Couldn't Do It
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| Sat, 01-29-2005 - 4:45am |
i was supposed to go out last night. a real date. i didn't go.
maybe you guys will remember from last weekend when i had dinner with a man who has had a crush on me for a while and ended up sleeping with him. it's been eating away at me all week. i feel so awful about what happened. i've been avoiding my MM all week. he is so worried about me. he calls every few hours. i want to tell him what happened but i don't know if it's a good idea. i agreed to the second date but i just couldn't go through with it.
i've "lurking" here since the holidays. i was reading the other board and people seemed to be gravitating here. i didn't realize i was so unhappy with my A until i got here. the thing is i love my MM. i really do. i know this has to end but i don't want it to. i know i will end up losing myself in it if i don't but he's my best friend. i just want that part back. there is so much talk of healing and recovery on this board. everyone has lost so much of themselves. they all seem to have the same experiences through different stories. but a big part of it seems to be demonizing the xMM and all the "you go girl" stuff that goes with it, and i don't want to do that. it's not 100% his fault that i'm in this situation with him.
i'm going to hide out for the weekend at my mom's. i need to get away from this for a few days. i need to be some place i feel safe. i haven't seen my MM in person for over a week now. i miss him so much. my soul feels empty and my body is craving him. i always feel safe with him. i can't stop crying and i never cry. i can't eat. i can't sleep. i am drowning in guilt and confusion.
my A has to end. now. i know that. i just can't get my head around him being out of my life.
thank you all for your kind thoughts and words, your posts of support and to the special person who sent me the wonderful private email. that really did help.
Debbi

Edited 1/29/2005 1:14 pm ET ET by littlesoul2
Debbi-
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I feel the same way you do. I don't like making him out to be this "monster" that preyed on me. I played the game too and I accept my part in the situation. Blaming him doesn't help the healing process.
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Good idea...sometimes you need to get away to get your thoughts together and re-evaluate the situation!! Enjoy your time with your mother.
(((((BIG HUGS)))))
Take care of you. The best thing you can do to help cope with this depression is eat a balanced diet and get enough rest.
Hope you are better soon,
SS
When a person CHOOSES to CHEAT on there SPOUSE then it is 100 percent there fault, nobody forced them they made up there mind to do what they wanted to do with out regard to the harm they are doing to there spouse or children, when you envolve yourself with a married person you are also 100 percent responsible for your actions and any harm coming from them.
Most Women can be more readely Manipulated using there emotions then men can, when there calling every two hours women see "he's worried about me", maybe it's true but often he's worried about his losing power and control over her.
Women make the mistake of thinking that men operate (the average man) they same way for the same reasons, sorry it's not true.
Hi again Debbi,
You're right. A lot of people do demonize their MM. I don't. I admit readily that I love him. Very much so. And its because of that love, that I can't let him lower himself to a place morally where he can justify betraying his wife.
By enabling him to become the "cheating bum" which I was, I was taking away part of the very fabric of his being that made him a man I could love.
I am happier now, walking away with beautiful memories of the man he can be (without me interfering) than I would be, staying and watching him sink deeper into the immoral abyss that is an affair.
Nothing about an affair is beautiful and right. Its deception and betrayl and stolen moments. We both deserve better than that. He and I.
If his marriage with his wife is truly over, they will divorce and he would then have the chance to become a man that I would date. I say *a chance* because right now, I know what hes capable of. I know he lies to the one person he vowed never to do so with, whatever the reason. There is no noble reason for deceipt. Remember that.
At the same time, he knows what kind of woman I am. He knows I was willing to poach another woman's husband to get what I needed. He knows that, for a while, I was willing to settle for crumbs (which is *at best* what all OW get in an affair) and wait patiently to play mistress. I'm not sure he would still want to date me for that if he was a single man.
You have to move on. But it is possible to do so without hating him. I don't hate my xMM. Quite the contrary. And *THAT* is why I had to let him go.
I love him, and myself, too much to hang on.
Hugs to you Debbi!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
that has to be the best thing I have heard on this subject. You said it well with no bashing, It is not the mean ol mans fault all the time there are alot of married W on here who bash their xmm and I don't get it, what makes them so bad and the W the hurt one. things happen and every one has a different circumstance. Regardless what some others think, women can be evil when they want to hang on to a man, men tend to be stupid at times so as beliving the girl friend or W is on the pill, when in fact they are not. Men don't have the brains that women have when it comes to things like that. And I know some fine men, not any I have had an A with but have stayed with their W because they beleive it is the thing to do, kids and all, I did it in my own marriage. I agree about leaving for them as much as for your self, if you love some one set them free....WE all know that one. I know I got a little off the subject but you were kind with debbie and thats what we need sometimes yes sometimes a kick in the pants but never bashed when people do not know the situation. I don't post much here because of that reason. Some take one thing I say and forget about the rest and just focas on one thing. We are all hurting to different degrees and I don't think bashing or making fun of some one elses pain is the way to go. I just wanted you to know your words were kind and loving, I'm sure debbie appreciates it I know I did.
Thanks,
Kat
Aw... thanks Kat.
I know her pain... and while I sometimes toe the line between harsh words and gentle nudges, I try to always make sure that I'm never so harsh people miss my point.
I don't think I'm better than anyone on these boards, I was just as vulnerable as they were and just as wrong as they were in engaging in an affair.
I sometimes see a little of myself in someone else and maybe say something that will help them find the strength I found. To do what is right.
God luck to you on your road to healing. We all need it!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
well i'm back. i turned a weekend at mom's into a week. luckily i have a very cool boss. i haven't seen my MM in 3 weeks. i stopped in person contact and told him that part was over. we talked for hours about it and he was very understanding. he doesn't want me to hurt anymore. everyone keeps talking about NC but i can't do that either. i think the daily wondering about him would kill me. i miss him every minute of every day. i cling to the daily emails and phone calls. i don't know what is going to happen between us now. i wish i could go back to when we were friends. he's the only person that i ever met that i feel completely comfortable with.
as for being a manipulating monster who is preying on and controlling me and is 100% at fault - that's complete BS. part of being an adult is accepting responsibility for my own actions. i knew what i was doing. i knew it was wrong. i don't need to demonize him in order to justify myself.
it's funny how being away from him makes part of me feel better but the rest of me feel worse. there is no winning in this game, is there.
debbi
No debbi, there definately is no winning. I hurt 95% of the time when in the A, and it sucks real bad being out of it. I'm just holding onto the idea that someday, once this pain of losing him (which was soley my decision), will be over and I will no longer be concerned with what XMM is doing and with whom.
It's what I hope anyway..who knows if that will ever happen.
i had a terrible night. i just cannot stop crying. i don't know if i'm more miserable with him or without him i just miss my MM so much. we are still talking, not doing the NC thing, i can't do that. he is being very good about not pushing too hard to see me, even though he wants to and is suffering too. i keep waiting for it to get better and every day it gets worse. part of me wishes i'd never met him in the first place so that i wouldn't be in this mess. most of me knows that i'm glad i met him. despite all the problems.
thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and understanding. there is no one else i can talk to. this board is kind of a surrogate friend.
debbi
Debbie,
I dont have any easy answers for you but I understand completely where you are. Its been a week today since MM and I decided NC was best. It kills me I have had good days ( when at work) and bad days I miss the daily calls and I still check my phone all day, I agree like you that I am just as much to blame as he was I knew what I was doing an what iwas risking. In short we let everyone think our affair was over for a while but the lying got to me ..We have been good friends for 5 years an in an affair for 6 months..I love him with all my heart, and it hurts to lose my friend I think that hurts more than any of it. He is in a very bad marriage an I tried to understand an be there but it made it worse. What worse is we travel in the same circle of friends so I have become a hermit this last week and turned down invites with friends for fear of bumping into him I have wanted to call him so bad and hoped that when the phone rings its him. I guess part of me wants to know he is missing me an thinking of me as much as I have him.
This man is a wonderful father an while I cant an wont justify our affair I do beleive some times people stay in bad places for wrong reasons and even some times kids are the wrong reasons I stayed in a bad marriage for 2 years longer then I should have " for the sake of my son" when truth is if your miserable it reflects in EVERY aspect of your life I am a much happier and better mom then I was when married.
I hope you find the solace you are looking for an can find a way to keep your self strong Lord knows we all need it..sometimes more then others.. It helps alot sometimes to come here an see we are not alone that soem can relate.
wishing you all the strength you need
KRM