for the reassurance that you will not harm yourself....we do worry about that with newbies.

((hugs))

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
In reply to: willowwomen
Thu, 08-16-2012 - 6:13pm

Willow,

Good to hear you are hanging in there! I thought about the rubber band thing before, but didn't try it, I would have deep gashes in my wrists!

I just heard about that movie this morning, a coworker said she saw it and loved it. When she described a bit of it, I said I'd probably cry through it. Probably better wait til it comes out in dvd.

Keep up the good work! ((((((((hugs))))))))))))

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2009
In reply to: willowwomen
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 2:00am

Hi Willow

A couple of things worry me a little about your post. I am of course glad to hear you are coping - maybe I can help a little.

First, I think you should prioritize your meds - are they anti-D medication? There is a reason you have been prescribed them in the past, and there is a reason why you should still be taking them today. Would you tell at Diabetic to "cope" without their Meds? No... I am also talking from experience, I put myself back on Anti-Ds at the 3-4 month mark, as my intial motivation to stop my A helped a lot, but I soon found my depression creeping over me, and it was scary. Please consider putting your health first.

Secondly. There may be people on this board who disagree with me, but I think NC should include not reading over at MAS. I made this rule for myself when I stared my journey 7 months ago, and believe me it really helps not reading over there. There is nothing to learn over there, its just hurt and painful reminders of where we were, not where we are going. Its just my opinion, so take it or leave it :-) And it not to offend any MAS'er - I was an avid reader and partisipater over there while in my A nightmare.

Hang in there sweetie - we've got your back, so keep writing and sharing. This place is truely priceless.

love WGO

Every recovery is a kind of rebirth
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
In reply to: willowwomen
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 5:49am

Hi Willow,

Good to see you think positively. You are coping! If you believe in you then I do too....

Welcome aboard! First thing you do is get a life jacket on. The sea is not calm and wont be for a while!! But the Captain at the helm knows what she is doing so we are in safe hands. You have had great advice above and I will just echo what has been said in relation to your depression, the minute you feel your mood dip(and you will cos most peoples does during this) then pls do go speak with your doctor. I also agree with WGO re MAS. It is a great board with really good folk who support each other through thick and thin and some do manage to end their A's their way. BUT the quickest and absolute way to get out is NC. Such a horrid little concept at the beginning. I honestly thought I would die if I couldn't speak to XAP well here I am 99 days later and feeling a lot happier. Half the battle is wanting out and it sounds to like you do... You really want out.

 

Now about those darn rubber bands and welts on your arm!! Im not a fan of negative reinforcement, heck we hurt ourselves enough on this journey we don't need to sting ourselves with rubber bands!!!! A much gentler and more rewarding reinforcement might be if you got an empty jar and every time you think of him put a quarter in, then on day 90 NC (Tweenerville) take em out and treat yourself to something nice (Hotel room is not an option) I wish I could work out the monetary value a quarter to our money but numbers is not my forte. Im guessing it is low though :smileyhappy:

So Willow you have a busy day ahead, deleting numbers, blocking emails, social networks, every avenue of contact (if you haven't already) and don't forget to change up some money to have quarters at the ready. Wishing you a ton of strength Willow You can do this.

 

(((Hugs)))

Sunny Soon Xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
In reply to: willowwomen
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 7:44am

I am still coping. I did break NC and send him a birthday message. Yesterday was his birthday. BUT, I actually got a reply that will help in my ending journey. Since his W has been laid off, he has to account to her his where about after work. I know some of you will say, OH you will find away but in this relationship there has only been very short specific times we could talk or see each other. With  W checking up on him this is a good ending.

I have been praying for an ending with less pain, maybe this is the answer to my prayer.

I know I am not  as weepy today as last week.

This is the beginning!

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
In reply to: worthmore
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 9:42am
Well, I hope that works out. You may need to examine, though, why you felt the need to contact him on his birthday. That sounds like an effort to maintain a relationship. He does not sound any more likely to wrap things up on his end either or he wouldn't have contacted you.

In my experience, these things don't come from the outside. Ending an A is an internal resolution. Even people who have had their xap's disappear on them don't seem to automatically accept what's been thrust upon them. They email, stalk and keep it alive in their heads until they realize they're wasting precious moments of their lives pining after someone who doesn't want/cannot have a real relationship. There are many posters here who can tell tales of having emailed for months but getting no response. It doesn't end until a conscious decision is made by the ender (us).

Maybe now is the time to decide that you want this less weepiness to continue and to grow. Maybe it's time to decide you want to stop hurting yourself. You're on the sugar high of contact and, like a real sugar high, it won't last. You'll need to contact him again shortly, probably because it'll be labour day or raining or you saw a cloud that reminded you of something and you just have to tell him. I'm not teasing. I'm being serious. Your brain will always find a way to get you to do what it wants. This is a tough addiction to kick.

The path to no more pain is NC. All you have to do is follow it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: withclarity
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 10:01am

I hope this is the last message ever sent. There will always be another birthday, a holiday, a get-well moment, happy chocolate day as an excuse to break NC.   Please put a plan in place for those weak, painful moments.  Come here and talk it out, read through the Healing Library, call a friend, hug your kid(s), hug your husband, pat your pet, get involved with a project, get working on your 'whys'.

Ultimately you want to find yourself in a place that you are ended because you have arrived at your on conclusion that it needs to be ended and stay ended...not because his wife has made it more difficult to carry on.

I've noted your NC date.  Am I'm kinda anal about the neatness of my index cards, and so if you keep breaking NC and I have to keep crossing out the date and adding a new date, I end up just ripping up the card and starting a new one...cause I like things neat. And if this happens too frequently, I'll start billing you...they're probably  two cents a piece...just so ya know :smileywink:

To new beginnings...cheers! <clink clink>

((hugs))

Clarity

edited..I really need to start using spellcheck

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
In reply to: willowwomen
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 8:38pm

Thanks for the replies. I read my post and felt stupid. I understand about the "high" also. I really am working on this Clairity and everyone else. Luckly I have been busy with my new job and don't have as much time to think.

I love weekends because there is no possible contact and I feel free. I felt free when he was with his family on vacation.

As I read these statements a "DUH" moment occured.

NC=FREEDOM

Willow

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
In reply to: withclarity
Tue, 08-21-2012 - 9:16pm

Ahhhh, don't feel stupid, but if there IS anywhere you can admit to doing a stupid thing or two, it is right here because we have all sat and visited with stupid.

With time and distance, the DUH moments, which start to bust up the fog, really begin to add up, and before you know it, you're in the clear.

It's good you are busy with your new job.  I hope you are happy in it.  

At some point, though, you are going to have sit with yourself and do some heavy duty thinking.  This is where a good therapy comes in...I really can't stress that enough.

I believe you ARE working on this.  You must be 24-hours NC by now...that's BIG!

NC=FREEDOM.  You got that right!

((hugs))

Clarity