Could use advice, anyone else been here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Could use advice, anyone else been here?
8
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:22am

I am so confused and mixed up. I love my DH, we have been together forever, since 10th grade in high school. We've been having problems, mainly him not helping me around the house or paying attention to me. We have a 1 year old son that he does help take care of, but other than that, nothing. He never pays attention to me at all. Never tells me he loves me, never asks how my day went, nothing. About a month and a half ago I started talking to a friend who is a guy. He has been wonderful. We've spent a lot of time together and talking and just hanging out. He makes me feel wanted and desired. He LISTENS to me and truly cares for me. He'll send me an email every morning just to say hi and see how I'm doing. We have been physical twice.

We both have come to the conclusion that we can not do anything like that again, but we both have extremely strong feelings for each other. He has told me repeatedly that if I was not married he would be with me in an instant but is afraid to tell me he loves me. Anyway, he obviously has no ties to me since I am in my situation. There are other girls that are interested in him and he tries to avoid it with me, but I'm not stupid. I can't expect him to hang around forever. I don't want him to. I want him to be happy. My question is, how do I not be jealous or hurt when he does? I know it's going to happen and if he is happy that is all that should matter to me. I just don't know how to deal with the hurt, because I am hurt that it is happening. Thanks for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:11am
Hi brea, look before things get to deep, If you still love your H like you say you do then sit him down and tell him how you feel. Men are funny creatures, they have no idea when they don't communicate they are doing any tnhig wrong, I do think you need to find out what is going on. How long has he been that way with you and does he do other things different than he used to do, such as not always come home after work or makes up reasons to leave the house? If he is just being a D/h then you need to let him know how you feel and see if you can work on your marriage, you have alot invested in this so find out the deal. Let o/m go and find out whats with the marriage because if you continue on like you are you could be in one heck of a mess and alot more hurt.
Good luck
kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:22am
Hi Kat, thanks for responding. My H has been like this for about a year or better now. I've brought it up to him in the past and he will get better for a week and it's right back to the way it was before. I work 30 hours, go to school part time, plus take care of my son when I get home, my house, cook dinner, do laundry, all the "house" stuff. He doesn't help me. When I told him I needed help, he told me to "remind him" and he'll help me. I've built up such a resentment towards him and I know that deep down I love him, but I can honestly say that for about a month before o/m came along I just feel nothing. I'm not sure if that is depression (which I have a problem with) or what. I know that I'm in too deep. I'm trying to let go of o/m, I really am. He sends me emails just to talk, nothing implied. He really is a good person, he understands and completely respects that nothing will be unless I get a D. What a mess....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:35am

brea,

i can only say that it is very painful if u continue down that road, u said u love your H, maybe u need to find out first what is wrong with your M, have u considered counselling, try to solve the issues in your marriage

OM is providing you with that attention u crave from H, it feels good, its gonna be addicting especially if u have been intimate already

this is just coming from experiece, stop it while u still can, if it goes on it will be harder to stop and people will get hurt in the end including yourself big time

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:44am
I'm sorry your hurting, I have been there. My Ex H was like that with me but as it turned out he had been cheating on me on and off for years, that is what caused him to become so distant. Thats why I asked if any thing else about him had changed, little habits and things of that nature. There will come a time when you will need to decide if this is a marriage you want to stay in, I did for 15 yrs. and I wasted alot of time. It took my daughter to tell me I had to leave or she was. I know there are alot of reasons people stay in an un-happy marriage and have someone on the side, but for some strange reason it only seems to acceptable for women to stay for the wrong reasons and not the men, don't get that but that's off the subject. Do some investigating see what you find and if there's nothing tell H that things have to change because your not happy and you love him but you need more and see if he'll go to counseling. But you can't have an A in the mix because then it's not going to work with the marriage. If husband is unwilling to try and work on marriage or you find something out on H's part decide what you want to do about it anf stick to your guns.
Hugs,
kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:19pm
Max, I think you are right, all of the things that I heard from OM was what I have wanted to hear from my H for so long. To feel wanted and desired, to be made to feel beautiful...this was the first time since I can remember that I've felt that. I hadn't been that happy in a long time but look where that got me, a broken heart and feeling like a horrible person. I'm so hurt that OM has moved on. I don't know what I was thinking when this whole stupid thing started. He knows I'm hurt and is backing way off. He's afraid I hate him. Don't hate him, feel used and hate myself. Thanks for the feedback...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 12:54pm

brea,

we make choices right, sometime it does not come out like we want it to be,how i wish i can turn back time and not get involve with OW in my case

too late now, now im hurt, no turning back but just moving forward

u still have your H, try to save M if u can, re-kindle that passion , compromise, being single and with H or W when having an affair is a bit different, the hurt is the same im sure

but u can re-build i think

for me, its too late already, im just gonna start from zero again

max

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 7:57pm

Brea

What XOM thinks or does not think really does not matter one whit, what does matter is what is going on in your husbands head and yours, time to end all e-mails and any other contact with XOM, time to focus and if need be FORCE the issues in your marriage out into the open in such a manor that you husband cannot forget them, his marriage is in deep problems and if he wants to keep it he has to get back into the ball game.

Often men don't seem to grasp how much trouble there in tell a affair or the wife tells them she is leaving, time to make it clear to your husband it's MC or it could be Divorce Court, you may even want to let him in on the fact that other men can see how unhappy you are and are offering to comfort you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 11:22am

Brea:

Just keep remembering your own words...that you want him to be happy.