day 2 and home alone tonight
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| Fri, 01-22-2010 - 10:20pm |
First, thanks Iddy and empowerment1 for your messages yesterday. I am now on day 2 trying to hold it together. Well, I actually felt better today than yesterday. I said "I did the right thing" to myself about 100 times today. NO EXAGGERATION.
So it's Friday night and ironically I sit here alone at home while my soon to be ex husband is out on a date. Tables have turned. Yes, we still both live in the same house because we are selling the house and then splitting it all up...but that's an entirely different story.
But to be honest, I don't really care that DH is out on a date. I actually miss and mourn AP and the relationship I had with AP vs. missing my soon to be ex husband. Sadly, I don't miss my husband, just the comfort of having a committed relationship. BTW, He never knew I had an affair. Our marriage was in deep trouble years ago -- this is just a formality now but the A did provide some momentum for me, I think.
So yes, I'm thinking of therapy to get some help with why I would cling to a man who was so unavailable and living in a different city. Someone else posted on this board that they were also in a diff city from their AP and was having sex by text, etc and how even more ridiculous it made it. Yes, I can relate. I waited morning noon and night for my AP to send a few words my way to make me feel worthy and appreciated. How sad is that? I got really down when he stopped writing emails entirely on weekends and the last few weeks he didn't respond to chat messages and was never on to talk. And then bam he would get horny and want me to come to his city. And I did. On numerous occasions. I took off work for that man!
I have figured out that it was him getting the sex, getting what he wants, that led to him taking me for granted. Yes he was sweet and kind and he gave me things but now I see how accomodating I was for him. I should have made him come here and take some risk. He always said "on no sorry it's hard for me to do that. She'll suspect something," but he was ok that I took the risk before I was separated. And when things first started, before the sex had begun, he did come here, just because. One time, he drove all the way here, 2 hours, just to have lunch with me.
I kinda feel sick to my stomach now when I think about what I let happen. I also let it happen knowing he had a woman at home who had his children and they were waiting for him. I'm ashamed of myself. I kinda feel like a monster. Perhaps, that is what will get me through this new NC period and I'll finally feel human again when this subsides.
I think I am grateful this board is here and I am astonished by the similarities in our stories. Sometimes you think your A was so special, like nothing else but then you realize, no it was pretty much just like others' affairs and when you take the rose colored glasses off, it's all pretty ugly.

Hello,
You are not alone. I am here too. Day 5. Sitting in my bed, reading this board, feeling the mixture of feelings that you are: hurt, lonely, sickened by my actions & how I allowed myself to feel, hopeless that I will move past this, optimistic that I will continue to take whatever steps i need to move through this, confidence (that wavers at times).
Deep Sigh.
I hear you.
Fridays always felt hard. This one is the first NC. But you know,
it won't be the last, and it will get easier. I like the idea of looking back at pictures before this A started. I can see a totally different woman, not a perfect woman, but a really Lovely one.
J.
J.
I am Day 5 too...I am from Australia so our times will obviously be different, but wow...I can't believe the feelings that we have to deal with :(
Every minute feels like a constant 'fight' for so many different reasons, and I am sooo looking forward to feeling differently. This NC for me has to be absolutely final, as there's a huge chance that I will lose my DH if I break it. And I couldn't bear to hurt him anymore than I already have. Even though I have this awful horrible 'pull' towards my xMM. It's indescribable isn't it?
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know what you're feeling (even though our circumstances are probably very different) and if we can just draw from each others strength we can hopefully be talking here in 25 days being sooo proud of ourselves for reaching a whole month (just imagine that??)
Take care
Julia
I am on my first day of NC and I am in the UK so it is early morning here and I am already on the boards as my routine was always to text good morning to my xAP so I had to do something else to break the routine.
I think I am the poster you mentioned who said how ridiculous it was to have sex by text but that is mainly what we did and by phone as we lived 200 miles apart. Actually the whole stupid A was about 99.9% text and yes I know exactly what you mean about waiting for that text message, I am fed up of having my phone permanently on silent as god forbid if my DH heard how many times I got messages. By the end however I worked out the text ration was I was lucky if I got one back for every 10 I sent, and what is so sad is that is all I needed that one text.
You are not a monster, but again I know how you feel as though at the start my MM was the one who kept it going and talked me out of it when I tried to pull away by the end he must have tried to end it 5 times and each time I would talk him back round. As we were so far apart I really thought if I could have one last meeting it would be enough - but I know from these boards that this is not the case and I think he knew that too which is why he sent me a long text (how else would we communicate !) yesterday saying he wanted to meet but he couldn't, he felt too guilty and though he was sorry he knew he was doing the right thing. He has been married for nearly 20 years and has two teenage kids so I am not proud of how I have been pursuing him which is why yesterday I said enough was enough I had to let him go and hence why I am here now. They say an A is very rarely about the AP and more about the person having the A and I think that is true as the reality is when after about a month of first meeting my MM did come to see me (but only because he could combine it with business!) I have to say I had forgotten what he looked like and when he walked into the bar I thought no way ! He was as they say on these boards JAM and a short overweight one at that, not the adonis that his texts had created in my head. But then we talked and it was him and as we shared this guilty secret that was enough for the addiction to flourish. I only saw him physically once more in December and it was a fleeting lunchtime visit as he drove back home from a business meeting.
I had a bad night last night but a poster called Luvin helped alot as did reading these boards and realising what a narrow escape I have had there are women here who have been in As for years and are still managing to come out the other side. And I had to smile this morning when I read an article that a spurned mistress of one of Barack Obama's top advisors has exacted revenge by plastering details of their affair on giant billboard posters across the US after he went back to his wife after an 8 year affair ! She has even set up a website with all the sordid details and all the promises he made, anyone thinking of embarking on an A would be wise to check it out.
At least my A was only 8 months - in fact if you condense the time we actually spent together or on the phone talking and texting you could probably fit it in 24 hours ! So thats what I am going to remind myself if I get a weak moment today.
So I am off now to keep myself busy. I hope you have a better day today.
Movingon x x
Hi Jodi
I think you are absolutely right about looking at pictures pre-A. That's a good idea and I'm sure you were/are still a vibrant beautiful woman.
Thanks for your support.
take care and make it good day!
hi Movingon
Thanks for your message. It seems we have a lot in common with this situation. Congrats on ending it! It's hard for us but we will get through this! I must say, I am jealous you are in the UK. I want to get to London some time. I think I would love it.
It's kinda funny that you said that about your AP not really being the adonis you pictured in your head after all the texts because it was the same exact thing for me. My AP was short, balding but cute. As a matter of fact, I watched a movie "Living out Loud" last night and Danny devito sort of reminded me of him and I had a cry. I do happen to like shorter guys myself because I am petite but yeah, I prob wouldn't have noticed him in a crowd or at a party otherwise. But I did fall in love with his words, his personality, the music he shared with me, the poetry we shared. It started with email and then online chat and then texts and then phone calls and then he came here for a music festival last summer and I went to see him and he came here a few times. It felt real but now I know it was a drug and not a real relationship.
I do feel grateful that from start to finish it was only 9 months instead of years. I don't think I would be strong enough if this would continue for years.
Although he did take me for granted and his interest seemed to be waning, he was always kind to me. I still love him and I probably always will.
I hope you have a good day. Do something nice for yourself today.
-Julia