A daily struggle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
A daily struggle
3
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:19pm
I don't post often, but some days I just feel the need to talk. It's amazing that I've just today realized that ending this A is a daily struggle. Just as an alcoholic, or drug addict has a daily struggle to stay clean and sober. Some days just breeze by, and I never give a second thought to the A, or xmm. Then other days I just seem to dwell on the whole relationship.

I've got all these questions. If he would just tell me the truth, I feel (don't know for sure) that I would heal so much faster.

I'm so thankful (honestly) that I'm not married to this man. From the outside looking in....seeing how the treats his W. She has endured a great deal, but she seems to be happy with the crap that he dishes out. When I step back and look at the situation, I feel so sorry for her. Every woman as a little girl dreams of her Prince Charming, and I don't think any of us dreamed of a lying, cheating, disrespectful person. He has lied to her just as much as he probably has lied to me. To this very day, he has moved back home, sleeping in the same bed with her, and trying every thing he can to have sex with me. There are days when I want to give in, and say lets do it. But, something inside of me just won't let me go that far.

I would feel so much better if I could understand what makes a person do that (lie, cheat). Well, I could ask myself......because I lied and cheated on my ex-husband. I was so miserable, and unhappy in my marriage. I didn't have the courage to just walk away. Although, my relationship with XMM started long before I met and married my ex-husband.

I know none of you can answer this question, but why would XMM continue to lie to me? Even when there is no relationship, nothing for him to loose (he alread lost it). All, we can do is speculate, only he can give me the answer I'm looking for. I have no respect for him as a person/man/father/or husband. I can't tell you how good it would feel for me to SEE the rug just pulled from under his feet. For him to end up with NOTHING. No relationship with me, no family, just NOTHING, because that is what he deserves.

Thanks for listening

SL

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:09pm
Hi SL,

How are you? I havent seen you in a while but I still lurk every once in a while. You are right. This is like a drug addiction. Everyday I struggle with my need for a fix. And it only gets worse if I get that fix!! I have had no physical contact with my om for 10 months now and only two months ago did I receive an e-mail from him. Once that e-mail was opened I responded and it snowballed from there!! I am now back to thinking about him and thinking that I NEED him.

What makes a person lie and cheat? You know that I can answer that because I am the big WS. I hate to diss my H because no one deserves what I've done to him but he played his part. His habitual lying, his not having any type of sex drive, basically acting like my room mate and failing to act like my partner in life. I kick myself everyday for not walking out the door when I knew that I was falling in love with OM (I knew before we even had IC). Now two long hard years have passed and I am still here struggling everyday with what I am doing. I guess I was a classic cake eater, but for me it was more about not dealing with fear than wanting to remain with my husband.

What makes your mm tick? I'm not sure, but I know that I never set out to hurt people. It would take a very sadistic person to say "hey I'm gonna have my spouse and use this other person for all they will allow." I can't imagine feelings not being involved no matter what "side" you are on. If he is one of these people, you are so much better off without him!!

Hang in there!!!!

Karry

Karry - - who is learning to embrace life on her own raising her miracle, Carley Paige

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:10pm
Hi SL!

I do agree with you, it's a daily struggle. After having and ending A, life will never ever be the same again. It's not not easy and most of the time it's painful. And you perfectly described it... A DAILY STRUGGLE!

I wish for all of us here, who's struggling, recovering and healing to somehow make our days brighter and happier as the days go by.

Hang in there! You're not alone!

Sweetie

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:10pm
Hiya SL,

Why did he lie to you in the first place? The answer to that is much the same as why he continues to lie. It might just get him what he wants.

Think about it, SL, honey. If at the outset he'd come clean and said "I am a serial cheater, I love my wife and the life we share together, but I'd really like to have regular sexual and emotional contact with you" - well you'd most likely have told him where he could go and precisely what he could do with himself while he was on his way!

Now, you are a challenge because you KNOW what he's like. He senses you are still vulnerable and if he catches you on the right day you just might take the bait yet again if he dangles the right carrot in front of your face. Unfortunately, the carrot is actually a rancid stinking vegetable but he's dressed it up nicely and squirted some cheap perfume on it to disguise the stench in hopes he can sap you of just that little bit more of your self-worth and self-esteem.

He really will get what's coming to him one day. Whether or not you'll be a witness to his downfall really won't matter because like me you'll discover after going through the pain barrier that you really are a hell of a lot stronger than you ever imagined.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Hugs,

Posie