Day 2 of NC
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| Wed, 03-03-2004 - 10:47am |
At this point I don't ever want to try love again. I've had 2 failed marriages, and this affair. Once, I'm over this, I don't want to let myself love again. I think I could be alone the rest of my life.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, over the last 4 years I've packed on almost 50 lbs. I've lost my self-confidence. Ending this A has left me feeling so empty. There are times, that I think I'm trying to make to many changes to my life at once. It's to overwhelming.
When I started dating my ex-husband, it seems as though I just lost myself. I lost contact with my friends. I never had any money to do anything socially. For years I never even went to the movies. Now my social circle consist of, my best friend. I need to get back into the game. But I don't know how. I need to be active, sitting around wondering about xMM does me no good. I come to the board and post, sometimes I get a response, and sometimes not. During the first couple of days, I just need to talk to someone that can talk back, right then, just to get me through the moment. By this relationship being a secret, I don't have anyone to talk to.
I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I will be so happy when this all gets easier.

when we lose who we are it is hard to feel good about anything, especially ourselves. I think I went into a period I call my "Bag Lady Years" where I put on weight and hid behind big clothes. I look at pics and can't believe how old and frumpy I looked. I was suffering then, I allowed my H to control who I was and it skewed my thinking. I had very little self esteem and very little self worth.....
No wonder I had an A.
Well, let us speed up to today....I am a size 6 and I look great. I smile alot more. I am making new friends and I really like who I am. I don't let anyone make me feel bad about myself. I got rid of dead wood...the XOM, the friends that sapped me of all my energy or who weren't good friends.....I am starting to remember who I was back in the day of being single....When you regain your sense of self everything else falls into place.
You will love again....you know why? Because you are going to love yourself. No more hiding your dirty little secret of being someone's mistress. You can go out now and seize the day! You can be in a relationship with someone and shout it from the rooftops. Certainly it does not sound like you are ready for a relationship again...but you can start getting better by loving yourself.
You need a game plan. what steps do you want to take to feel better about yourself. Therapy to help you with these feelings of loss over XMM? Maybe a workout and diet plan to get rid of those 50 lbs? A new hobby? A new job? Volunteer work? You have alot more power then you know ......
you can do this.
Jazzdiva