Curious?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
Curious?
14
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 6:43pm
I am just wondering how many other married women with single AP are out there? Do we let ourselves get more attached because they do not have a wife at home? Just curious....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
In reply to: maydaytw
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 8:49pm
I don't fit your demographic exactly but...
Onward and upward.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2008
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 5:47am

Hi May,


I was married with a single AP... and yes I think so. I know I did.... he was single and therefore NEEDED looking after!!! He needed me, ha.


sunbeam

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 9:49am
It is so strange when I think about it. He needed me (Ha!), or so I thought. I took care of him and it was the taking care of him part that grew MY attachment. I gave him the best when I was with him, it is certainly not how the real world is when it is a give and take relationship. I wonder if they get equally attached because someone is meeting their needs? Well, they will be disappointed when they figure out that a real life relationship does not work that way. Today, 2 weeks no contact....praying he does not think he needs me again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:29am

Hi Mayday -

No doubt affairs are hard either way, but when on party is single and the other is married, there is definitely more of a "lopsided" dynamic. In my case, I'm single, XAP is married.

<<< I wonder if they get equally attached because someone is meeting their needs?>>>

It might be different for a man, but as a single woman, he never came close to meeting my needs. There would be glimmers of him "taking care of me". Even though you might have felt that you were taking care of your XAP and meeting his needs, you really weren't. None of us can, because the R wasn't real.

When you are the single one, XAP has the benefit of you being available all the time. There were countless times I needed my XAP and he wasn't there.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:43am
Hmmm, when I look back at how easy it was for me to just be there when he needed me, I feel no better than a maid. I did everything at home during the day, and would just go and do it all again at his house at night. Looking back, he had the best of both worlds. I did a lot of his housework, slept in his bed, and he had the weekends to play with the boys. Fool that I am, I though it was a pretty nice arrangement for both of us, we both had our weekends free. However, now that I have my week nights free, I see how many other things I enjoy doing that I did not do while with him. For example, curling up on the couch with a good book at a cat on my lap is much more pleasant than doing his dishes....He needed a maid and a hooker I think, not a wife or a lover...and I was so blind for so long about all the little things my husband does for ME, not the house, ME, when he is around. That man peels and makes mashed potatoes, and NEVER complains about helping with dishes or laundry....NO CONTACT, 2 WEEKS.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 11:54am

You are in a much better place now :) It sounds like you have a pretty special husband. Keep up the NC. If JAM wants someone to clean his house or have sex with him, he can find the "appropriate" people and pay them!

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 12:04pm

Hi Mayday,


Although I'm not able to marry, I've been in a registered domestic partnership with my SO for ten years and my xAP is single. xAP is an unrequited high school crush and I was foolish enough to try to start something with him on two different occasions. The first time I left my current bf in order to be with xAP, who disappeared a short time later.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 12:34pm
Well, this is what I did, I looked up the meaning of the word courage and the word coward. He is a coward and actually a jerk (well I use a different word in my head but I am not going to swear on the board). Every single time I have a thought, and I mean EVERY time I have a thought of him I fix on his face and call him a coward. And now in my mind I see him as weak. He obviously has serious issues if he couldn't find a smart, beautiful, single woman to be with him. So he took the chicken way out and went with someone he knew he could not have. I told him from the beginning I would NEVER leave. So now I think of him as a coward and whenever I think of him, I call my hubby, who is not a coward. Two weeks later and I do feel better, you will too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 1:45pm
LOL - I believe the very last words I said to xAP were"Well, I'd rather be a hopeless romantic than an emotional coward."
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2010
In reply to: maydaytw
Mon, 08-09-2010 - 2:05pm
Check out Joan Armatrading's The Weakness in Me.........

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