... day 1 again! IM so weak
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| Sun, 11-29-2009 - 11:12pm |
I put myself in a hurtful position again. I am a smart woman with a lot of common sense but when it comes down to XAP I am a lost case. I swear I was doing ok for over a month. Didnt really keep track of exact dates. Just to give you an idea of my situation. My XAP has a LIGF and 2 children. One being a newborn. We were involved for 2 years. He was great (well attentive in many ways) but that all changed. Dont know if it was because I had given him mixed signals as I want to be with you and then I am teling him I don't. We have been through many NC spurts. Usually lasts for couple of months. What would trigger my emotions was him ignoring my messages. That happened all the time. But I still made myself available to him. HOW PATHETIC OF ME!!!
Well this time I was determined to break it for good as I am enduring too many sleepless nights. I would cry myself to sleep at night. I dont know what it is about this man.
I had a weak moment lastnight and I texted him. He did respond HOURS later. Today we messaged back and forth a bit. I was actually hoping to meet with him. Well what did he do? He ignored my advance towards him.
I feel lost and very upset. Please give me some insight. I feel I have lost all common sense in this situation.
Back to day 1 :(

New here and today marks 3 weeks of NC for me. So, I don't feel too qualified to give advice, BUT I can relate to feeling as if there no common sense when it comes to these men... and I use that term loosely as I'm figuring out as the fog lifts that mine is a scared little boy in a man's body :)
I'm learning that pretty much everyone here are strong, intelligent women who for a variety of very similar reasons went down a destructive road.
Well Lady, let me ask you, do you want this affair over or do you want us to tell you how to get OM to behave himself?
If you want the affair over, you must go NC full force.
Thank you so much for your responses. I do want it over so bad. It is the only way to go. In reality I am chasing a fantasy and real life is passing me by :(. I am so confused with it all. I know this will sound odd but I still want him (feeling) my head is telling me different of course. This man has disappointed me time and time again and I still want him UGH! I think what is difficult to handle is the rejection. Once upon a time he wanted me all the time and the tables have turned where I am the one wanting him and he seems so indifferent. Of course he doesnt say so. He will just avoid or ignore with when suited for him. It hurts me so bad. The hard part is thinking of all the "good" times. We talked ALL the time several times a day. All we would do is laugh. It was nice to share so much laughter with someone. On a physical level we were very much compatible. I crave him so!
I am committed to doing the right thing and that is to focus on me but it is very hard when your thoughts are about what ifs and use to's.
What does help is specific let downs and not to get to much into detail. We just spent most of the night together and it was a great night and all of a sudden he goes off to the corner to do some texting? I was so upset; again I dont know what that was all about but the timing was just not right. There was again another time when we got together; great night but next day I sent him a message "general" hey how are you? He ignored it all together. I felt so used :( Not to mention all other empty promises over the last 2 1/2 years.
Im rambling on here and thanks for listening. I need help on seeing this for what it is. Seem to have trouble doing so.
Hi :)
You say you can't handle the rejection.
I am so thankful for this board. Oh and Clarity I thought about your post and you are right... My membername was negative. Changed it and I am glad I did. I really do appreciate the support. I have been struggling with this for hmmmm a couple of years. I have to say that usually I am in so much pain where I cant focus on what is important to me. I am so consumed with him. But since I have been a member I dont feel so alone.
I still miss him very much. I miss his charm and sweet smile. Missing his voice and the silly jokes he would tell. Cant seem to get pass that. Need to ask... if anyone can relate here. I can't stop thinking if whether or not he is with someone else (OW) meaning. I know it sounds silly considering he already has a LIGF. He is successful and soooooo handsome. He has this exterior sweetness to him. I am so sure that someone else has scooped him up. He has also mentioned in the past how he has done those online chat things. So who knows? Now why is it that I am so upset with these thoughts? He wasnt available to start with. Silly dont you think? Had to say it. As silly and ridiculous as my question seems I just had to ask.