Cried all day today
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| Tue, 02-01-2005 - 9:37pm |
I was on five days of NC when the xMM called. He acted like nothing happened, so of course like an idiot I acted like nothing happened. We saw each other at work two more times and it was harder each time. This last time I had to leave the room we were in. On the way home on the phone, I told him I wanted to see him next week, and the no's started again. I felt the old immediate rejection/humiliation and just said, "I'm going to let you go. I can't do this." He made some more comments about us not seeing each other too close together (3 weeks!) then changed the subject to keep talking. But I said, "No, I'm serious. I have to let you go. I want to get off the phone before I say something stupid." He said, "Fine, be that way." And I hung up.
By this morning I was crying. I called him this afternoon and finally got him to be honest with me for the first time in a long time. I cried through that whole conversation. Bottom line is: He still loves me, but he's finally feeling bad for what he's doing with me. He feels guilty. He doesn't want to hurt his wife. He can't see me anymore, but he loves talking to me and wants to keep talking on the phone. At first I said no, then I said yes. (That part of you that thinks you still have a chance as long as there is contact.) We ended okay.
I called in sick to work. Guess what manager took the call? Then he was worried. I told him I felt like crap, emotionally drained. He joked, "See what happens when I tell you how I feel?" Honestly, though, I'm glad he told me. I have to see this for what it is and LET IT GO. I have no future with him. I'm holding on to a fantasy because like so many people have said, physically it was wonderful. Kissing him was like heaven to me. I'm grieving for the that, I think. Not kissing him ever again.
Tomorrow starts NC for me again. I hope I can find the "ovaries" to tell him if he calls that until he's at a point where we can have a relationship, I can't talk to him anymore. Every time I talk to him, it makes me want him more. I can't be his "phone friend." I thought I could. It just prolongs the painful "break-up" because that's what this feels like to me.
Thanks for reading. I just needed to get this out. I know I will cry myself to sleep tonight, but hopefully, I will eventually run out of tears.
Breathe

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I have definately made the decision for NC. It was hard and I was scared but I am solid on that choice. Now sticking with it....I realized that we weren't sticking to it as planned, now I need to step back and acknowledge that fact, and try harder and move ahead.
That's all I can do, one day at a time, right?
I know this is not the life that I want to lead. I know I will never go back to the A. I will not enable him to cheat anymore. I will not sacrifice my self-respect anymore.
I think it has made me stronger to be the one to end things this time. I least I know it was my choice this time. It helps me to feel a little better.
I do miss him. I miss sharing time with him. I miss him alot.
I hope that he figures out what he wants. I want him to be happy.
I have felt like crap breaking the NC. Just like I felt like crap when he didn't call or didn't come over.
I don't want to be so hard on myself. In time, I will get there!
Thank you so much.
Well, I got my ovaries, I guess.
I told xMM today that I couldn't do the phone thing anymore. He was upset that I wouldn't be talking to him anymore, but I said that if he cared about me, he'd see how this is like torture to me and causing me pain, and he would just let me go.
It was an hour-long conversation, with a lot of crying on my part, but I kept to my message. No contact. I'm sure he'll stick to it. I am going to miss him like crazy, but I know I did the right thing. I don't work with him for the next two weeks, and then he goes away for 10 days. That means I should have 3 weeks under my belt when he gets back. I am hoping I will be much stronger by then.
I had a special ring-tone assigned to his number on my cell phone. I just went and made that ring-tone apply for EVERY call I get. It shouldn't be too long then for my heart to stop jumping when I hear that ring.
I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I have to. I am actually NOT crying right now. Maybe I'm finally accepting this is the way it has to be. I am going to start going to T soon. I hope it helps me as much as it did some of you others on here.
Thanks, and I'm sure you'll see me around the boards.
Breathe
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