Could use some help and advice.
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| Mon, 01-25-2010 - 10:21am |
During our last exchange (e-mail) last Tuesday, my XMW asked me if I would meet her so that we could discuss our feelings for each other in person. The day she had available is tomorrow.
In my reply to her, I asked her to take the time to think about what we'd say to each other and that if she still felt the need to meet, to let me know. So, this meeting day looms over me. We don't have a real plan to meet, but it's hanging out there. After the last 6 days of NC, and LC for the past 3 weeks, I don't see any reason for us to see each other. I am committed to NC, so I will not contact her to "confirm" and a part of me doesn't expect to hear from her. The question is, what do I do if she does contact me and asks that we still get together. Trying to lay it out for myself, here's how I feel,
50% of me doesn't want to see her. I am resolved that this A is over, needs to be over and it has already been communicated. I don't need to re-hash this and I don't believe you can ever get "closure" in an A.
40% of me would go ( if she contacts me ) out of respect for her and to offer her any comfort, or "closure", that she needs. While I know the effects of the "fog", I can't deny that this is a person that I have cared about over the past 4 1/2 years. Yes, I know that the caring in an A is less than ideal and rooted in confused emotions. My guess is that what feels like caring in an A, would feeling like hurt in any other circumstance.
10% of me would go just to hear what she has to say. As I work through my feelings in ending the A, I know that I hold no anger toward her. I know that we were both hurt by the A and that we share the responsibility for our actions (is this unique to A where both APs are M?). I am confident that I would manage a conversation appropriately. Still, I can't help but be curious what is on her mind.
So, what makes sense here?
Assuming she doesn't contact me, I have no problem, since I won't break NC.
If she does reach out though, do I go?
If I am not going, how do I respond to her request in a way that ensures that we each have room to move on in a respectful way?
I hope everyone is having a better day today and that you are all making an investment in yourselves.
MPV

MPV~
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You need to heed your own advice and make that very same investment. No matter what was exchanged between the two you last week, this is the start of a whole new week, and your thinking and perspective re. your A over the last several days
~Iddy~
Male
You've given your xMW the power to decide whether or not you remain NC, and because you left the door open, now you are all betwixted and between and thinking more about this than working on yourself with 100% undivided focus.
I've used this analogy before.
OMG Iddy....if it isn't obvious why people love you on this board, it should be. You are the best.
So, let me be honest with myself.
I have already deleted/blocked her from all of the social networking sites (FB), instant messaging services and my personal e-mail. Good reminder on texting my cell...I'll do that now. I actually did these things before joining EAS. Of course, the situation is the situation, and we have had reason to work together in the past (same company), though I am trying to take action to distance myself there as well. I have read and understand the "rules" for LC at work, but at the moment, I can't block her from all the channels at work. I did remove her from my work networks as well, so that I wouldn't have her in my peripheral vision.
If I am being honest with myself, truly honest and has hard as it might be for you to believe, I really don't need the ego boost. Whatever, ego boost I got from the A, left me a while ago. I already feel pretty crappy and low about the whole situation. I have tried to be a realist about that stuff anyway. While I know that I want to be a "great guy", the truth is that great people don't get involved in an A; I know that and I believe it. That's not to say that marital problems, separation and divorce doesn't happen to them. I just know and believe that well balanced, emotionally assured and self-confident people handle these situations with honesty and dignity. I have done none of those things the last 4 1/2 years and I am trying hard to correct that.
I agree with your point about final meetings. I know that it will cause us both pain and sadness. I know that I don't need it and I don't want it. I've had enough of it already the past 3 weeks.
I suppose won't be able to say that I have proven you wrong until Wednesday. I promise to post here either way.
Thank you for kicking me in the butt.
MPV
P.S. I might be dumb, but I am not deaf.
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>T
Thanks for the laugh. I needed that. ;-)
Guess we'll have to wait until Wed. but if she does actually reach you through all the precautions you have taken, suggest she join the FBI or the CIA. ;-)
~ Iddy~
~Iddy~
Clarity,
I may need to change my ID here. You starting a reply with "MALE" just hits a tad bit close to home. ;-)
You are right. Honestly, I didn't realize that until today. It's just how we left our last e-mail exchange, which also included "it's over", but I really hadn't considered this hanging "appointment" until today. I will get my head straight tonight and be prepared tomorrow should the issue arise.
BTW,
I joined a conference call at work this afternoon (15 people) and she happened to be on. After I spoke up to make a point, she sent me an IM on our internal system (I can't block work contact right now). It was empty of all emotion, just a wisecrack about something I said. I am pleased to report that I closed the window with no response. I am trying to embody the idea that silence speaks louder than words.
MPV