Damn...why do I let this happen?
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| Tue, 12-07-2004 - 1:51pm |
So, we had very little contact lately..and today I see him online and said hello (having NC at all is not possible, as him and his wife are friends). I guess both of us need to know that we are missing each other just as bad..somehow makes it more tolerable I guess. Here's the actual conversation we had just moments ago. You tell me how I'm supposed to keep away from this man? My heart is breaking :(
HIM: and how are you beautiful?
ME: im doin ok
HIM: missing me any?
ME: badly
HIM: me toooooooooooo
ME: would you think otherwise?
HIM: no, just nice to know i guess
ME: i know, never doubt it.. don't ever think because you don't hear from me, that im not thinking of you
HIM: i just hope that .. or i think you are missing me as much as i am you and thinking of you constantly.. everything is a reminder.. yet there is no satisfaction of seeing you or hearing you or talking to you... endless misery.. emptiness...i so want to talk to you soo bad.. look at you..soak you in
ME: i want that, but then i'd want more
HIM: i sit in the living room in my pj's with my feet curled up and a blanket... that is not me
ME: not sure what to say to you anymore anyway... and i know if i talk to you too much, then i want to talk on the phone, then i want to see you, then it just goes back
...and the cycle starts again..dont want to keep putting either of us thru that over and over
HIM: this feeling will never go away...i know it...I miss you too much... i have alot of things in my life to compare this too and this seems the worse for me.. it is worse when we dont talk
Do you see what I mean? I stay away from the computer lately because I know the conversation turns to us, and how badly this hurts. We both realize how easy it would be to put this pain to rest if we just agree to see each other. But this is this way because this is what I thought was best. The circumstances involved in our relationship are very, very extraordinary..and it's those circumstances that had me choosing to let go of him. I felt I would be in less pain if I were to let go and get over him..then to go on and keep enduring these difficult, and almost impossible, circumstances that kept leaving me hurting beyond belief. I wish I could go into details, but it could likely identify me. I MISS HIM DAMMIT! :(

Pup:
I think most of us went through the slow agony of letting go, trying to be friends and then realizing it was just picking the scab off and delaying the inevitable. I'll tell you honestly, it's hard, it's horrible, it's sad, it's painful. I'd take sleeping pills at night at 8:30 pm to get to sleep in the hopes that another day would be gone and that it could speed up the time so that I wouldn't hurt so badly. And when it went to NC, I felt like it was harder than heroin addiction -- though I have no clue what getting off heroin would be like, but just that it would be hard. I'd cry all the time; grab the phone to call him. I still have times when I check my email for work (because I have to check it for work) and the lady saying "you have 2 new voice mails" reminds me of him because that would be how we'd communicate during the weekends. Or even now, my phone will ring and it'll show his area code (500 miles away from me and 4 states away) and there's part of me that will wonder (hope?) it's him. I wish I could explain it better -- it's not the painful, lonely feeling I had in the beginning. It's an every-now-and-then thing. A reminder of missing his friendship. I can live without the sex but I miss talking to him. Miss knowing about his life.
Once you go awhile and break up the habits - for us, it was him calling me each morning on his way to work - it'll get easier. Really, it does. And when I was first ending it, I didn't like the thought of it getting easier because that would mean he'd be out of my life and I'd be out of his...but it's a good thing and I see that now.
You're welcome to email me if you want to talk off-line.
I'm over here shaking my head in agreement with everything you said. Especially about breaking habits. That's what I've been doing for the past few weeks. I've broken so many of those habits already, and very proud of myself for sticking to my guns. I think it comforted us somewhat, to hear the other is having a tough time. I'm hoping that will get us through awhile longer, as we go longer and longer in between talking.
I hear many people on this board saying that they wish knew that their X was thinking of them and missing them, ..well I know, and he knows. I needed him to realize that because I wasn't online like I used to be, it's not because I'm off doing my thing without a thought of him.
And this part you said "I didn't like the thought of it getting easier because that would mean he'd be out of my life and I'd be out of his" How true. I think that why we keep that life-line of contact, being it ever so far and few between, just so we're not gone completely. And like I said, I will see him again, there's no getting around that..me and H are friends with him and his wife, and we also have many mutual friends. I had called an end to the A, meaning no private contact for me and him in between the time we see them as a couple.
Pup:
I don't know how you see him and his W...that would have killed me. You're awfully strong for getting thru that. It was hard enough hearing about his life with his wife -- and duh, he had a life with her!
I do understand the need to know he's hurting too. And it's a normal response. When xMM and I were still talking, I was going to his city for work and we had scheduled lunch and he left me a vmail at 5 am one day (and he never work up at 5 am) that said he couldn't do it...said "this has been hard on me emotionally and if I saw you, it would set me back and I just can't do that right now." And I needed to hear that from him. 1- the honesty that it was hard and 2 - why he couldn't see me - not just, I can't see you. He actually didn't go into work that day because he was worried that he'd cave and see me.
I don't have a problem with letting each other know that it's hard and that you're hurting. For me, it made the ending it easier (well, nothing about it was EASY but it made it more livable) because I knew it had to be over; I knew we weren't going to leave our lives, our kids, our friends, our families and one of us move 500 miles away; I knew that ending it was right but it hurt. And I needed to know that it hurt him too; needed to know that I was a meaningful part of his life just like he was a meaningful part of my life.
Hang in there!