Day 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Day 2
3
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 9:43am

I made it through yesterday. He didn't text me back or call me. I left my phone off all day, which helped a lot - but admit that I turned it on a couple times to see if I had any messages. When I re-read the text I sent him, it sounded so overly dramatic and pathetic.

When I read LF2s post on being called "disgusting", I could really relate. The last message from my AP when my cell was off Friday night and I didn't answer the house phone was "I must already be out." The previous day (after the bomb was dropped on me that he was going on vacation with his wife) when I told him I felt that all he was capable of was an affair and I wanted more, his reaction was "what were my options - have you already been talking to someone, etc." So while my AP never specifically called me names, he sure has made me feel disgusting and like I'm a cheater. My A has REEKED with hypocrisy.

Today will be hard, I lost my dad 10 years ago. He was only 54. I want my AP to be by my side. I want to make his day special. But he's on vacation - where he wants to be.

I did have a positive experience when I woke up this morning. I am a very early riser. Normally the first thing I do when I wake up is turn on my cell. I would be stressed if I slept until 7:00 because I would worry that he would think I was out late the night before (NEVER) if he tried to call me. When I woke up, I didn't even look at the clock. I secretly hoped it was 9:00 (ha - it was 6:35) but I felt a little peace that I didn't have to worry about getting up.

My cell is still off. It will be hard later, I'll have to turn it on because my kids will be gone. One minute at a time....

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 11:42am

Bodhi,


A great big warm comforting hug to you. (((bodhi2010))).


What a strong woman you are. You are taking the right steps for what you have already identified as a very trigger-filled, stressful day today. My deepest sympathies for the loss of your father. With today being Father's Day, it must feel like a double whammy.


My T advises me to just sit through my feelings and emotions when I am feeling vulnerable. Let the waves wash over you, but do not let them carry you away. Jane has the 48 hour rule--which I find extremely useful. Whenever you feel the urge to do something that you know is not really in your best interest, promise yourself that you will sit on it for 48 hours and if you still feel that way, go ahead. But you will find that if you sit on it for two days, that urge will have passed. This is one of the simplest, yet most effective tidbits of advice I've taken up.


Just keep posting here, sweetie. Read some really old posts that go back six months or so and see where some of us girls were way back then. I like to read the "history" and see that almost every recovery follows the same pattern. It makes me feel a little more "normal." LOL. What is really uplifting is reading the successes, starting with the absolute lows, the gaining wisdom points, the gaining strength, the "getting it" moments, and the points where the ladies here have finally made it over the hump and will not allow anything to interfere with their recovery and healing. It's the point they finally became stronger than their addiction.


Keep you phone on if you must, but don't torture youself by checking it. You'll hear it ring if your kids are calling you. You must start protecting yourself and your very fragile emotions. You can do it.


~alwayst2


Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Sun, 06-20-2010 - 1:58pm

Thanks Alwayst2. I really needed the hug :)

I'm trying to ride the waves. Thinking about your 48 hour rule is helping. It's strangely comforting to think that I can't reach out to him now, but maybe Tuesday. I don't do very well with the thought that we'll NEVER speak again.

I'll definitely keep reading and posting. I have to try to keep focusing on myself. It's very hard to not picture him right now on the beach, having dinner with his family, etc. I know he's not 100% happy, but I'm also sure he's not suffering like I am.

This might not be the healthiest thing to do, but I actually printed a photo of him and his wife that I had found online and I keep looking at it from time to time to remind myself that he's a married coward, not the wonderful man that I want!

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: bodhi2010
Mon, 06-21-2010 - 8:27am

Hi Bodhi-


Try not to think in terms of never and forever. That is too

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/