A cry for Help: A humble request

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
A cry for Help: A humble request
4
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 3:51pm

Today is my second attempt at NC ... the last one in December lasted 3 days. Then I was right back at it on the roller-coaster. I knew immediately though that I was going to start backing away, got myself into therapy and started lurking on this board. I have an incredibly supportive H who separated from me in Sept. and was able to share with me recently what he thinks about what is happening to me, and the AP. He felt that he couldn't say this to me when we were together because he wanted me to trust him and that it wasn't about getting me back. I need and want to end this A. It is destroying me. I have been using all the denial in the world to keep from going NC (or low contact because we share an office). We have been 'caught' several times by his W, but he tells her some fancy lies and then all is okay until the next time. When my partner confronted me I told him the truth and we tried to work on things ... i blew my chances then. My xAP told me today that what he hopes for my future is that me and my H can re-configure through separation, that in the future I will find someone who can love me all the time, and then when we can, we can love one another. This is when it really hit me, he really thinks this is an acceptable way to live. We have never planned to leave our partners. It didn't work out for me because my H had the wits about him to take care of himself (and me) by leaving the situation. I wasn't strong enough then to make the right choice. Okay, I am rambling. I dunno. I guess I am here to ask (humbly) for your help. I read every line that is written, respond when I feel able ... and now it's my turn to ask for your support. I'm scared of the next few days. I'm scared of going back more.

Thank you for reading.

j.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 4:32pm

J,


Far be it from me to give advise because I am in the exact same boat. I am on day 2 of NC and it has been so hard but I feel like I have more strength today than yesterday. Im hoping for even more tomorrow than I have today and so on. I wanted to reassure you that you are not alone. I am headed to church here soon and I will say a prayer for you, for me and for all of the other great women on this board.


Remember your self worth as you navigate through these waters. Do not comprimise who you are and what you believe in for any one or any man. Stay strong and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 5:10pm

Hi Jodi,
I'm glad you found the courage to post to this board. I lurked for 2-3 weeks before I could actually write anything. This is a tough day for you. I am on attempt #3 to end my 3-year A, and I am feeling like I just might make it this time, and it is because of the support I receive here. By being a part of this board, I am held accountable for maintaining my decision to end my A. I ended it 12/6/09, and have maintained LC (I work with my XAP)since 12/23/09.

<> You are at a good place to start. You see what this is doing to you. The "feel goods" are no longer worth what this is doing to the rest of your life. You feel bad more often than you feel good. It's time to stop.

I can really relate to what you say about your XAP thinking this is an acceptable way to live. I was told that same thing all the time, that we should just live for the here and now because it feels good. It sickens me to know that is all I was to him. Just an escape from the everyday hassles of his normal family life; just something to make him feel good for awhile.

I could no longer stand the person I had become: a lying, cheating thief. I want to be the person I used to be.It sounds like you are addicted to this relationship, as I was. You recognize that you need to get out or you will be destroyed. Things will be difficult for you at work. I still run into my XAP all the time. What helps me it to stay as busy as I can to make my day go by quickly and to keep my mind on something besides him. You can get through it, but you need to remember to come here for help when you are tempted to break LC. I have had a couple of weak moments and I came straight to this board and was able to get my strength back. You can do this! We will get you through it.

I am thinking about you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 6:07pm

(((Jodi))


You have our support. We are here for you whenever you need us. Keep reading and learning...and take it one day at a time. That is all you can ask of yourself. You didn't get into this mess overnight. The feelings and emotions formed during the course of your A, and therefore

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Sat, 01-16-2010 - 8:30pm

Hello All,

Just a little note to express my gratitude for your incredible support & words of wisdom. I spent the evening surrounded by my family and was able to openly cry about what I was going through with my H, and for us to share with one another how he can support me through this ... as my original post stated, he separated from me in the fall by moving into an apartment a block away. He is relentless as a co-parent and as a best friend. I finally knew I wasn't okay when he told me that I wouldn't emotionally survive this - I trust him with every fiber of my being... he never said once to end the A, or made me make a choice, he never felt this was his place. Instead he made a choice when I was unable/unwilling. I believe we can only truly end this when we are motivated for ourselves ... not for any other reason. The denial has ended and I am ready to move on.

Jodi