could it get any worst?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
could it get any worst?!?
14
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 6:31pm
Hello everyone,

I am started new :( again. This has to be the millionth attempt to cut this crap out of my life. I did see him again just under 2 weeks ago. We ended up getting together :( it was horrible. We were talking and he actually admitted to me that he is having sex with another other woman. I felt sick! Ok so I have cut all ties to him. He is blocked. But I really don't think I can get him out of my system. I am crying all day and night. Prior to this I was NC for 2 almost 3 months and I was so miserable throughout. All I do is think of him :'( I hate that I do that. I really don't know why I am posting because I feel like there is no helping me. Do you want to know what is worst? I still miss him knowing what slime he is. I really need help! I really need to make sense of why I abuse myself the way I do with the thoughts I have of him. I am constantly making my self sick thinking that he is enjoying himself with these women and hate to say but I feel like yesterdays garbage :( I am just in a bad spot now. I also noticed that everything else in my life is suffering. Family, friendsn works etc. All gone to shizzzzz.

Thank you so very much for listening

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 6:58pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 7:04pm

Hi live Laugh Love!

WELCOME! Here's a kleenex, a pillow and a blanket and a HUG! You're where you BELONG.

I LOVE! YOUR MONIKER!!!! So appropriate.

I think EVERY person on this board landed feeling just as wiped out and pathetic as you do right now. Doesnt mean you are or we are or were...when you're running as fast as you can to get the heck out of such an addictive cycle that an affair is...You gotta land somewhere.

I can GUARANTEE YOU! If you're serious about getting out and getting better - YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT HERE - no matter how many times you've tried or even have

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 7:31pm

Dear Lx3 -

"But I really don't think I can get him out of my system. I am crying all day and night. Prior to this I was NC for 2 almost 3 months and I was so miserable throughout. All I do is think of him"

My dear friend - this is the stem from which so much grief comes.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 7:38pm
oh thank u .. just cried yet again. a good cry though. i have been down this nc road and that is why i am so much more harder on myself. i feel as if i dont have it in me. i feel like i am chasing my tail with this guy. i want what was.. or is? or was it always this way and i didnt see it? i really want out! so bad! i feel so ashamed and i have done things that are so degrading. i cant cope with who i have become. I have read here so many times who cares about him its about you.. I know.. But all I am thinking is why did you come into my life with such bad intentions, and why did I allow for this! I don't even know how I let this happened. This A ruined me! More than I thought! I am single and I feel like I have wasted so much time already with the man. 4 years :( too long!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 7:45pm
Oh lolly..

I think I am getting what you are saying! I have nothing really going on in my life now as of lately so I will just stay in my house all day and sometimes I won't even get out of bed. I could see how that would be hurtful in my healing. I feel like I am depressed and sometimes I don't have it in me to even try :( I really don't know where to begin! I did start journaling again and came forth on eas again. I really feel desperate! I will just have to take baby steps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 7:49pm

Aw Lx3

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 7:51pm
You are isolating - a normal reaction. When we are hurting we hibernate and lick our wounds. We close out the world in fear of being hurt again - like all other addictions - your A leads you to isolate to protect the lies, the dishonesty, all of it. STOP isolating. Go out with friends (who have probably missed you), invite people over, volunteer, whatever - it's hard to feel sad for yourself when you are giving service to others.
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 9:16pm
I'm 32 years old single never married and no children. All I want is a good man by my side who will love me wholeheartedly and have children. A little bit of my past.. prior to this affair I was in a very long term commited relationship heck I thought I was going to marry him. Well 4 years later my ex and I are actually very good friends. I met XAP about a year after my break up and I was (so I thought) in a good place. I was starting to find myself out of my previous relationship. I was dating ex since highschool. I was so young. Also was the type of relationship where it was all about him and me trying to please him. And to him I was never enough. XAP came along and showed me the complete opposite. He wanted to talk to me everyday, told me I was beautiful, told me how much he desired me! That was short lived. That carried on only the first year. The few years after that was chasing that initial high at the beginning. Anyway, I had many changes in these last few years where I even had a major career change which btw is not going so well is landing a job in my new field so that alone is depressing me. I have lost friends along the way because they were I guess the kind of friends that really at the end of the day only want you around when you are cheerful. Yes, they were there to listen but they got sick of it. So maybe I pushed them away. You know something, I really don't know what to say about myself?! Isn't that crazy. I have made this pain be me! I lost touch with what I love and what my passions are. I did however come up with a plan to volunteer at a hospital for sick kids. I think about children who are dealing with cancer and what their daily struggles are.

You are so right about isolating yourself. I feel worst but at the same time it is all I want to do. I don't have that inner spark. That spark is gone. I wish I never met him!

Sorry but what did you mean by refining me?

Thank you so much for listening, people who I have talked to don't get it as they say you got over your ex but why not this guy you did not even have a relationship with him? Makes sense right? But this is different. I feel not only sadness of what ifs, but all the stupid things I have shamed myself with. Oh man I can't even get into that. Lol. I was not even really myself! Or was I? I am questioning my whole self now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 9:35pm

Hi LLL-

I remember you from when I started posting this past summer. I'm very glad you came back :) You are going through a lot right now, so please be patient and take it one minute at a time OK? You WILL get past this. And you will find a wonderful man of your very own to have a family with. You've already taken the first step - NC and coming back here. Just focus on that right now. You made it a few months before and you can do it again - but this time for good.

Volunteering at the hospital is a wonderful idea. When you start putting positive things out there, the universe will lob them right back at you :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Fri, 11-19-2010 - 9:45pm
Aww thanks Bodhi it was so hard to come back and confront my failure of nc and myself! I have said this so many times before but I can't make new hurts the old ones are enough to handle. Now I am dealing with the past and the new hurts :( now I really know what a slime bag he is. He is a cheater because that is what he likes to do for his own reasons. Everything was an act on his part. But hey I shouldve known better. He was not available to me to start. It really sounded on his part that it was over between them. I'm so naïve ugh! Hope you're doing well and I'm so happy you are still here :-). So awesome! How are you healing? You have been with xap 7 years right? You are one strong lady!

Pages