Day 1 again. . . . .
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Day 1 again. . . . .
| Thu, 10-08-2009 - 12:19pm |
With a heavy heart I must report; its DAY 1 again....
What makes us go back ?? I feel so sick right now I can't even post. I am so disappointed in myself.

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Hi HP,
It is hard going back to day one. I have made some mistakes in the NC area myself along the way. We all have stumbled at one point or another along the way.
I feel bad for you because I can relate to how you are feeling. However, today is a new day and you can't change what you did yesterday but you can change what you do today.
The key is to recognize what caused you to break NC. For me, I had to close my email account. Even if I did not answer his email's, I would still read them and I could not resist. I would also check my email daily to see if he had written and that was after the PA was long over with.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
You nailed it ... he is a temptation that for some reason I cannot wholeheartedly resist. I need to eliminate temptation.
He asked me last night; to just let him know if he should stop calling me; then he asked me if I wanted to see him more often .... I couldn't believe it ?? I honestly don't know if I even answered him - I was so caught up in the addiction; I made him well aware that I want it to end; but some of the conversation is a blur, I talked outloud all the way over there; contemplating how to approach the evening; as I knew talking wasn't on the agenda; but I felt I had to clear some air; and make him aware that I am trying to check out. Of course he didn't believe a word of it and my credibility with any reference to
Aww sweetie, don't beat yourself up.
Doubting,
I agree with the Sisterhood. If I didn't have this board and my good faithful Cheerleaders to help me along my way; I never would have known where to begin to start the End. I had no idea about No Contact ? I was completely clueless what NC meant for MONTHS while I read away and finally had to chime in and spill my guts - I haven't told a soul about any of this; its me and this board; I wouldn't even know how to tell a close friend or a sister, are you kidding me - I can't even explain ANY OF THIS TO MYSELF.
I do know; my fascination with AP began simply as that a fascination he was someone who I had never in a million years dreamed of drifting away with. I hated him the first time I met him; his debonair attitude; arrogance and complete aura were so unappealing and unattractive. The more we had to work together; the more I realized the first encouter was an act; and the more our project progressed; the kinder; sweeter; nicer; more affectionate he became; and because of my lack of spark at home; yet lack of effort as well; I kept drifting farther away from my H and closer and closer to the AP; when the project ended so did the A; but I guess, just temporarily until the next
HP,
I am proud of what you have learned and that you know what is most important in your heart. Go after that, and not the "moments" or memories with your xAP. Think of those hugs and kisses from your kids and the potential to really cross that finish line. You did 25 days before and you
Ok after a restless night sleep as he starred in my dreams; and I woke up wondering if it was another bad girl night; and it scared me so bad, I couldn't fall back to sleep; so I laid awake for several hours, making promises to myself.
I am not going to block his number; for the sake of this family; I know this has to stop; I can be diligent and ignore him I have before; he goes away; and reappears; its just a game; if I ignore the game; he will eventually go away for good; he is single remember ? The chase for a M woman is not that fun for a S guy.
I am devoting 100% of my energy to my marriage including making ammends with myself for my irrational behavior of the past three years; and fueling the fire that once burned and brought my H and I together in the first place.
I am going to Mass; I am turning to prayer; I am confessing my sins....
I am not looking back - I am starting over. Day 3 is much better than day 1 & 2; I know I can do this; thanks to all of you.
Enjoy your weekend ((Hugs)) HP
HP~
Glad to hear from you my friend....
Lynn - my friend : )
I don't have a plan; what did you do ?? I don't know what to do; if I just ignore my phone I thought that would be my plan; last night I purposely forgot it at the office; this weekend I am on call so it will be attached to my hip until Sunday 11 pm.
Are you just ignoring your xAP ?? I never thought of it that way "forbidden fruit" sorry but that makes me laugh; its
There is a Einstein quote that goes something like this:
You can not solve a problem with the same mind that created it.
Meaning...
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