Craving more excitement...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Craving more excitement...
7
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:33pm
My affair was really more of a brief fling. Just sex, great sex, with a much younger hot and sexy man with a LD GF. He ended up having the guilty conscience about the whole thing (not I) and felt it best to quit while we were ahead.

I have a great husband, who worships me. Never a day goes by where he doesn't tell me I am beautiful and that he loves me -- if anything he is too demonstrative. Can't keep his hands off me for the most part...

It is not so much that I miss my OM, I miss the excitement of the affair. The text messages, the sneaking around. Why is bad, forbidden sex SOOO much better than the seemingly good sex we have at home.

I feel very strongly that I am capable of seeking out another fling. How to find one would be the challenge...with two young kids and husband travelling often there are not many opportunities for getting out and meeting sexy men. I so liked how young, sexy, exhilerated the affair made me feel -- I want to feel that again, and regardless of how much he loves me, my husband just doesn't do that for me anymore. After 13 years, my heart no longer skips a beat when I see him, I don't get butterflies in anticipation of being with him...

How do I control these dangerous cravings?....help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 1:48pm
Hi,

I understand completely, it is so great to feel those new, can't keep your hands off each other, obsessive, mutual attraction feelings. BUT...it just gets worse like any addiction, it will continue to spiral until you are miserable and out-of-control. Trust me. I wish I could start the past year over again and not start at all. Read some of the pain in these posts and you'll know the BEST idea is to not start at all, because it only gets harder. That was always my opinion about smoking, never tried it because I might like it...and then I'd be screwed. I wish I had applied the same principle to the OM because now it seems impossible to get out sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 4:42pm
Hey verge! I admire your honesty and I can identify. I had similar feelings when I considered ending the A and during the early weeks of NC. My suggestion - and you're not going to like this, but it comes from the heart because I suffer from the same "addiction - is you need to find out WHY you have this need. Face it, honey, typical people don't need to live this way. Typical people are able to focus on life and just enjoy where they are, especially if, like you, they are blessed to be married to a man who adores them and they have some kids they love.

I have my answer. I am an alcoholic/addict, and I "cannot live and enjoy life like other people - I have to have something more." That's right out of Narcotics Anonymous recovery literature. I never get enough of anything. Everything has to be more intense, more wonderful, more painful, you name it, I take it to an extreme. I did it with alcohol and drugs, and on any given day I will do the same thing with anything else: ice cream, cigarettes, coffee, clothes, shoes, jewelry, dieting. Oh yeah, I also ran a marathon, wrote a book and practice power yoga several hours a week, so not all of my obsessions are totally unhealthy! LOL.

Please give some good thought to what's missing in your life. You've obviously got a "void" you need to fill. Before you run right out and get involved in another A, think about what the void is and try to find a healthier, saner way to fill it without causing harm to anyone else. JMHO, and like I said, I mean it from the heart. Hugs! Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:08pm
Just when my affair was ending, I went out to dinner with a couple of college roommates for the first time in several years. We were catching up on each other's life so I told them an edited version of my affair....for example, I said that he was separated, but didn't say that he'd been living at home for the first year we'd been together. One of my roommates said, "You always have to have drama in your life" and reminded me of the guy I was dating while I was living with her.

I've thought about that a lot since then. It never occurred to me that my need for excitement (drama) may have contributed to my having an affair. I do get bored easily. I'd like to think I'm a deeper, more complex person who doesn't make decisions because of the need for excitement but maybe I'm not.



iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:28am
Thank you for your responses and insight...

Drama and excitement..yes that is what it is all about. I don't consider myself an addictive personality, but there is a definate genetic pre-disposition towards it in my family. I guess by "Dear Abbe" standards I might be considered an alcoholic -- I do drink most days. Usually not excessively, unless there is particularly good conversation and company, and on those nights we might open one bottle of red wine too many.

I did always have one of those lives full of drama back in my highschool and college days...something my friends from those days still comment on. I hadn't really considered my addiction to the drama as a factor before. I thought I was relieved to have it gone -- the drama stopped when I met my level headed, focused, driven, type-A personality husband when I was 23. But I do think that has a lot to do with it... I can't stand my husbands overbearing need for order -- he comes down on our 7 year old when she doesn't make her bed, and I am critisized for not doing a good enough job on ours (so I don't bother to try any more and let him do it if he wants it perfect!)

And I am trying to find a more positive outlet for my craving for excitement and for something for myself. I was a ballerina (I quit shortly before I met my husband), and I started going back to class shortly after I started my affair. I knew that my behavior was a cry to find more of "me" in my life and sought out to do something about it. Dancing is hugely satisfying for me -- physically, emotionally, spirtually --- but it isn't enough. In the same light, I also started the path towards a career as a Pilates Instructor two and a half years ago, and I have become very successful with that -- working as many hours and with as many clients as I can manage. But as satisfying as that work is, it is still all about giving (like being a mom, wife), and I crave a spot in my life that is selfishly about me. My fling was just that.

When I look back on my choices to be with my husband, I see a pure "Darwinian/Survival of the Fitest" choice...He was a perfect choice from a biological/reproductive perspective. Handsome, a good provider, loving...good genes. From the first days we began dating we had constant comments from all who saw us regarding what a gorgeous couple we were and what beautiful children we would have (and this was in Los Angeles, the land of perfect). And we are that...perfect couple, perfect children...but the more years that go by the more blatant our lack of having anything in common becomes. I made my choice, and I don't see leaving it as ever being an option...

I just feel like I need to find a way to be whole in myself as well, a wholeness that I don't think can come from this relationship alone. And finding the time to become whole as the parent of two young ones, with work and a husband who travels extensively...

the easy answer to satisfaction (albeit temporary) would be to find another fling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 8:49am
verge~

I think that your seeking outside yourself will only lend itself to a lifetime of misery and disappointment. There is NOTHING that anyone can "give" to you that you cannot give to yourself---except heartache and pain.

Mo was right about having a "void" within. You have a husband that adores you and 2 young children--but yet you still crave and still seek something "more"---what is that "more". You may always seek that 'more' and NEVER be satisfied.

What concerns me is that you seem to already be willing to jump into another fling, without assessing the damage or potential damage. This is not a judgemental statement, just an observation.

A suggestion--go to www.urbandharma.org. Since you are in LA, and this is a LA based buddhist center...I would strongly suggest meditation, to begin the process of looking inward. It doesn't mean you have to bceome buddhist or even adhere to the beliefs, but I firmly believe that when one turn on their "inner eye" and truly begin to look at themselves and their actions---you begin to find all the answers that you seek, and much of your behavior can be understood. Just a thought,I don't mean to be offensive.

Good luck, keep posting...and even if you do decide to pursue another fling, don't be afraid to post....we all understand this crazy back and forth process.

big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 2:16pm
Thanks -- your insight is neither offensive nor judgemental.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 3:12pm
I can SO relate, but get a grip and don't go there again. I am trying so hard to stop wanting contact and interaction with my MM that has moved away, probably both of us hoping the madness, and desire would end. It hasn't. We're just not in physical proximity. When we were in the same office together and trying to obstain from what we both wanted really bad, I would put a post-it on my desk reminding me "DON'T BE SO PATHETIC" because he would seem to be stronger than I. He wasn't any stronger, he was just being a guy.