Counseling thought

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Counseling thought
6
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:00pm
Well had my session with the M counselor this morning. Turns out that H never told her anything about the neighbor once again. This is one thing she wants me to bring up at the joint session we have scheduled for Mon. He purposedly told me that he had feelings for someone because it was going to come out at counseling and he hasn't even mentioned it to her (twice). She did say that for any of the counseling to work we both have to be honest, and by his withholding that isn't what he is doing.

Something she was saying this morning really clicked and the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. She said by me telling H that I couldn't accept things and always telling him that there was a chance I am actually pushing him to dig in his heels. It is like someone telling you that you can't do something, your first instinct is to do it. That maybe H is feeling like I am telling him, you can't tell me its over because I won't let it then the more determined he is going to become that our R is over. She told me to avoid any discussion with him until the joint session about anything to do with ending it, as for the session she will guide us.

Also I have to figure out by Monday WHY. She said I can't just tell him I don't know, that he needs an answer and unless I force myself to find in myself an answer to that we will continue on this carousel. She told me that she realized it was going to be hard but she said he needs an answer and deserves one and that she believes I will be able to give him one. She also thinks (and I think we all agree) that the A was just a symptom of what was going on in our R. Her thinking is that once I give H the Why, we can start exploring the problem and put the symptom(A) on a shelf to be dealt with when the time is right. She told me if I have to jot things down and bring them with me. I hope she is right and I am going to give my all into looking inside myself and finding this answer.

At that same time today she is trying to prepare me for if it is over. She didn't come right out and tell me there was no hope but she said right now H needs space and possibly time away from me. I told her I couldn't leave the kids and he won't leave the house at all. She will explore more of that in counseling on Mon. We will be the last appt of the day so she said if we go over it won't be a big deal. She said it really is too soon for a joint session but she feels in our situation it needs to be done NOW because she feels if it goes any further one or both of us is going to blow and things are going to be said and done that can't be taken back. I can understand that because I do feel like I am at the end and I guess H told her that things at home were getting worse.

So basically I am on my own all weekend with my thoughts so I will probably be on here all the time trying to sort things out, hope you guys don't mind. But at the same time I have to continue "normal everyday life". I hope and pray that I can do this, I have to find my inner strength to do this, there isn't any option. I have been keeping a journal but everytime I start writing out things I start crying again. Right now I feel like this one session could determine how things are going to go. She warned me that it wasn't going to be easy and it was going to be very draining but she will be there the entire time and she could direct the conversation to get the most out of the session. I am putting my trust in her and while it doesn't bother me to do that, I am worried.

Needing all the support and positive thoughts and prayers I can get. Thanks everyone.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 1:57pm
DAF

Unfortunately, I don't have a single bit of advice for you. I just wanted you to know that I've been following your story on this board for quite a while and my heart just breaks for you. I can tell how painful this is. Good luck on your soul searching this weekend. I hope your H takes the time to do a little of his own.

Best wishes and ((hugs))
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 4:37pm
Hi Daf,

I go to church on sundays, You will definately be in my prayers,not just you but your hubby and children too. Remember, be strong no matter the outcome. A positive is he wants to do the joint session on Monday, It could be a start, but I do agree with your counselor, give him his time and space but dont abandone your home.

Wishing you lots of strength and peace.

Take Care

Bug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 7:06pm
Daf

It sounds like you MC knows what she is doing, put yourself in her hands and let her run the show, do what she has told you to do.

A clear cut answer is important, I think it could be the thing that could tip the scale in your favor, when you give that answer avoid assinging(sp) blame.

If I recall correctly you and hubby work different shifts so you did not have as much time together as would be desirable to feed your relationship, could that have factored into it.

Will remember you all in thoughts and prays

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 4:14am

I suspect the answer to your question is right here on these boards.


One of the most obvious causes I see, with myself, and the other women who post here, is a low self esteem.


Most are looking desperately into the eyes of some man to see themselves in a favorable manner.


When their husbands eyes no longer reflect the image they want to see, for whatever reason, it is only a hop skip and a jump into the arms of another man who reflects the image we wish for.


Easier that then address the possibility that it might be time to make some changes in ourselves.


The next question is, what was the trigger that made the unacceptable, acceptable? (assuming an affair was not something you thought was a-ok prior)


In my case there were several very stressful occurances in my life that I didn't feel competent to handle. (only adding to the negative self esteem issue) I learned my daughter needed open heart surgery, my father became very ill and nearly died so I had to spend time taking care of him and my mother for a while, and my husband had taken on a lot of new responsibilities at work that made him less available to me. (and as he became more successful,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 2:59pm
Thanks for the support everyone. I actually spent some time last night starting it. I didn't know where to begin so I started an outline since H and I met and some of the major things that have happened along the way. With a few things that popped into my head I got sidetracked and wrote some things out. I really think I have to do it in front of my computer that way I can type as I think things and then organize my thoughts so they make sense. I do have to say that in the last 8 years there have been some major family problems that have interferred and I am scared in a way to explore them and get my true feelings out but I know I have to.

My IC called to check on me today because I had to cancel my appt with her for Mon (same time as joint session) and she said to call her Tues after the joint session and we will set up another time to meet. She said right now if the M counselor is jumping ahead to joint sessions she feels it is important and right now my IC has to compliment the M counseling in order to achieve the maximum good in all of this.

Another twist my sister is now turning on me and judging and I am getting no support from her so I have told her that I can no longer talk to her because I have enough to deal with. I realize she is disappointed in me and she is having a hard time, but I can't worry about her right now. I have blocked her from my IM and email for the time being.

I will probably be on line late tonight or sometime this weekend for help and support but just wanted to thank everyone. I am trying my best and without everyone on this board I wouldn't be able to make it.

DAF

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 6:11pm
hey there DAF--

I won't be around much this weekend--maybe Sunday a bit. I will try to watch for your posts.

I think the most important thing for you to do is maintain a positive attitude, especially toward your H. Try to keep your spirits up, and be as kind to him as possible. The outcome of your situation rests not completely on your shoulders. Give your H time and space and your friendship (even if he isn't ready to accept much of that right now). Whether things work out between the two of you or not, it's important to be positive. He needs to travel through the stages of grieving, and you need to support him in that process -- even if it means you don't see him as much as you'd like to. So during the times you are with him, be supportive and positive.

My thoughts are with you :-)

Meg