Cyber stalking

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Cyber stalking
26
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 6:07pm
I'm only on my third day of NC but I am cyber stalking him and can't seem to stop even though i'm creeping myself out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 6:19pm

If it makes you feel bette, I am three weeks NC...if you include some very mild cyberstalking than only 6 days or so. He does not have FB and the little I have looked at only made me hurt more, even tho nothing was there that should. So the little I did I stopped. I know nothing of him and initially it stings but with him, i think the less i know, the better....and better. and theses three weeks have been pretty good now, WAIT, dont think I do not think of him obsessively or get hurt from time to time, but today is a good day and I am taking it.

I deleted some things....I put some negative things he told me to motivate me and I am doing ok, Am I well? NO, but today I feel I took back some control he had over me and that victory is mine and I am thankful for this day, this, our, this moment, but today is good and I can take it and enjoy it.

I am going to try to think what brought me here....to this point and keep that focus.

Try to stay off his sites....really try. it really will eventually does get better and the less you know the better....it does not seem like it at first but trust me, it will get better. and it makes NC easier.

If you find the urge to go on the site, come here first, read, post, do whatever...

good luck and I am here if you need me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 6:27pm
Thanks. I just need to get out of the fog I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 6:48pm

there are a lot of words of encouragment thru out this board. I have some i keep on my phone to look at..some of em I know by hard. Go to the healing library...its a great place.
I have quotes for days to get you thru if you need em....these are stolen from other women, sorry i can not remember who...but they keep me going...some are long but worth reading every word. and remember I am here as your cyber buddy if you need me.

I think I know your story....minds is posted in the roll call, if you care to share yours, let me know and I will cater sayings to it...but in the end, the saying are all applicable. here are some of my favorites.

To those who are struggling with NC and ending the A: you can do it. You are worth it. You deserve someone who will put you first. Love you and only you. Someone who would move heaven and earth before they would be willing to see in you in this kind of pain.
By breaking NC you say you are not worth those things. Stop focusing on XAP and focus on you. Ever time you choose to not contact XAP you choose to say I AM WORTH MORE THAN THAT AND I DESERVE BETTER. Remember you are important.

When you pull back another layer of MM having a affairs, you find a really insecure man who has to have the adoration of not just one woman, but multiple. He can't stand to be alone. Weak. Insecure. Morally bankrupt.

HE is the one who really lost something worth holding onto...

HE had someone who would have done almost anything for him...HE had someone who turned herself inside out to make him feel good even when her heart was breaking...HE had someone who was ALWAYS there and ALWAYS supportive and ALWAYS compassionate...HE had someone who truly cared about him as a person and was willing to put up with all kinds of crap just for the "privilege" of having him in her life...HE had someone who blamed the situation and not him for his bad behavior and loved him anyway...HE had someone who stroked his ego on demand...HE had someone who told him how perfect and sexy and smart he is at every turn...HE had someone who really thought of him as a friend and would have been his friend forever...

Because of HIS OWN bad behavior..HE no longer has any of that. Even if he's found someone else to give him those things, it doesn't change the fact that he won't get those things FROM ME. For five years, I've been at his beck and call while he's been hot and cold at best. He loved that he had that control and if nothing else, I know he'll eventually miss that and be sorry that he blew it. (pretty sure he'll come a fishin' one of these days for that reason alone and I'll be ready).

One thing that you have to keep reminding yourself....If he calls you, it's not because he left his W and wants to be with you....it's not because he loves you and can't live without you....it's not because he's so hurt and so concerned about your well-being. He's calling because he's selfish. He's calling to get his fix. He's calling to see if you still want him. He's calling because he doesn't respect you enough to let you live your life and find someone who will give you everything you deserve. He's calling b/c something's missing in his M and you were the filler.

hope you enjoy these and refer to them regularly, they will help you get thru

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 7:26pm

toosmart4this...please try to realize that


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 8:11pm

Nothing wrong with cyber stalking as long as you know not to break contact. I understand where most gals on here say its bad to cyber stalk because it keeps you hanging on..it prolongs the pain. I absolutely AGREE that it does prolong the pain! However, I think its naive to think that people just "let go" of something that was part of your life for so long. Even in "normal" relationships, when people break up, they cyber stalk. In my opinion, its part of human nature to do so. We all do it, but very few (if any) admit to it.

My xAP's wife friend requested me on myspace! I accepted her. We're talking. I'm going to probably tell her that I can't do this for long because I really do want to get over him. I just know that I will do it when *I'M* ready.

Good luck!

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 9:39pm

Lost


Cyberstalking is causing new


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 10:00pm

lost again,

I am sorry, but I have to agree with Clarity....not just about toosmart for this, but about you too. I am a newbie and perhaps that is why you just figure my words do not weigh much, I am not sure. But you have told me time and time again about how u want this over, yet you continue to hold on...and to his wife of all people.

I have told you and others too, that unless you do not want to end this, you need to disconnect it all....why do you want to continue to with his wife?

Maybe you do not really want to let go?
and one thing you are right about...it has to be on your time, you have to do it, we can not make you stop being so called friends with your MM wife....we will never really know if you stop or not, but what we do know, is that you will be hurting yourself more and more along the way....making it even harder for you to end the A etc....

u will be stuck....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 10:37pm

You're absolutely right Clarity. But its unrealistic to expect someone to just let go is what I'm saying. I'm saying that any person in any relationship goes through these steps. It's normal behavior, is all I'm saying. I'm not saying to continue cyber stalking that person because it is unhealthy to stalk. But it is normal for a human being to go through this stage.

Clarity, did you not inquire about your xAP after the break-up? Don't tell me you never looked at a picture, gift, or drove by his house or whatever after the break up.

Sienna...I don't know where you got that I don't take your advice seriously? I do and I know you have a point. I just feel that you are telling me to stop this but yet you don't take your own advice because when we chatted on IM you were saying how you wish your xAP would contact you.

And it has happened before when the Ow and Wife ended up being friends. Its not uncommon.

I don't know I just feel this NC feels like a cult. I understand going no contact but the way its enforced on this message board makes it feel like a cult. For example, if you don't oblige by the NC conduct, you get kicked out of the 'club'.

Edited to add: Please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say... I do agree that NO CONTACT is the absolute way to go. What I'm complaining about is the way its enforced on this message board. So people have slip ups, people cyber stalk, people have feelings and its not so easy to turn them off. Also, if you think about it... coming on an AFFAIR MESSAGE BOARD is prolonging the pain too because you're not letting go of the affair. An AFFAIR message board is still engaging you to be part of your affair instead of forgetting it altogether.




Edited 12/22/2009 10:41 pm ET by llostagain

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:19pm

I don't expect people to be able to just let go, but holding on for dear life, which you with your unwillingness


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Tue, 12-22-2009 - 11:35pm

I do agree that most of us have cyber stalked and I even more so agree that it causes so much more pain. I will tell you my personal experience with Cyber stalking. You create your own truth and that can cause so much more pain. What you see is not necessarily what is BUT you will draw to your own conclusions. I have anyway. You see new happy pictures of him and you think "he has moved on" "he looks so happy; cute; whatever" " is that a new woman??? LOL" etc. It is not healthy if you are vulnerable. I have stopped it myself. I used to check so many times a day. It is so hard. But I remind myself that even if I do see what it is I see I will draw my own negative conclusion. Quite frankly I can't deal with added BS. I have to build myself and by inflicting more pain on myself I wont get to my desired goal EVER. I will tell you that I saw him in a picture online with another woman and I cried for hours. Reality she could be a friend.. RIGHT??? I dont know unless I ask and I wont be doing that. So stop looking as it will cause you more pain. I know and I have to say I feel better that I havent done so in a while. Well its been a week LOL. But it is a step forward.

Oh mind you I broke NC 3 days ago but since I have been cyber and contact free. I did have my cry tonight for a bit. Feeling better. :)

Edited 12/22/2009 11:45 pm ET by i_believe_in_myself




Edited 12/22/2009 11:47 pm ET by i_believe_in_myself
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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