DAF101a
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| Tue, 11-16-2004 - 5:08pm |
Dear Daf,
Again I am so sorry you have to go thru so much. I read thru the other post, and like the others its hard for me to stay objective when its obvious the kind of hurt you are being put thru. I realize when A's happen the spouse goes thru pain too.. But again like I said 2 wrongs never make a right, *MEN* can be so infuriating never want to face or deal with feelings and emotions and as women we lay it all on the line..
I do not agree that he doesnt have any feelings, he maybe be numb right now for fear of dealing with the ugly feelings he may have. But I can't feel bad for him for using them to hurt you more. He has to realize its ok for him to feel agree, mad,whatever he feels , but its not ok to bottle it up an use it to hurt you. You suffered enough admitting your mistake and wanting to move on.
I dont have any miracle answer on how to do it every one is different. I can tell you that when I realized I couldnt save my marriage ( I stayed for 2 year after I knew it was over) I was scared to death I had a 5 year old little boy, who would need his father, and I was going to be something I never wanted a single mom. I know you feel like he is your life and completes you, just look deep tho. My biggest decision came from my son. Children see what we never think they do an perceive more then we assume. We NEVER fought in front of our son.. But H came home one day an had one of his mad for no reason so I will treat everyone around me like crap days, an I just sat down an stared at the TV at that point my little boy walked up to me an put his arm around me an said 'Please dont get upset mommy, dad's just in one of those moods again" .. it broke my hear that some one so innocent was already alert to this situation. I decided then that no matter what, no matter how scared, or anything else I felt I was not going to let my child see this. He is my life, and I am my life, I could not be a good mom to him in my situation, an I could not be the woman I knew was in there, it just took me having to face that woman in the mirror an in my childs eyes to help me pull up the strength to face life..
I can only offer my prayers an any support you need when you need it. I beleive there is a very strong women inside you , she is hidden in a scared, unsure, and hurt persons shell at the moment. But I think once you find her again you will see you ARE strong enough to get thru this NO MATTER the outcome..
wishing you all the peace, love, an strength I can
HUGGS
KRM

KRM,
Thank you for thinking about me. I do understand what you are all saying that what H is doing to me is wrong, but you know I still love him and I can't let go. I want to believe that he still does have feelings, just right now he has buried them. Honestly I don't think he will ever show them. The point of the M counseling (and she has told both of us seperately and in the joint) is to figure out what went wrong so that it doesn't happen again, whether that be between the 2 of us or in new R's. I just don't think he gets it. It is like he has this prepared speech and that is what he tells me over and over and what he says in counseling. Then he turns it around and tells me, I don't understand but obviously the counselor does. Well if he would be honest with her I think it would make everything different.
I really don't think there is any miracle answer in this situation, I think that both of us are hurt, and now the kids as well as both of us are going to suffer. Ultimately it was what I did (the A) that caused everything to blow up but I am trying to come to grips with the fact that the A was only a symptom of our R and the problems. I understand that you would be scared, making the decision because of your son, I have BTDT but my son was 2 1/2 at the time and the D was my decision (totally different story, xH is in the military). I do realize that both my DS and DD know something is going on, but I think they are just too scared to ask. If anything DS would have a clue where this is headed because of his age, DD wouldn't because to her, she is the princess and everything in our lives revolves around her. She is the one I am most worried about.
You know I used to be strong and could handle anything I had to. I was always the one in control but the more I go thru counseling the more I see that H controlled much more than I did, regarding major decisions for the family and it has been that way since we have been together. H read what I had written out and gave to the counselor and his reaction, he doesn't believe that anything I wrote had anything to do with what happened, its all excuses. I told H last night that hurts because they are my feelings, they are what I have been feeling and experiencing, they are my thoughts and feelings about us and our past and he is dismissing all of it. Point to be taken up with the counselor tomorrow morning, I guess.
I am hoping that one day I find the strength to do something and figure out the next move. One day I won't cry myself thru the day and into the night, one day I will be able to laugh and smile again. Right now I am just trying to survive the hurt and pain and not show anything to my kids until we decide the right time and way to tell them.
Thanks for your support I really appreciate and depend on it.
DAF