day 1....help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
day 1....help!!
11
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:08am
well I just signed up today and I am in desperate need of help.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:30am

Rmab,


The acronyms are in the Healing Library. Have you read it yet? Scroll down to the bottom of the main forum to find it. There you will also find all the threads you need to help you deal with the pain of ending an A, what to expect, and how to move forward. I am very sorry you are in this pain, but from the sound of it, you've been there before. After 18 years of ongoing feelings and emotions tied to XMM,

   ~Iddy~ 


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:31am

rmab,


I am so glad you found this board. There many, many wise and experienced women who will be coming along shortly with more insight to share than I can right now. I just want to welcome you, assure you that you are not alone in your pain, and that through reading and posting, you will start to feel better.


For right now, please accept this big, warm cyber (((hug))). I wish I could give you more right now. Please read through the Healing Library at the bottom of this board. It is full of information that is going to be vital to you in helping you get through these first few, very dark days and weeks.


~alwayst2

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 11:49am

your right I need to face the truth and it was hard to read that comment from you but I know its the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:30pm

Dear RMAB,

Welcome to our amazing board & community. If you are committed to ending your A, then we can assist you in managing with the emotions to come. I am a little concerned that if he contacted you, you would jump at the opportunity to connect. Why the concern? Because he hasn't sent you an email and you're feelings about this. If you read the posts, you'll come to learn that such emails or 'fishing' attempts are nothing but hurtful to the healing process. They add confusion and pain to an already overwhelming level of hurt.

Haven't you had enough? How many more years, how many more moments, how far will you drag your family? I ask these questions of you as I ask them of myself. For every moment I have lost with my children, I pray to the universe I will one day forgive myself for. This A cost me my family, my dignity, my sense of self, friends, money, my H. What are you prepared to throw away?

Enough is enough RMAB! You have given so much of yourself. Time to give it back to yourself instead of tossing it to the wind. Take time to grieve ... we all did/do. But this grief will soon shift, from the loss of the A and xAP, to grieving who you thought you were. Then the work will begin. And all that work, well it's healing work. It isn't energy spent on some man who will just take and take until there is nothing left. Nope - you'll learn to give energy to yourself to restore you and your family. As the A gets further behind you, feelings for H will return. You'll tear up not at the loss of the A, but what the A (almost) cost you. You'll experience relief, courage, pride ...

Sorry if this is overwhelming. I guess I had more to say than I thought!

Welcome and please stay and read all you can,

((Hugs))

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 12:46pm
I know and your right I might falter if he contacts me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 1:14pm

a great source of strength and inspiration for me is Jane's blog the link is at the bottom of her posts - the secret life of jane. I went back to her first blog post and read everything she had written. In one of her most powerful posts, IMO, she shares coming to the realization that her xAP expected her to fail at NC - that he didn't think she had the strength to endure it, that it was only a matter of time and she would falter. My xAP thinks the same. I know he just thinks time will heal - I know because he has said this to me many times ... through fits of tears begging for NC, this is what he would say. So use that knowledge to regain your dignity - prove your xAP wrong. That you ARE strong enough, brave enough ... no matter how weak you feel right now, you have power. Use it. Use it to scrape yourself off the ground and get busy making a self-care plan for yourself.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 2:32pm
Thank you!!! for suggesting Janes blog!! OMG..its like she is reading my mind and is in my life!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2009
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 2:58pm

rmab,


Welcome to EAS, stay here, read, learn, and post!!! Posting is theraputic and you will recieve some priceless advice from many of the wise women here.


You are already seeing some light. An A is indeed an addiction. XMM feed our egos, emotional and physical needs. I never felt more wanted and desired than when I was with my XMM. But in the end, I never felt more worthless and discarded. The highs in the begining get you hooked and throughout the course of the A you are always holding on, hoping to feel that high again. But reality gets in the way and it takes more to feel that hig again. You become hypersensitive to every action, every word and the spiral down to the lowest of lows begins.


Keep in mind that in addition to being addicted, you are also very removed from your real life. Ive been there. Have you read your lovely children a book or put them to bed but were not really "there" because your mind is a million miles away thinking about XMM? I was still a parent to my kids during my 16 mth long A but I was only there in body, definately not in mind or spirit because I was thinking about XMM, either reanalyzing the days texts, emails or events or planning when I could see him again. Ill never get those moments back, I tossed them away for someone who I never even would have dated had I been single.


In order for us to remain close to XMM, we push our H's away, we pick fights with them, their faults become magnified and we make our marriages out to be worse than what they really are. There is no way to speed up the healing process but you WILL get there. Go easy on yourself, as there are so many things to heal all at once...your self esteem, self respect, losing someone you card about, returning to someone you pushed away, letting go of the passion. It aint easy sister but stand firm and if you need to lean, lean on us here.


You WILL make it through, day by day.


GMLB


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 3:17pm

Thank you and I think if I would have found this message board last August, I might not have fallen back in because I was definitely hurting and torn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2010
In reply to: rmab1998
Mon, 06-14-2010 - 5:06pm

rmab1998,


I'm so sorry for your pain. There has been so much great advise from the others that

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