Could xMM still contact me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Could xMM still contact me???
25
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 4:35pm

For those of you who know my story, xMM ended our 11 months A last week and I have confessed it to H.

H forgave me and we are trying to work on our M now. So far it's been good and I am VERY confident we will get thru this.

However, H is still VERY much concerned that xMM will eventually contact me. I mean, I told H how xMM and I have tried to end the A about 6x before and even after xMM's W found out about me, we still resumed the A. So, H said that it hasn't stopped us before, so what guarantee does he have that I won't go back to xMM again?

I can't even change my cell# because of business purposes. I highly doubt that xMM will contact me at this point, because this break up was by far VERY different from all the previous ones and also now that my H knows, I am sure xMM is scared as hell to even dare to contact me.

So, my question is, for anyone on this board who has been in similar situations like I have, did you still hear from your xMM?????

Just curious and I wanna be able to prepare myself and be strong enough to ignore xMM's call if he does try to contact me.

PG

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:05pm

Sad

Your husband is right to be concerned, more often then not after a period of time say a month many many of the XMM will attempt to contact the XOW to test the waters.

Sooner or later FEAR subsides and LUST dominates and they start to chase the XOW again, so expect it and be prepared to telly our husband when it does and tell him EVERYTHING leave nothing out and tell him ASAP don't wait don't think about it.

If your serious about not wanting to here from XMM and fixing your marriage then check with your phone company about blocking ALL his known phone numbers. YOUR ACTIONS will tell your husband were you really stand.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 7:46pm

Hi Free,

I read a LOT of your postings. Thanks for your reply. Anything at this point helps me tremendously!!!!

I must say I was strong this past week (today was 1 week I made the last contact with xMM) and on my way home from work I cried a lot. I still miss him. I know I should think about the way he treated me all this time, especially the way he ended the A. I think that's what's keeping me from not contacting him.

My H is mainly concerned because I told him everything about my A and how even after xMM's W found a sexual text message I sent xMM back in January, he still came back to me. So, H figured what would keep xMM away now????

I strongly doubt though that xMM will contact me because pretty much after he ended the A he ignored me COMPLETELY and the ONLY way I finally was able to get thru to him is when I sent him a text saying that my H knows, which pretty much scared the heck out of xMM.

The reason why I would think xMM will NOT contact me, is what for? The damage is done on my part. What else could he possible want from me??? He pretty much destroyed me emotionally.

H told me to let him know ASAP if xMM dares to call me. At this point I have NOTHING to hide from H.

Unfortunately I tried to have xMM's # blocked out, but my carrier does not offer that. So, I am pretty much stuck with my cell#. Although H told me that if xMM does attempt to call me, H will talk to him and honestly I also told xMM the last time I spoke to him that if he dares to call me again I WILL tell his W (of course I won't, but maybe that will give him a hint to STAY AWAY).

Thanks for your reply. I hope xMM won't contact me, because I know I will be weak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 9:58pm
deleted


Edited 6/16/2005 10:00 pm ET ET by lizzie1965
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2003
Thu, 06-16-2005 - 11:26pm

He will and they all do if they sense an opening (opportunity)- unless, of course, he(they) are able to accept personal responsiblity and recognise the error of their ways. (Something that the vast majority of XMM described on this board seem totally incapable of doing - of course the male POV is sorely under represented - what do you think of this comment Max and CL-noregretsever?) SOrry I digressed.........

You wrote <<<<<<<>>>

Sounds to me like you are an "opportunity" waiting to happen. You can't hide behind your DH hoping he can shield you from your own weaknesses. YOU must WANT to do this for YOU.
What "void" did you A fill for you? Why are you still afraid that you will not be able to stop yourself from reaching out for your "quick fix"? You MUST face your own demons within - only then will you have nothing to fear from your XMM.

Take this from a fellow wounded comrade who is wrestling (courageously and determinedly, I must add) continued "well meaning" interference (well, he calls it "friendship") from her XMM of 7 years.

How strong are you.........really, really?

ARTIST

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 8:34am
Be prepared because more than likely he will contact you eventually. About 6 months into my A, my H found out. He called mm's w and told her, although she didn't believe my h. MM and I continued to see each other for another 3 or 4 months after that. He was just more careful than before. Even though he was worried about my H finding out that we were still seeing each other, he still continued in the A. After a couple of months we were having a lot of issues and things ended very badly between us. Even though we worked together, I did not speak to him for about 4 months. Eventually, we became friends again and you guessed it.....we got sucked right back in again. So be ready, it is likely he will call after he thinks things have calmed down a bit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:46am

Hi Artist,

Today is day 8 of NC!!!!! This is the LONGEST I have gone even when I was still involved with xMM. I still doubt he will call, because he KNOWS I am beyond pissed at him. He's a coward after all. He couldn't even face me when he ended it, but left me a vm. I know in the past when we were on bad terms, he would always avoid me, because he doesn't like confrontations. About 80% of the time when I was still involved with xMM and when we broke NC is was because of me. So, unless I cave in and call him, I strongly doubt he will make the first move.

And you are right, no xMM will admit their wrong doing. Mine even tried to put the blame on me, so that he can wipe his hands clean that he didn't do anything wrong.

Okay, as far as me being an "opportunity waiting to happen", well, I was involved with this xMM for 11 months. Unless I am as heartless as he is and be able to move on like nothing happened, then I sunk down to HIS level. I am a woman. I was emotionally involved with this xMM from day one. I can't just flip and page and move on. I am trying, believe me. But the wound is still VERY fresh. Everything still reminds me about xMM.

I lack passion on my M. That's what I was getting from xMM. My sex life with my H has fizzled. It's not as exciting and not as interesting anymore. With xMM we had a VERY strong physical attraction, something I have never experienced with any man in my life, not even with my any of my ex's.

I am afraid that I will get weak if I do hear from xMM, because I still miss him. I know this sounds stupid, after the way he treated me, but I can't just erase him out of my mind. He is still very much lurking in my brain. Although when I get weak I remember the way he treated me when he ended it, how he used the sentence "Our A has worn out", like I was a damn t-shirt.

I am trying to be strong, but don't know if I'll be able to maintain that if xMM breaks NC.

To AS,

I don't know if I am reading between the lines, but are you still involved in an A? My reason for asking because you said that even after your H found out, and after a bad break up with your MM, then after 4 months of NC the "friendshhip" evolved into the A again. This is what I am afraid of, although the difference now is that my H knows about my A and unless I am stupid enough to go back to xMM so that he can use me and abuse me some more and for me to risk os losing my H for good, I will NOT take that chance.

I even have a plan that if xMM does call me, I was gonna ignore him, but than call him back when I know he can't answer his phone and replay his last message he left me. I know he won't get the hint, but at least he'll see what kind of message he has left me. Or, if he does call, I will tell H and then H will give xMM a call and say a few words to him.

Anyway. I hope you are wrong about what you said that xMM will call me and I hope I'll be strong enough to ignore his call and not get weak.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 11:54am

<<>>

Well, that is a complicated answer...Yes and no.....We did get involved again and have been involved since November. I am now trying to end thing with him. I guess it is time to post my story. I have been reading all the posts trying to get strength to end things. He was the one that broke NC and started being friendly. And he was the one that kept pursuing me and wanting more. I wish I had kept my resolve and never became his friend again because it led me to where I am now. Please stay strong. If he does call just keep thinking that if you have any contact with him it could jeopardize you losing your h for sure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:31pm
Reading everyone's posts here makes me think what a huge waste of time we are all guilty of. Nothing good can ever come from XMM so if we all spent the time that we spend obsessing over him into our m, our H, or ourselves, we would actually be achieving something and start building back our self esteem. I am standing at the very edge of rebuilding my M and getting on with my life and I find myself pausing and just a little reluctant to give up the cushion that XMM was.


Edited 6/17/2005 12:39 pm ET ET by jstmekc
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:35pm
they may contact again ...if they don't replace you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 06-17-2005 - 12:37pm

I have been gathering a LOT of thoughts in my mind and that is why I posted my question if my xMM does try to contact me what I should do. I made a list of all the bad things he did to me. I know I shut the door for good to my A when I told my H about it.

There is no way back for me in my A!!!!!! Part of me still misses xMM, but now I have my whole life to risk. For what???? So that xMM can abuse me some more! I let him do the things to me he did and I blame myself for it. However, he made me weak. Each and every time we "broke up" throughout our 11 months A, he knew EXACTLY what to say to me to get me back. Of course, I always thought to myself "Oh, maybe he will chance, maybe he will really treat me good this time" and of course he never did. He was only nice to me for he first week, or two, than back to being Mr. Jacka** again. But he knew he can get away with it, because he got me hooked. He knew he can treat me like crap, because even if I get mad at him, he will say some nice things to me in the end and then I'll forgive him.

The last time I spoke to xMM I told him I never ever wanna see, or speak to him again and if he dares to contact me I WILL tell his W (of course I just said that to scare him a little, but I won't do it).

All I keep thinking in my mind that xMM NEVER cared about me and he's definitely not worth the risk of me losing my H over him.

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