Crawling out of my skin

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Crawling out of my skin
8
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:52am

I hate myself. I tried so hard all day to not call, write or think of
him. Then I started to go through old emails and letters (and noticed
how one sided they were, that is, from me mostly) I saw the vicious
circle pattern. I saw how I have put pressure on OM for more contact
and friendship and then as soon as we get a solid friendship back we
end up getting too close for comfort. we get mad and frustrated dont
talk for a few days and then i call back saying i am sorry. he can
handle this and I cannot. I left a message knowing he was at the
company formal. I said I just had to say my thoughts outloud and
couldnt think of anything else to do but call his machine knowing he
wasnt there. I apologized again and again for alllowing myself to get
caught up on this and hurting him along the way.

Friday night we ran into each other after work ended up talking and this is what i realized and made me so upset:
our friendship from the first night we spoke was like pandoras box
opening. I had no inhibitions and could talk about anything. The box
had never been opened before, and now everything that was ever said, or things that were about to be spoken
about, or things we had not yet thought about speaking about can never
be spoken of again. He said something like, well doesnt it feel good
to have let that all come out. and I said no, because its out there,
one person (he) has heard it and because of the limiations of our
friendship and the fact taht it has got to end means that all those
thoughts and ideas were wasted and can never be taken back. In life
there have been so many friends and family members that have left me
for real unavoidable circumstances, like going to college out of town
, travelling the world, dying, or me simply losing respect for them.
Many of these were out of my control. But this one. This precious
friendship that was just starting and was evoloving probably too
quickly, I ruined. My inability to be close
without being obsessed ruined my relationship and all chances we had
of being friends. I hate myself for this.




Edited 4/14/2005 1:38 pm ET ET by spanishtrain
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:09am

Reading your post, i could relate to so much! MM and I fall into the same pattern. AFter the last time we ended things and 2 weeks of NC I felt good. But I allowed myself to be friends with him and for a whlel I handled it. Then when took me for a loop it all crumbled.

<>

This is my problem. I keep thinking i can do this and I cant. He is a drug to me! An addiction!

I think we need to treat it as such and try to break it..

I wish us both luck and strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:21am
Hey guys,
After reading, You guys should read the post Codependency and love addictions below on this board posted by Free, I classified myself as a Chaser. I too become too obsessive and it is in the process of ruining a potential friendship. The OM in my life is not really the OM yet. We have not had any P contact or even exchanged any real "i like you's" It's my perception of things and my obsessive feeling of this "relationship" that is causing my pain. He's not done a thing to me. I know it's different than you situations, in that we haven't even taken it to that level, but it just shows you that it has a lot to do with your obsessive thoughts. Please read to post listed below if you haven't already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:50am

I appreciate the suggestion. I have been here a while and have read that and no disprespect to me that is overthinking. I am not either of those. I had a great child hood. I have had wonderful, lovign R's my wholeife. Not goingo get into it al. I think for me, I am a stay home mom whose H travels and has too much timen my hands. When I started my A I was a full time employee and graduate student. Who had time to worry about the email or call coming? But now I have allowed myself to let MM fill lots of voids for me. He didnt ask for that job. I am more to blame than he is. I have to break my addiction but redistributing my time to a worthier cause. Know it very well. But like many have done, we fall back on old, abusive habits from time to time. It is up to us to gather up the strength to break away again.

Thanks ..I wish us all luck and happier times to come

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 9:23am

I agree with needing something else to focus my energy on. As a full time employee and a part time grad student, I really don't have much time on my hands. I realize I don't do anything for ME...no time for hobbies, sports, I can barely squeeze one visit to the gym per week. OM made having something else to do so easy becayse he was THERE. Not that my H was not there, but I didnt consider him an option for doing something for me. OM was for ME and now I need to rebuild marriage and find things for me that are not harmful to me and others.

Been trying to find the poem that was on this board a while ago. Something about the woman in the glass and being truthful to yourself. If you find that post, please bump it up. I think I need to figure out what the truth is within me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 10:30am
You guys are right on track. I realize that a large part of it has been me. I have been so willing and available to this guy. Obsessing over if and when he would call, and what every call, word, or email meant. After 3 wks of NC he emailed saying "how are things?" then a coworker put us on the phone. I was so nervous talking to him. I learned that it was way too soon for me to talk to him. It has left me obsessing. The day after, I sent him an angry email that he never responded to. Oh well, I think I want him to leave me alone more then I care if he is mad. The hard part is figuring out what to do with my time. I do feel like "crawling out of my skin" I can barely sit still or concentrate. I want it all back one minute, and the next I would do anything to stay out of it. My xmm used to say he was addicted to me, and this is definately an addiction. I know that a lot of my thoughts are not exactly rational at this time. I try to tell myself to just relax or do something else and see if I feel that way later. The sad thing is, as much as I want my life back, it now seems so boring. It feels like I am playing a part all of the time now.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 12:41pm

Spanishtrain, As you requested. I hope it helps you.

THE WOMAN IN THE GLASS
When you get what you want in your struggle for self
And the world makes you Queen for a day
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself
And see what that gal has to say.
For it isn’t your partner or family or friend
Whose judgment upon you must pass;
The gal whose verdict counts most in the end
Is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people may think you a real honest friend
And call you a person of place
But the gal in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look her straight in the face.
She’s the gal to please, never mind all the rest
For she’s with you clear up to the end.
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the gal in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the gal in the glass.
Author Unknown
IP:

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 3:18pm

I know exactly how you feel! It is the high that we craved. And no matter how rational your thinkign is you will miss that. I am tryign to get on track, I was and fell off. Now tryign again. Better not to talkand risk the setback! I have done that so many times.

You are doing great..I say this all the time celebrat the small successes!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:37pm
It is so strange because I really don't want to talk to him. What would I say? I know it just hurts to much. I am just so dissatisfied, oh well I guess I will try and think up some more projects.....anything to take my mind off of it. Thanks for the support it is so nice to be able to talk about it with someone.....