Day 1?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Day 1?
6
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 8:09am

I had a brief conversation with MM yesterday. I did not bring myself to say do not contact me, so I know I have failed Step 1 so far. I did say that I wanted more than an affair and that was all he was capable of.

He left this morning for a week with his wife and grown daughter. I just listened to a message on my cell this morning (I had turned my phone off last night) and it said "I must already be out". Mind you, I was home with my 2 kids and NO husband - because I got the divorce so we could be together.

Why the abuse?? He does this all the time. He doesn't leave so I pull back or don't answer the phone and then I'm accused of basically cheating on him. Ironic.

I want to remind him that he is the one leaving on a jet plane and will soon be looking at an ocean that he said less than a few weeks ago he "couldn't wait to show me"

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 8:59am

Bodi,


I haven't written on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 9:29am

Bodhi,


Good for you in turning off your phone last night. Did you anticipate that he would call? The thing is, there really isn't anything to say, especially knowing he is off on vacation with his family for fun and frolick in the sun...without you. I was in the same position you are in right now when I made the decision to call it quits only I didn't snap until he was already on that jet plane to Vegas with his W. We had been together the afternoon before and my gut was telling me then that it would be the last time we would ever be

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 9:35am

You're right - it sounds insane and pathetic. My phone is back off, but I did text him and told him where I was last night (even though I know he doesn't have any right to know, and won't believe me anyway). I also said that my phone was off because I was sad that he will soon be looking at the ocean with his wife and that (get ready to throw up) I wished he wanted me to be the one on the plane sitting next to him.

I will keep looking at the situation from the "outside" - thank you - I think that will help a LOT.

I absolutely agree about my divorce being a good thing. My marriage was "OK". We never fought, we got along fine - but there was always something missing for me.

I need to get it through my head that you are right - this is an OPPORTUNITY, not the end of the world. I WANT to live an honest, open life. I have slowly shut down and closed myself off from almost everyone in my life.

I know I shouldn't have texted him this morning. I'm glad in retrospect that I at least wasn't accusatory - I stated a fact. I am sad he is leaving without me. But that was his choice and I have to be strong and not answer the phone if he calls or react to his hurtful messages (which I know will come - they always do when he loses control of the situation).

Thank you so much me-again. I'm honored that you posted for me after all these years :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 9:50am

Thanks for sharing your story Iddy :)

Wow - I feel like you have really lived my life. I did know he would call. And I knew that if my phone was off and if I didn't answer our house phone that he would not be a happy camper. There is a big part of me that is actually afraid of him because of how he acts when I rock his little boat.

I've dealt with the same things over the years that you have - trips for work, trips for kids, and the current "I just need a break and to get out of here and it's the only thing I can do". I've suffered through numerous family events, including 4 graduations and 2 weddings of his kids.

I printed your post, I've printed many things from the Healing Library and I will cherish this week he is away and look at it as an "easier" start to letting go. Not having him in the same state seems to help. Do you think I could ask him to move? ha ha.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 4:54pm

I keep having small waves of sadness and panic, but for the most part so far so good today. No more contact from him. Every time I start to feel sad, I get my head back to reality. I have realized that I have been very guilty of not seeing him for who he really is. I'll start to miss him but I'll force my next thought to be "why? he's on freaking vacation with his wife."

What is scaring me right now is "what now"? I don't want to be single. I don't want to be alone. I wanted everything we talked about and for him to move forward.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2009
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sat, 06-19-2010 - 5:44pm

Hi bodhi,

A few points to consider here. First of, being alone doesn't mean lonely and miserable. And I bet you'll feel better alone than with him.
Secondly, I know (we all know) how it feels to look back on years of your life spent in this so called relationship and to refuse to let go because you invested so much of yourself into it. It is very hard to see the reality of it all - yes, you were used, yes, he lied, yes, he made promises he never meant to keep, yes, you DID waste years of your life on a man who is unworthy of anything - and you left your marrriage to be with him but YEARS later you're still not with him and never will be, so it all was for nothing.

But much worse is holding on to it and keep investing out of fear to face the truth of it all. It is very sad, and what helps me to move past those sad feelings is the realization that most relationship don't work out period. That's just how it is, or we wouldn't have a 50% divorce rate. So being in a relationship where one of the partners is even not in a position to commit just shoots your chances down to zero, and it's time to get off the ride.

I hope you'll build up your resolve to end it for good by the time he'll come back from his vacation. Your two kids deserve to have happy mom.

xoxo
Gone

**Bloodied but unbowed**
**Bloodied but unbowed**