The crazy train and limbo land

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
The crazy train and limbo land
8
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:06am
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:22am

Hi Alice-


You sound just like me a few months ago. How could he just let me walk away? Don't I owe him an explanation? What is he thinking? Was I played? Blah blah blah. You have to sort through all of those questions and I totally get how exhausting it can be. I

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:41am

Hey Alice,


I have been feeling the same the last couple of days. Was it really so easy to let me go? Why isn't he calling to check on me? Or apologize?


I had tried to end this before. I even made it NC for a whole week. Then he started calling me. Saying all the right things. Said he didn't want it to be over. Wonder why he didn't just let me go then? Because, he too, was a coward. Didn't want to be the one who said it's over.


I can't believe how much he is on my mind. I don't understand why I can't stop thinking about him, wondering about him. I have no desire to call him. I'm not tempted at all... but why hasn't he called me?


I know, I should be thankful, and really, I am. I know that not many of you ladies had the gift of a "clean break" with not having to see xAP or recieve phone calls or texts or emails.


I guess it's just a blow to my ego? Good grief, when did I become this person?


-Angel

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:44am

Oh that crazy train. Sometimes I would get off at a stop, thinking phew, I made it off, but I never left the station, and when the whistle blew, I got right back on the next darn train to limbo land.

When after all he put me through, I said enough, this is limbo land, he denied that I was in limbo land, because he had made his choice to stay with his W (this is what he said!). He is saying this to me while he is begging for me to stay in his life, telling me we'll figure it out. I hung up.

That's the last conversation we ever had outside of work 28 days ago. He never let me go - even when I was crying daily for months - seriously, I cried to him for four months about how I felt like I was dying I was so unhappy. He still never let me go. He would pacify me with hopes for the future. Not a future together, but a future in which we had learned to cope with the A better. Then, when I got off the crazy train, he freaked and left her. But then she begged for him to stay, and because he is a coward, he disclosed to her the whole affair, with the hopes I believe, that she would kick him out. But she didn't (of course, I commend her on this - don't problematize that at all). But it meant that he wasn't going anywhere. He told me his worst fear was that she would kick him out and I would walk out. All about him.

I believe that we have so much courage to leave. To believe in ourselves when our self-esteem is shot... it is not easy to believe that a better future awaits. Just a few days, weeks, months out though, and you begin to really see that not only does a better future await, but you realize you are ALREADY living a better life. A dignified life full of personal growth.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 9:49am

Alice,
You hit the nail on the head re: the xAP/MMs being weak cowards who can't manage Rs - real or fake. Limboland is where they live, for sure. Meh, but think of it this way.... As are just Rs for peopled who are all fudged up. Yeah, the xAPs didn't handle the relationship well, neither did we - it's par for the course and doesn't require or deserve a lot of pondering and vexing. Just take it at face value and then let it go!

and should you send your xAP a letter explaining why you left? Sure. That's a great idea -- NOT. Ha. If you want a really good laugh, do nothing re: the letter to X and then wait a month. You'll be laughing your a$$ off that you ever even considered it! ;)

Anger can is very powerful and must be handled with respect - like a loaded gun. It can be a wonderful tool, if managed well - but it can also blow your little head off if you're not careful. Keep this in mind the next time you're feeling drunk with emotion and feel like shooting your xAP like some crazy sniper in the belltower.

Keep the faith!
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:13pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:32pm

What do you mean by "it's all on him?"


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2009
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:46pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 1:51pm

That makes sense. And yes, during my entire A I put him before myself and gave him all of the control... and I let it continue well after NC. We are so used to it, it's hard to break the habit. But I promise, one day soon, that will stop and you will start to think about you and your M first. For me, it was like a light bulb went off and I just stopped it. I stopped worrying about him. And that was liberating. Keep going through the steps, Alice. Keep exploring your feelings and you will get there.


Hugs,


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/