Day 1....Again
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Day 1....Again
| Sun, 10-04-2009 - 10:32am |
Ok. Blew it...after a strong week and a pretty good week of silence.
So I am at dinner with my younger son last night and I see xMM's number come across my phone. The hopeful/stupid part of me thinks, "Maybe he's out?? Maybe he's here??"--he lives out of state....But, as you can guess, I was wrong.
He starts by telling me that he loves me so very, very much and he wanted to tell me about his week. He is going into business with a former colleague and is going to quit the job that he really hates by the end of the year, maybe sooner. He is very excited and SO grateful that I answered and tells me so.He also says that he knows he can't

If you truly want the affair/relationship to end, then why bother with yet again another "ending" conversation? Why not simply say, "I am done, no more" ?
I suspect you feel the need to be nice to him. I understand that so much, btdt. I think the time has come for your life to be about you and his life to be his own. Do not worry about his new business venture. That is his life. I can imagine the chaos that would ensue if you were to work for him. Oh my gosh, the wife, the jealousy, the sneaking around, the lying. Do you really want that? And if there was to be a divorce, the financial issues that come with business ownership.
You seem like a caring, smart lady. Your xAP of course still wants you in his life, still wants a connection. But the relationship is a secret and carried on that way too. Do you still want to live that kind of life? I sense you don't and you are aching for a normal relationship. I know I'm rambling here, way too much coffee this morning!
Before the final ending of my affair, xAP and I tried the updating each other thing. Looking back, it was an attempt to stay in each other's lives. We both didn't want to lose contact with each other again. But I wanted out of the affair with a man who ended up not being who I thought he was. Anyway, all along I was also trying to end the affair without all the typical affair noise. I couldn't bear for him to think ill of me. I thought we could be friends, with a few email exchanges (long distance) every few months. But even with emails every few weeks, I quickly learned I was still expecting something from him and when he failed to deliver, I was hurt. You just can't be friends after you've crossed the line. You may not really want what I tried, but I'm just throwing that in as my experience of trying to end a 3 yr. affair with an old college sweetheart.
You do deserve the life you want. And you do deserve to live an honest and open life in the eyes of your children and those around you. Ending the affair and going NC in time, gives you back your self respect and dignity in heaps. Put you first, love yourself and your children and let xAP live his life. Best of luck. Keep us posted.
You must be frustrated and exhausted living Day 1 over and over...like that movie Groundhogs Day.
Thanks, I know. I know. And, good question...I want to say I'm ready to give up on it/him
http://guys-and-dolls.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2009-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&updated-max=2010-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-08%3A00&max-results=3
lofluv, that rake just hit you in the head again, huh! ;-)
honestly, go to the healing section and read that Zen post. The above link is to the site that 2006 found it on. Great site, not a lot posted though, but what's there reiterates what we say here.
Start loving yourself, forgive yourself and get your life back in order and live!!!
Thanks.
I did read that last week. And read it again a