At a crossroad
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| Fri, 03-04-2005 - 1:39am |
Hi. I am a MW of 5 1/2 years who started seeing a SM (although he has a live-in girlfriend), 10 years my senior, that I met at a temporary job about 4 months ago. When I met this OM my M was suffering - my H had lost his job, we hadn't been sexually active in over a month, and I had lost a great deal of respect for my husband as a man. Although our problems began early on in the marriage, we typically just swept them under the rug until an argument allowed us to pull the rug back, and enjoyed each other's companionship and love for the most part. We had a lot of good days as well as bad.
I am an overachiever who has always strived for more, which has led to many successes. My H is a highschool drop-out who only obtained his GED after I nagged him constantly for months and signed him up for class - but he did get it. He has no desire to earn a degree although his father left him a paid education (up through a masters). When my H began suspecting that I was having an A, he stepped his game up, agreed to marriage counseling (which he didn't believe in beforehand), and enrolled in a trade school. I am a 3rd year law student, set to graduate in less than 2 months and am starting to think more about my future and what I want out of life. My H has made it clear that he is satisfied with what we have now (a house, dog, and 2 decent cars and a truck - the simple life) but I want more. We are in marriage counseling and it seems to be helping but I am still dealing with issues from the A.
I tried to end the A a couple of times after 4 weeks of realizing that I was having an A, but each attempt only lasted 2-3 weeks before I made contact or responded to the OM's contact. Just yesterday, after 3 weeks apart, I saw the OM and agreed to have just a friendship but late last night I realized a friendship is probably impossible. I still miss the OM deeply and I am not yet ready to let go. After yesterdays conversation and email -in which I stressed us being just friends- I have not heard from him and I have not made C either. My mind tells me to move on but my heart keeps holding on and all of me is still wanting some closure before I say it's completely over. I have been dishonest w/ the OM about my marriage - exaggerating how bad it is, and I want to be honest before I end it. I also want to tell my husband about the OM because I think it would help me in our M and move on with life but I am extremely scared to (I'm afraid of hurting my H and that he will end our M). I have been able to be very open and honest with my H about most anything until I started having an A and I know it's why I am unable to open up w/ my H and connect now as we had in the past. I have put a lot of energy into prayer, reading my bible, and journaling but I am still experiencing a lot of sorrow.
When I weigh the pros and cons of everything I realize my H is a wonderful man (respectful, fun, handsome, my HS sweetheart - but not interested in big ideas, dreams, and aspirations). I do eventually want to have children and I believe my H would be a GREAT dad. The OM has a history of cheating, has been M 2x, has 5 kids with 4 W, and is very needy. I want my M to work but there are many things I have problems accepting in it (i.e., my H's desire to let me be the breadwinner when we do have kids, poor money mgt as a couple, mismatch educational values, and mismatch passion for spiritual growth). I do not want the OM's problems but I want him to stick around (have my cake and eat it too syndrome) because of how he makes me feel. I had stopped doing many of the things I enjoy because of my unhappiness (which I've now discovered was w/ myself) but after meeting the OM became reinspired. I also began counseling immediately after the OM and I had IC, the first time.
Since I met the OM I have become a bit happier but mostly because of the counseling - personal and marriage. I do enjoy writing to him because I LOVE to write and he is very responsive to my writing and communicates on my level. He has also said many times that he will leave his girl and really wants to be w/ me. He has even said that he wants to marry me, but of course I am already M. I often feel that he cares about me more than I care about him. However, I am very depressed after each 2-3 weeks I stay away to end it. At this point I want the OM to be a close friend that I email regularly but have no physical contact with and I want my H to know about him. I also want to stay M and get things back to normal. Is this an oximoron? Is it safe to contact the OM one last time for closure? Can I move on even though my heart hasn't completely let go? Is my marriage salvagable? Should I tell my husband everything? What are some of the best ways to occupy one's time when trying to move on?
My H works 3rd shift and so I'm alone at night. My prayers, bible reading, and journaling keeps me busy during this time but my mind still wanders to the OM. And, it's during this time that I have broken down and re-initiated contact, always via email. I know this A isn't right but a part of me likes the thrill. The OM's girl knows of me and has a record of the phone calls. She broke up his 2nd M and they are not the happy couple. BUT, I don't want him to leave her because I know he will then come after me. I still want to straddle the fence, like I said - have my cake and eat it too, but it's purely for selfish reasons (he's handsome, a successful business guy, prays and reads his bible regularly, is active in the community and church, and is extremely intelligent AND emotionally open - i like an emotional man). I have no interest in the baggage, just him. Is this an oximoron? He reminds me a lot of my dad who has always been a womanizer and is cheating on my step-mom to this day (w/ 3-4 women). I think this has a huge impact on me and is part of the reason why I am even intrested in the OM. Should I extend my counseling? How do I regain the feelings I had for my H? Anyone out there with a similar story? I have come to see myself as a spoiled brat with a great H who wants it all, especially since I think I would be happier in my M if my H had a degree and wanted more in life too - mostly material things but a relationship w/ Christ also ranks high. I am at a crossroad - any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you very much!
~Beautifully Human

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Mo, it seems you and I are similar minded on Beautiful's situation....
cl-nre
Amen, Survive....AMEN!!!!!!
cl-nre
"anything more substantial on this topic is probably outsides the bounds of this board."
NOT as long as I'm volunteering as cl.
Healing your spirit and relying on God for guidance are key ingredients to leaving the affair lifestyle in the past.
cl-nre
BH, I read this post of yours after my initial reply further down the thread tree.
It seems you are already aware of many of the things I mentioned in my post.
Keep the OM out of your life.
Period.
You need to work on you without split attention to OM.
jmho,
cl-nre
Dear Mo:
I haven't read Dante lately, and from what you said--I don't know if I want to. I hold on to the belief that Christ forgives every sin. When he asked about 'who among you has no sin should throw the first stone' the woman was an adulteress. Again, the Samaritan woman at the well had 'five husbands' when she found faith in Jesus. So he gives us two major examples of women with sexual sin in the Bible. I don't think then that there is any doubt that he forgives this sin. The key is to repent and sin no more. Both of us have done that.
For me, I have the issue of getting a divorce and now have agreed to marry a new man. Unfortunately, all of my Christian friends do not find any room for remarriage.
You know I have not read any books. I am just trying to pray on my knees and work this out between me and God. What I have learned is that it is God's grace and mercy that makes our relationship right. He is doing the work. We need to turn it over to him. He can make it right when we can't
Survive
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