Dammit. He called; I answered.
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| Fri, 10-15-2004 - 3:27pm |
I just didn't think it would be this soon. Background: a month since I last saw him and 2-1/2 weeks with NC. Since I last talked to him I caught him in an untruth not related to the A and have felt pretty disgusted by the whole idea of speaking to him. Was feeling pretty strong. Until...
My cell phone rang this morning and I was just finishing up another call on my office phone. So I didn't see the phone # and answered. And it was XMM. He was calling because he thought I had called him earlier (a likely story). I tried to stay factual and distant and I did a pretty good job. Talked a bit and I said goodbye. I did so well!
Until I called him right back. To tell him I was sorry for being a bitch on the phone (being a bitch is SO not like me in ANY situation). We talked some more. I said I didn't want to talk about the bad stuff, which we had been doing up until then, so I asked what was fun in his life (he works way too hard). He said there was nothing. I told him to take care of himself. Said goodbye. That was pretty much it.
This conversation didn't change the fact that we will not be getting together again. I don't want to do that. But it doesn't matter -- I feel like crap now!! Despite what most of you feel (and I also feel on some levelsXMM and I were almost like best friends--told each other everything--things we would never tell other people. And I am right back to missing him. I could tell he is pretty sad about everything in his life -- not only through his words today but through the tone of his voice. I feel so badly for him. And I am ticked off at myself for being sucked back in emotionally and feeling this way -- I don't want to care how he is doing! I don't want to know he is sad! I want to get on with my life!
And what really makes me angry is that at the end of the conversation I didn't say "Please do not call me again." I wish I could have a do-over.
I know that I am still going to be strong. I won't see him again. I just need a pep talk. Anyone have any words of wisdom for me this late on a Friday??
Meg

He did call my apartment the other day and not leave a message. My heart wishes he had...but my head says, "thank goodness" or I would've been tempted to call him back.
If you really want it to be over, don't worry about following up with a "don't call me" call. Just leave it where it is now. As many people here have said, there's no "closure" in an A, so prolonging the contact isn't going to give you any more comfort. All it will do is suck you back in.
It is so hard...I have been crying the past 2 days b/c of exMM's call...which only reinforces that if I actually TALKED to him, I would be setting myself back in my healing. And he's not worth it. We have no future...any further contact b/w us is a waste of time.
Not much help I know, but you did just fine, go easy on yourself and let it be something to steel your resolve of moving on with your life.
And you're also correct when you say "And he's not worth it." -- thanks!!
Meg
Ok, so he called. Ok, so you picked it up. Ok, so you didnt tell him not to call you ever again. Big deal. It could have been worse. You could have said
a) I miss you, I love you I am miserable w/o you
b) Lets just meet and forget this whole crazy notion of NC
c) I have been forced onto this crazy ivillage board...why dont you check it out here's my "post" name - see how miserable i really am w/o you
d) Will you have my baby?
e) Oh by the way did I tell you that I have a STD.
Ok, sorry I am obviously in a silly mood today. Really am just trying to lighten up the seriousness of this today. I am sure next week I will be crying out for HELP again from all of you.
BTW- I think you were fine w/ your conversation. Remember, we tend to overanalyse everything so keep it in perspective. One thing for sure...why is it we feel guilty when we feel we have been "bitchy". Who cares?? A little bitchy is good sometimes.
Its the weekend. Another day almost done. Think of some fun things to do to make you happy and feel good about YOU!!
xo!
Dipss
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
(much more than a simple LOL)
That is the funniest thing I have seen all week :-)
Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!
i feel ever so much better :-)
Meg
Sometimes a little laughter is the best medicine.
xo!
Dipss
Thanks for the much-needed levity!
Lily
Ok, I totally understand how unexpected contact can shake you up. You and I both got that today, and are both picking it apart. Let's make a deal, Meg...let's both shake it off and move on. Nothing earth-shattering was said during your call and you handled it well. You are still "Free from Him!" :) It was a little unexpected bump, that's all. I, too, thought up many brilliant things I SHOULD'VE said, but didn't. We can't change that. We can only move forward and set a plan for the next call, or unexpected visit. You did fine. I know he is sad, but you are not responsible for your happiness...only your own. I am very proud of you! :)
Lily
Amen! I felt guilty for a few minutes after my last call with exMM...but then I thought...after all he's done to me...he deserves it and I am not sorry I said those things!!
I just saw him online for the first time in a while. Gave me a bit of a jolt. But I didn't even insinuate I knew he was there, but of course we both know I saw him and he saw me. Its just weird thinking about him sitting on the other end of cyberspace and us both trying to ignore the other...life is just funny sometimes, eh?