crying all the time now
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| Mon, 11-15-2004 - 1:19pm |
Why did I not cry before like this. I have to pull over when I am driving - I flip the radio stations because the songs make me cry. I have talked my best friends ear off and I can tell that she has given me advice and has listened enough.
That one call I took on Friday.......I was strong...I felt comfortable and like a friend...until he said that he was doing horrible and he felt awful and that he wished at times that he could come over and crawl into bed with me and just hold eachother..
I just said that I missed that........but we both know it will not happen. I said that I was not going to the dinner that all our friends were going to that night.
I tried to keep myself busy all weekend. I went out with my "own" friends, movies, lunch, met for cocktails in the evening.....just to not be sitting at the place where I was housesitting - wishing he would call........
I feel like I am right back to where I started. I waited for his call all weekend - and of course there was none.....a blessing right.
How do I get over the realization that all the emotion and happiness he showed he felt for me when we basically lived together for 3 months - just went away.
Its like he doesn't even miss me, or ever cared for me.
I know that he has no support in this - so how is he able to practice the NC....and get over this so quickly.
I want to move away now. I feel that I need to get a D and sever contact with all those friends and start over.

We can't focus on that. I honestly believe that that is how they deal with things. They can't just cut off their feelings for us - they suppress their feelings. I had a friend who went through this last year at this time and the only way she was able to get over him was to not talk to him. She didn't want to talk to him bc it was too painful and knew it could never be and was sick of hurting all the time. I feel that is what some of us do as well as the XMM.
Be strong and know that you are going to have good and bad days. Sometimes I think I need to be way over this more than I am. Today I woke and said to myself that I am sick of being upset over this person. I cant change anything and crying isn't going to help either. Why should I cry over something that will never change or fix? Its hard but I need to stay true to that. I need to walk away knowing that he did love me and he did have a hard time with this too and that we just couldn't be together bc it was bad timing in our life. I hate to chalk it up to that but in a way I can say that XMM has some class to not leave his wife with no job and his three kids out in the cold. I hate that but he is doing the right thing by his family and I am doing the right thing by mine. Remember that only you and him know exactly what went on between you and what was said and remember those times and don't dwell on why he didn't call you. I'm sure that is his way of dealing with the situation. Walk away knowing he did care for you and leave it as that. I know that sounds hard to do and today I am strong so hopefully this is a new start for me and it can be for you.
Good luck