The cycle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2014
The cycle
4
Tue, 08-26-2014 - 10:14pm

Hello,

I am so glad I found this forum.  I too have been suffering with the heart breaking consequences of having an affair.  Here is my story:

I met my AP at work.  I am a nurse, he is a doctor.  Sounds so typical.  What started first as a friendship, quickly turned into an emotional affair.  We started texting each other, calling, and I finally agreed to meet him at his house for lunch.  As soon as I stepped in his house, he kissed me in a way I have never been kissed before.  Although I felt guilty about this, I continued to see him and rationalize seeing him.  This all started 8 months ago.

Throughout the affair, I have attempted to end things on several occasions.  Each time feels like a the worst breakup Ive ever experienced.  The longest I have gone with NC was for one month.  I was starting to feel a lot better, and then my mind led me to believe that I could "be friends" with my AP.  I am beyond tired of getting my heart broken.  Every time I end contact with him, it gets harder.  I get a text or call that says "I miss you" and fall into the trap all over again.

I am fairly young (24) and recently married.  I am so disapointed in myself for letting this happen.  My husband is a wonderful man who treats me great.  My AP is 56 years old and separated.  I know there is a huge age difference, but I have the best time when I am around him.  I realize now that this is not real, just fantasy.  I have started no contact again today.  For the LAST time.  It's time to protect my heart, and put everything I have into my marriage.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Tue, 08-26-2014 - 11:41pm

Hi Movingforward1

I'm glad you found us too because you are going to need the support and know-how to conduct yourself in the workplace to be able to work through this.

Workplace affairs are the absolute pits. Not only do you have to see them still so that makes it rough, but you can only go LC (limited contact) which is more difficult than NC. It's doable, however.

Okay, so your chemicals are having a swirlfest, and you are stuck in a crush...and it's hard breaking things off in that crush stage. At least NC allows for the chemicals to subside over time, but for you, it'll have to be LC. There is a thread in our Healing Library on LC in the workplace. 

I'm glad you realize that friends is not an option. Really, once we step over the line, the friendship has sailed. And as long as chemicals are still running the show, it's only a matter of time when you are right back in the thick of it. And we are usually kidding ourselves. Ending an affair is like quitting an addiction.  It demands honesty and courage.

Question. Have you told him officially it is over? That's really important, so at least you are on the same page.

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2014
Thu, 08-28-2014 - 9:16am

Clarity,

Thank you so much for your reply!

To answer your question, I have neveer directly and firmly told him its over.  I have said things like "we cant do this anymore" etc... all statements which leave the door open.  I am now in the process of blocking his number.  I have ignored his messages before and completely quit talking to him (except for work), only to find myself replying when I have a moment of weakness.  I have to block those numbers to protect myself.  Why is that so hard??

You are so right about affairs being like an addiction.  Thinking I can talk to this man or "be friends" without getting hurt, even though I KNOW that the end result will be pain, I  still continue to give in.  That is addiction.  I am taking it one day at a time.  Today is day #2 with no contact.  I plan to keep myself busy.  

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
In reply to: wClarity
Thu, 08-28-2014 - 10:48am

You definitely need to protect yourself. You have way more to lose than this guy who's free and just playing around with a young woman who is betraying her vows, her spouse and  disrespecting herself. Well, depending upon company policy, you could both lose your job.

Has he asked you to leave your husband to be with him?

Just blocking isn't really going to do the trick if you are going to run into each at work and resume your affair.

You either want to end your affair or not. You have to decide. You said you keep getting hurt...how so?

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 10-02-2014 - 3:54pm
Movingforward, focus your energy on your marriage. You also don't want to jeopardize your career for a few minutes of pleasure. You have so much to lose where your XAP does not. Please know that for him this is just fun for the moment and you can stand to lose everything for a man that doesn't care whether you contact him or not. Please try to look at the situation for what it is...its just physical...nothing more, nothing less. Keep busy and do things that you enjoy in order to distract you from contacting him. Delete his #, email account and whatever else you may have that may tempt you to reach out. Join the gym or take up a new activity to keep your mind off of him. You need to do this for you and for your sanity. You can't work things out with your H if you have a 3rd party involved. I wish you the best!