Cried all day today
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:37pm |
I was on five days of NC when the xMM called. He acted like nothing happened, so of course like an idiot I acted like nothing happened. We saw each other at work two more times and it was harder each time. This last time I had to leave the room we were in. On the way home on the phone, I told him I wanted to see him next week, and the no's started again. I felt the old immediate rejection/humiliation and just said, "I'm going to let you go. I can't do this." He made some more comments about us not seeing each other too close together (3 weeks!) then changed the subject to keep talking. But I said, "No, I'm serious. I have to let you go. I want to get off the phone before I say something stupid." He said, "Fine, be that way." And I hung up.
By this morning I was crying. I called him this afternoon and finally got him to be honest with me for the first time in a long time. I cried through that whole conversation. Bottom line is: He still loves me, but he's finally feeling bad for what he's doing with me. He feels guilty. He doesn't want to hurt his wife. He can't see me anymore, but he loves talking to me and wants to keep talking on the phone. At first I said no, then I said yes. (That part of you that thinks you still have a chance as long as there is contact.) We ended okay.
I called in sick to work. Guess what manager took the call? Then he was worried. I told him I felt like crap, emotionally drained. He joked, "See what happens when I tell you how I feel?" Honestly, though, I'm glad he told me. I have to see this for what it is and LET IT GO. I have no future with him. I'm holding on to a fantasy because like so many people have said, physically it was wonderful. Kissing him was like heaven to me. I'm grieving for the that, I think. Not kissing him ever again.
Tomorrow starts NC for me again. I hope I can find the "ovaries" to tell him if he calls that until he's at a point where we can have a relationship, I can't talk to him anymore. Every time I talk to him, it makes me want him more. I can't be his "phone friend." I thought I could. It just prolongs the painful "break-up" because that's what this feels like to me.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out. I know I will cry myself to sleep tonight, but hopefully, I will eventually run out of tears.
Breathe

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Hugs to you Breathe.
Its going to get harder, before it gets easier... but it WILL get easier and you WILL move on.
We're always here if you need to chat, you can email me privately if you want.
I have only been out of my affair for a couple weeks, but I feel like supergirl now. Like I could take on the world.
You will too.
Keep your chin up sister, and don't be ashamed to cry. Let it all out and then you will finally be free.
Good luck, girl!!!!!
"When I meet a man, I ask myself 'Is t
Breathe-
I am so sorry dear. Hugs to you. I am right where you are and it sucks. Tomorrow will be better.
SS
Sunshine burn- I love reading your posts. They always make me feel hopeful I can do this.
SS- thanks for the support. We need to get through it together.
Today I am feeling a lot better. I did cry myself to sleep, but now I am determined to not waste any more energy crying over him.
I feel like I can do this. It's just a matter of breaking old habits. I will stop looking at my cell phone every half hour. If I want to call someone, I have a lot of people I can talk to besides him. I will stop looking at the clock every hour and think of what he is doing. If I look at the clock, I'll think about what my kids might be doing in school. The hardest times are the times I know I am able to talk to him. I will try to find something to keep me occupied during those times. I know it will get harder before it gets easier, as Sun-burn said, so I will do my best to stay on the boards when I get to that dreaded Day 5. LOL.
I can't have another day like yesterday. I literally sat in my PJs on the couch and cried all day. Believe me, a six-month A does not deserve this much grief.
Okay, I'm going to read my "Awakenings" and my "Let It Go" and take a shower and to quote an old saying, remember that "Today is the first day of the rest of my life."
Breathe
Hi
Just wanted to let you know i am there with you. My A ended a month ago. The first 2 weeks was a mess. So in my mind we ended on 1/16. I went 11 days NC and then last Thursday we spoke. he also called me on Fri but I hit ignore. The weekend was fine but this week has been a downer.
I just wanted to say mindset is a lot of this. Your outlook is great!! Keep concentrating on those things. I think i let my outlook change after talkign to MM. YOU have to stay focused on the goal. I let a phone call cloud my judgement and it is tough to get back on track. Breaking old habits is HUGE! I have been working on that myself and it has helped!
Everyone says it gets easier. I can say i have had soem good days so that must be true. Just looking for more of those!
Good luck!!
Hi Breathe
You sound like I did 6 months ago when my affair ended. I cried all the time. It was ruff and I had the back in forth with him for about 1 month or 2 before I realized that I was only causing myself pain and anguish. That this was not worth what I was putting myself through. I felt sick and I just fell into depression, the hardest part was that I had to hide the feelings from DH and put on the happy face while he was around me. I got tired of that to. I can tell you that here I am 6 months later and honestly yes I still think of him and there have been instances when I have wished I could see him, Truth be told life is way better for me and I feel whole again. I miss him but I do not miss the affair. If there is one thing that I can say I learned from this experience is NEVER WILL I COMMIT ADULTERY AGAIN.It tore me up and the worst part is that I was that one person who always said I would never have an affair. Falling for another man almost destoyed my well being.
It is not easy getting over him and I think it is a day to day process, I hope you can find the stenghts and move on, try keeping the no contact it was the best thing I did. I blocked his e-mail and phone numbers, because I knew he would try to reach me. I ran into him on the 31st of Dec. To my amaze I was able to walk away from him, I still have feelings for him, but knowing for me it was over and knowing how good I have been feeling gave me the strength to just treat him as a distant friend and walk away from his advance.
If I can be of any help to you I am here for u. Things do get better if u want them to. I promise. Baby Steps.....
Take Care
Ladybug
Thanks, Ladybug. It's nice to know people understand what I'm feeling.
I thought for sure today would be an easy day. MM never calls me the day after we talk.
Of course today he called. I was at the doctor so I didn't answer. Twenty minutes later he called again. He's never done that in 6 months. I still didn't answer it. I really did not want to talk to him today. On the third call I thought maybe it was important, so I answered it. All he wanted to ask me was if I was at the store where he parks for lunch because he thought he saw me. I said, no, I was at the doctor. I swear, I think he thinks I was lying. I was kind of cool on the phone. I think he noticed. He said he just wanted to see how my doctor visit was. I said, thanks for calling.
I know I made him feel bad, and I think that's the hardest part for me. Even though he has made me feel like crap so many times, it kills me to hurt him. I don't have the heart to just block him off of everything, and I don't think I'll ever be able to tell him not to call me anymore. I guess I'm just hoping he'll do that on his own.
My H and I are separated, but we are hoping to be together at the end of the year. I saw him today, and he looked so good. I always thought he was the most attractive man I knew. I know that if I can successfully put MM behind me, I can feel the way I used to about my H.
I know I may cry now and then, but I don't want to waste another whole day crying over anything again.
Breathe
I'm sorry your feeling so down. It happens, but remember day to day, things will eventually fall into place. Dont worry to much about his feelings worry about your own. You need to take care of yourself and work on your marriage if thats what you really want.
I hope you are feeling better today.
Take Care
Ladybug
I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad. I think you are doing the right thing. I have been there too. Being his phone friend or being his email buddy. In fact, that is where I am right now. I told him not to contact me until he files for D. I had finally had enough of the crying and the rejection and feeling so miserable all the time. But the NC slipped and now here it is a month later and I'm thinking what am I doing? We are slipping right back to where we were.
The thing you said about keeping in contact feeling that you still have a chance as long as there is contact, that really hit home. I thought that very same thing today in fact. I cling to it. It's scary to think that he could actually get over us and the dreams we had of being together and the only way to hold onto it is to keep in contact. But you know what? Maybe the only way to make the dreams a reality is to let go. Try and move on and if it was meant to be then he will get a D and if the timing is right we can be together. It's the only thing I haven't tried.
We both need to face reality and know that we are the OW, and until he can devote his energy to us completely we need to let go. And not let them drag us back in.
I feel for you. I am right there with you.
Big hugs to you. I know I could sure use some!
Thank you so much.
It's hard being strong when you first start, but as time passes, you will get better.
I'm on month 7, and there are times I miss him so much, especially holidays, but I can't break NC.
I was the one that stopped talking to him, and believe me - that didn't make it better or easier to stop hurting at that time.
I think many women should do the NC because it's also a way to salvage our pride.
Even though I had no business doing what I did (intruding in a marriage), I had to make him the enemy in my mind.
I figured that this man that loved me is still with his wife. He's miserable, and wants to leave, but he won't leave her.
He says he loved me, but he's with her. She's won.
She gets him at night, and I got a cold bed.
I'm a good looking woman, and there was NO WAY I was going to share a man with another woman. I don't need to do that. I'm too good for that, and so are you.
I needed to find my own man, and that's what I'm doing.
As I said previously, my affair was emotional, but that didn't make it any less real. I still had the same feelings for him that women who have been in actual affairs have. The only difference was that we never had sex, and I'm glad we didn't, because it would have been an amazing mess.
I'm too good to be #2 in a man's life, and so are you.
NC is hard to decide to do, hard to do, and hard to keep, but if you break it - you feel like crap, and have to start all over again....and that feeling is much worse.
Hang in there - your time will come to smile.
SMILE :)
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