To: DAF....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
To: DAF....
1
Wed, 11-17-2004 - 11:03pm
I have a question for you. I was re-reading some of your posts and I truly feel for you. I was just wondering, since you have been trying so hard to win back your H's affection, and so far to no avail, what do you think would happen if you told him you wanted to separate while he is sorting through his feelings? I just think sometimes, when it seems you're in a no win situation, drastic measures need to be taken. I feel like he is punishing you way more than you deserve while you are doing everything in your power to make it up to him. It was a mistake. Grant you, a HUGE one, but I;m sure he's made mistakes too that you're not making him "pay" for. Maybe if you left the picture for a while he could see that he really does love and need you in his life, and it may make him feel that HE'S the one who made the mistake for not giving you the chance you deserve. It worked with my xH. I didn't have an affair, but I did treat him very bad for a long long time, took advantage of him until he got to the point of losing alll feelings for me. (and then HE had an affair.) I was SO sorry for mistreating him, knew I was completely wrong and did everything in my power to right all those wrongs. He still said he couldn't love me anymore, no matter what I tried. So I had to leave. I couldn't live like that anymore. My self esteem and pride depended on the decision I had to make. When I left, I actually found myself at peace, getting over him and moving on with my life. 5 months later, low and behold, H came back to me full force!!! Couldn't live without me, was so appologetic about not giving me the chance I asked for. I moved back home. 1 year later, I realized that it just wasn't where I wanted to be anymore. I made a new life for myself and I just didn't see him in it. I filed for D and we ended things amicably. Now we are very good friends.
So what I'm trying to tell you, is it may not seem like a good idea to leave, when it's what you're really trying to avoid but is there a possiblity that it COULD happen that way? I almost feel at this point you have nothing to lose. You're miserable with him right now, right? I just worry about your peace of mind. Sure, you deserved to lose some dignity over how you hurt H, but I think you've paid your dues. I sounds like he's taking advantage of your emotions, and I hope you don't let him do that to you. I know I'm not real good at giving advice, but I hurt for you and this is just something that worked for me. It took a long time but he came back. Just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers!! I wish you luck through this difficult time!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2003
In reply to: pal1214
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 1:18pm

OMG Pal,

I just read your post to me and after the morning I have had it hit home hard. I just posted some jabbering to MO, please read it if you have a chance.

Financially right now I can't leave the house and H has told me repeatedly he will not leave the house. The counselor thinks that it is ok if we both stay because of the kids and issues with their care and my schedule and H's. After what happened this morning, I just don't know. In this state if one partner moves out it is seen as abandonment and H knows that. I have no one I could stay with because it is all H's family around here.

I wish that what you are saying and others have told me too that once they sperated they figured it was the wrong choice could be possible, but given what I have found out in the last 24 hours, I would have to say NO.

I just don't see any good ending thru this and now I realize I really don't have anyone. One person I was confiding in and thought was my friend, it turns out has been lying to me and I actually have proof with those cell phone bills, calls and texts. H is all I have in this area, except for his family and now that is gone too. I have one friend I have been talking to and this morning I called her and told her about my A (all she has known to this point is how bad things are with H and I), and you know what she didn't turn her back on me, she told me we all make mistakes and what H is doing now is wrong. She said she will always be there for me, so maybe I will have one person to support me.

I told my counselor this morning that I am sick of being sick, not eating and yes even losing all the weight I have been (because I know how unhealthy it is), right now I don't think I am doing my kids any good and I have always prided myself on putting my kids first. What the counselor told me to do this morning, makes sense and I actually had hope because it seemed she had a little to but now, I just don't know.

Trust me I wish that right now there could be space between H and I right now, time apart but just last night H told me if I can't take it I could leave. He also knows that is impossible because of DS (DS is from my first M and I would never leave him with H). I am lost and don't know what to do. I will talk to you later, thanks for caring.

DAF