Cyberstalking

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Cyberstalking
4
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 11:52am

hi everyone,

I haven't posted in quite a while but my story in a nutshell was that I had an affair with someone I had been lovers with before either of us was married. I've taken things harder than I ever imagined I would because not only do I have recent hurts, my precious memories of our earlier relationship have been compromised as well.

I am 6 mos. no contact but i've been cyberstalking pretty consistently since I ended by A. It's been like a compulsion. I have never been tempted to break NC nor do I aspire to rekindle my A. I am deeply embarrassed and troubled by this habit - particularly because the routes I have to take to get information are often through xAP's wife and family.

I know this is the last piece of him that I have to let go of in order to truly be able to move on and heal. So today I am beginning TRUE NC by quitting the cyberstalking. The temptation to check in is great and this will not be easy but I know that I have to do it. Anyone else have trouble letting go of the need for information on xAP?

On another note, i've seen a lot of people getting bummed out when there is backsliding and a lot of pain on this board. It's important for everyone to remember that it is the troubled who come here. The women who heal and move on do just that - they move on and don't post any longer (except a dedicated few). So don't get frustrated, don't feel pessimistic when you read these posts. Every woman's experience is different but, eventually, we'll all get from here to there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: wit1604
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 3:02pm

Wit,

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News flash. Cyber-stalking is breaking NC on your end. We've had this discussion before on here, and the old vets agree 100% that any form of contact such as reading their FB page, Googling them, asking about them through mutual acquaintances, etc. is breaking NC. You CANNOT heal as long as you continue to rip open wounds that need to heal. If you want to be completely healthy again, you need to end this behavior now. Step away from your computer for a few days if this is what it takes. Also, you may call it a compulsion but this actually falls under the addictive nature of the A and is a habit that can only be broken by TOTAL NC.

<>

Those who post regularly have a right to get bummed/frustrated when a newcomer keeps touching that hot stove over and over again, and then posts about not realizing just how hot it really was. If you are not ready to do the work necessary to terminate the A for good, then come back when you are.

The definition of Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Perhaps they need therapy more than they need a support group, although we recommend that they combine the two. Us vets can only do so much, and then the rest is up to the poster.

I hope you get this stalking thing under control. It is hurting you much more than you know.

Take care,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
In reply to: wit1604
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 3:15pm
Thanks, Iddy. You're not telling me anything that I didn't already know but it helps to be called out on bad behavior. The thing about cyberstalking is that it is so easy to accomplish and so covert that there really wasn't anything to prevent me from doing it except myself. I'm on board now and i'm hoping that out of sight will definitely mean out of mind.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2010
In reply to: wit1604
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 5:45pm

Hi Wit,

I, too, had some problems stopping cyberstalking. It's like you say, it's easy and he doesn't notice it, so it's not that humiliating. I did it three times after the A ended. The last time was in january, six months out of the A. It probably hindered my healing.

Have you already asked yourself why you do it? What are you trying to discover through cyberstalking? Are you trying to feel close to him? When do you do it (are there any triggers)?

Hang in there,

Pru

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2006
In reply to: wit1604
Wed, 06-09-2010 - 12:04am

I, too, am guilty of this behavior.