couldn't be more indecisive...
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| Mon, 06-06-2005 - 4:22am |
Hi,
I've been struggling for a few months and need some help to end this mess. I was with my boyfriend A (or should I say ex-boyfriend) for almost 5 years. During the first 4 years I was very devoted and would do anything for him. I always felt that I loved him more than he loved me. Every time we talked about the future, I ended up getting upset because he didn't want to give me any commitment. He said there was too much uncertainty and he didn't want to give any promise (he was an international student pursuing Ph.D). But it wasn't like I was asking him to marry me then! I simply wanted to know that he wanted to have a future with me. Even that, he refused to give me. I told him that I want to be married by time I am 30 (that would've been 4-5 years from the time of speaking), and he said he didn't know if he'd be ready by then. He broke up a few times with me because of this: I'd get upset and he'd suggest that I went and found someone else that could give me what I wanted. Every time, I asked to get back together, because I loved him and wanted to wait. At the last year of our relationship, things started to change. I realized that I didn't care about him that much anymore and I felt like I wanted to get out of the relationship. Ironically, it was the same time when he started acting more devoted. He graduated and got a job 3000 miles away. We did the long-distance thing for a few months. Things were alright, I guess. We'd call each other twice a day. On one hand, I was happy about his change: he started hinting on planning for our future. But on the other hand, I felt trapped and that my love for him had worn out during the years of waiting. Then early this year I met some guy B and we were attracted to each other. He told me how he felt about me, and we kissed. That was a week before my scheduled trip to meet A. So I decided to tell A when I went there. He was devastated. At first he said that my passion for him seemed dead anyway, since I'd been so cold to him, so we broke up. But then the next day he told me that he didn't want to lose me and said he'd try to win me back. After I returned home, he tried very hard, calling me, emailing me everyday, to tell me how much he still loved me, I was the one for him, etc. I was really torn between the two of them. B cared for me very much, and I felt that the way he is to me is like the way I was to A before, very dedicated and truful. But I couldn't let go of my 5 years with A. This situation lasted for about 2 months until finally A asked me to make a decision. I still couldn't make a decision so he made one for me. B was happy. We tried to be together for a while, but I realized that I still couldn't let go. One month later I told B that I couldn't be with him, because I was still thinking about A. After talking to A, he showed that he was still waiting for me, but I didn't know if I wanted to get back together just yet. I still have feelings for B, and B gave me everything I ever wanted in a relationship (I mean the way he treats me... I didn't feel that A cared for me very much until lately). So I told both of them that I need to be alone for a while. I don't know why I am so torn and undecisive. The way A tried to win me back... I saw how much effort he's put into it and how sad I've made him... it made me feel really bad. B also is enduring a lot of pain by my indesiciveness... I think I am horrible that I still can't make a decision, after 5 months! I still love A, I think, although I think the passion kind of faded towards the end of our relationship, and I am afraid that once we get back together, things won't be the same anymore. With respect to B, I know that we'd be happy together, if I could ever get over A. A friend told me that A is now paying his debt for neglecting me for 4 years, but I seem to have forgotten about the tears and heartbreak in the past. B is disappointed with me for wanting to get back together with A, even though he took me for granted for so long. But I just can't let go. Please, someone, help me see what I really want...
