Day 3 and I am alive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Day 3 and I am alive.
8
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 6:05pm

I looked back at my posts started Nov 11, for NC.

Took till now to string together 3 days, but here I am!!!

Thank you to everyone, this board saved me. I hurt like hell, but I am functioning, I even ate today!!!

Man, I hate Him right now!!! I am going between sad and angry now..... because I just want to punch him in the face right now...I'd need a chair (he's 6'4", I'm 5'3").

What else can I expect?? When does it get better??

Sorry for the outburst.

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 6:57pm

Hi Hope.
It comes and goes in waves.
Some days you are ok - you still think about him round the clock, but you are ok with things and can function fine - do stuff with friends etc...
then there are the bad days - and if you have been reading my posts - lord my emotions are up and down, side to side and everywhere. I can feel every emotion 100 each in one day at the twist of a dime.
I posted this horrible poem I found on another post - I will pull over and read it each time I start bawling while driving down the freeway - I will read it whenever I start to think - why why why....what if, should I, will he, does he.........
Its harsh - but its helped me get through the weekend - and after I saw him briefly before I bolted out my door yesterday - I read it in the car before I pulled out of the driveway...........I did not even cry.....I did not because I dont want to care that much about someone who does want to be with me in the right way......someone who is not mine and I am not his.

I go to therapy 2 times a week - I am starting CoDA (co dependents support group) on wednesday..........I want to be free of my obsession with him.........weird because that is all I will talk about in these sessions - but I will learn so much - and I will let go.....
It really helps - really.
I wish you strength and hope and happiness.........
Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:14pm
I NEED THE POEM!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 7:23pm

Its gut renching - but it works for me - Makes me really really unhappy about caring for someone who is not and was never really mine.
Hope it works for you.

Oh Ya: That anger thing - Its healing, really. I want to crack my lovely hand across is handsome face and see the pain in his eyes when he realizes my adoration of him is not what he remembers if/when he thinks of me. LOL - it feel better when you get mad than the days where you cry and cry.....HUGS to you.

Love Anna

The Other Woman

I'm the other woman in your man's life,
You are his girlfriend and I am his wife.
He takes you to bed in the dark of the night.
He walks me to church in the bright morning light.
He takes you to motels,
He makes me a home.
You show him your children,
I give him his own.
He'll call you his baby, sweetheart and dame.
He took me for life and gave me his name.
You go to strange places and he'll hold your hand.
Mine will be wearing a gold wedding band.
He'll take me to parties or a family affair.
You can bet your sweet life that you'll never be there.
Here's some advice that I think you should heed,
He'll never be there in your hour of need.
So get yourself a man of your own,
Or someday, Girl, you'll be all alone.
For when it comes to a choice for life,
It won't be his girfriend---
He'll choose ME--- his wife.

And he did.




Edited 11/29/2004 7:31 pm ET ET by annakarena
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 8:48pm

When does it get better? you ask?


As you look forward and live your life as you truly want it to be, I believe a metamorphosis occurs that sheds the old life and old ways of thinking, including any hating or blaming of those in your past, including your xMM.


Focus on going forward with new goals, act on them and leave the past in your closet.


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:21pm

I agree with AK - the emotions go in waves. One minute I feel fine, normal and happy, then suddenly for what seems to be no reason at all, I am hysterical crying. 5 minutes later I'm so angry I just want to kick him, HARD!!

I too have just started therapy and am hoping it will help the emotions to "stabalize". I actually listened to a CD xOM made for me tonight. The first song made me laugh and smile, but by the end of the CD (14 songs later) I was a hysterical mess. I figured the only way to push past the emotions is to deal with them, rather than "repressing" them (as my xOM said he does).

Anyway, I'm on day 10 of NC - longest we have ever gone. Just take it one day (or one hour, one minute) at a time :-).

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:27pm

Thanks everyone almost into day 4...

I just sent him an angry email responding to every stupid selfish thing he said to me in his last email 4 days ago...

Then I sent it only to MYSELF. Hooray, he doesn't deserve my breath...still NC!!!

I am going to cry myself to sleep now, and pray for world peace or something.

Good Night All

Hope

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:53pm

Hope

Sleep well you have earned it, you will survive and prosper.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2004
Mon, 11-29-2004 - 11:56pm

OMG I AM BAWLING HERE! THAT POEM WAS SOOOOOOOOO FREAKIN SAD BUT SOOOO TRUE!

It really got to me, especially because MM was NOT there during my moment(s) of need!!!

Man, I was all happy about this aversion therapy thing and now this poem just really got me in the freakin gut.

WHAT A GUT WRENCHING POEM.

I didn't like the harsh reality of it, but hey, reality is needed sometimes.

man oh man.

think i'll go read my aversion therapy emails a few hundred thousand more times.....

and use that technique from hope about sending me the emails that I wrote instead of him.... I've done it on occasion in the past, but not as much as i wish I had!!!

GREAT IDEA because after sending them to HIM, I always wait and wait and wait and wonder about his replies!!!!

I have to do that more often.