Day 3... and counting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Day 3... and counting!
10
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:34am

Hey,

So let me get this out quick fast.. kind of like ripping the band aid off... I broke NC. It was not by phone or email etc. I saw him at a party. I didnt know he was going to be there so imagine what I felt like when I saw his A** there. OMG, I was melting inside. I had a few drinks as well and that DID NOT help. I was doing an AWESOME job on ignoring him and keeping busy with friends. Does he not make his way over to me? YES HE DID!!! I lost it inside. I fall for that smile everytime. Anyway, he asked to speak to me in private. I went out to the patio with him. We were talking BS petty stuff. Ok this is where it gets even worst. I went as far as telling him how I felt. I told him that I loved him. I never did that. Why would I do that??? Well this is the best part. We got interrupted and that was the last I have spoken to him. I still have him blocked on EVERYTHING so he has no way to communicate with me. But now I feel even worst. When I told him how I felt he seemed so indifferent. Confirmed that I was nothing to him. I just want to crawl under a rock.. I really dont think I will ever be happy again. Now I have a question. Is it addiction or LOVE or is it both? I never felt like this for anyone? I read a post from Bodhi about fantasy and RL and maybe it is just that.. I am in love with my fantasy man??? Talking about being confused!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 2:20am

LX3,


I'm sorry to know that one of my sisters exposed herself to toxic material again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:27am

NC didn't have to be broken because he was somewhere you did not expect him to be.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 8:42am

<<>>

When you said this Clarity, it made me think of our XAP's egos like a beach ball - we struggle so hard to blow it up and when we're done, we're left exhausted, deflated and tired. And the beach ball goes bouncing down the beach.

Livex - don't blow up that ball anymore :)

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 9:21am

LLL,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know it couldn't have been easy to admit your failure. What I think is important for all of us to remember, is that we are making choices to continue the hurt long past necessary. It always makes me wince a bit when I read early enders throwing temper tantrums because they can't go to places their xAPs are going to be. Not that this was you at all LLL, but I think that kinda thinking might have played into your decision to stay at the party.

Let's break down your evening:

1) You saw exAP and you stayed at the party anyway
2) You drank alcohol which is a big NO NO when confronted with said situation
3) You talked to him inside
4) You proceeded with him outside
5) You talked with him outside
6) You poured yourself out to him
7) My guess is that you stayed at the party hoping for another opportunity to finish the discussion.

You had at least 7 different opportunities to make a different choice.

Remember, this is about keeping yourself as safe as possible, removing yourself from the toxins when they seep in!

When we see we have choices, we take accountability for our own well-being and we protect ourselves with every single ounce of strength we have.

*** There is a lot of fog drifting onto this board lately. Remember maintaining NC isn't an invitation into some emotional self-harming club that requires its members to sit in misery ... it is an invitation to reclaim one's dignity and spirit post-affair. The time to reflect on why we made the choices we did. Sitting in a mental lala fantasy land and torturing oneself with thoughts of heart-felt reunions and life ever after is NOT moving forward and it is a form of engaging in your addiction.

Here's to better choices LLL. You will absolutely learn from this experience and I can't wait to hear what your insights will be.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 9:44am

>What I think is important for all of us to remember, is that we are making choices to continue the hurt long past necessary.<


This is sooooo on the money.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 11:10am

I do feel worst.. more so than ever! Good news is the pain has alleviated from sobbing like a child a few days ago and not being able to leave my bed to doing house chores today. I may even go for lunch with a friend. It is going to take more work than I thought. Ladies you are so right. I could have made the choice to leave and to admit I thought of my options when I saw him. I still chose to stay. I guess I am still in that hopeful stage. By saying that It doesn't mean I want to continue in this painful charade it means I just wanted... OH I DONT KNOW what I wanted. I am just so confused. I do know that whatever I did share with this man it is over and I just want my heart to follow. That is the hardest part for me. I will get past this. I just have to work at it. I guess thinking about it more and more... to answer my own question.. it is an addiction!! I suppose that fantasy I had created over the years became so very real to me. I read in the healing library lastnight about obsessive thinking and how to stop it. I got a few great pointers to help with my thought process.

Day 4.. today!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 12:46pm

Right on TU. Choices... we have them and we continue to make the wrong ones and get hurt over and over again.


You had 7 opportunities to make a different choice and you just walked head first right into the wall and are stunned to find yourself lying on the floor bleeding. I know, BTDT. I am so sorry this happened, but at the same time, glad that you have this opportunity to see how hurtful this is... maybe to see how effective NC is if you really adhere to it. NC is not a punishment. Remember, it is a gift. It will allow you to heal. I hope you are back in full self protection mode. If you are, you will move forward and get over this road block, which is what this was. Good luck to you.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 12:56pm

L to the 3rd,
It's really important that in addition to acknowledging the missed opportunities to make better choices, you also figure out what you were hoping to accomplish by making the ones you did. You said you didn't know what you wanted - but I think that it's just difficult for you to acknowledge that you do know. Now you need to list those motivations and confront them.

I'm really sorry you got yourself into this painful place and I'm pulling for you to make the self-corrections to get out of it quickly and completely. Thank you for posting your set back here, too, as it is a very poignant reminder to others.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:27pm
It was not easy to admit to my weakness to this JAM!!! OMG!! I kept saying over and over to myself..why..why.. WHY??? would I do that? Well I did it and I cant turn back the clock on this one. I dont want to feel that ever again EVER!!! Thank you for rooting for me! I am at that point where "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" I chose to give him my power of self and emotion, he didnt take it! I have to remember that! He has no power over me! I choose to give that to him! OMG this is going to be a tough challenge. But I will do it! I hate that I let him in so easily. Fantasy man needs to take a hike! Funny how powerful a thought could be. This Fantasy I have have him is destroying me. But they are my own thoughts that I created. I need to re-create new thoughts of JAM! And believe it! Oh boy oh boy!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2009
Thu, 07-29-2010 - 1:33pm

Sorry, LLL. That wall had to hurt like hell. Next time try using the door that says, "Exit" over it. ;-)


So, good for you making it to day 4. You have licked your wounds and now they can start healing again.


Some lessons in life are more painful than others, and I think you are now learning which ones you don't want to repeat. Hold that pretty head up high and keep moving fwd. What's done is done so no point in letting it fumble around in your head.


You did a good thing by bringing your faux paux here. This shows accountability which is very important

   ~Iddy~