Day 4 Update...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Day 4 Update...
18
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 11:24am
Update on day 4 which now turns back into day one. He called me at work. I do not have caller ID on my private line here. He asked if I was doing alright and I said yes, but I do not want to resume contact. He also, in about one long breath, told me that his mother is ill and having surgery, his W asked him to move out, his hair is falling out in clumps and that he has a 2 hour therapy appointment today. I told him that I hope his mother will be alright and I cannot do anything about his other problems. They are not mine. I also told him to stop the hangup calls. He apologized for making them and promised he would not be contacting me again. He said if I want to resume contact to let him know. One of his last remarks to me was, "your victory". When will he ever realize that there is no winner or loser in these situations?

I wished him well and that was it. So, now back to square one. At least I hope the hangups will now stop.

Please don't chastise me too much. I feel good about that call and made it clear that we are over, period.

Another... to be continued.....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 12:13pm
No need to chastise you, you handled it perfectly.

Iknowitstime

(and so do you)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 1:07pm
Thank you! I just hope he does not take is as encouragement. Good thing is, no hangups today!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-04-2003 - 6:18pm
Now why would anyone chastise you? You did the right thing! It took alot of strength for you to tell him that you cannot help him with his problems...GOOD WORK!!!

I got one missed call today. I know its him. i don't know what it is supposed to symbolize...hello? call back? i'm sorry? who knows.

Your XMM sounds like he has a crapload of problems but atleast he is in therapy....good sign.....

I'm proud of you!

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 5:20am
Thank you for the support (again). Starting day one again. He did email me several times after the call and I had one hangup at home. Maybe there is light at the end of this tunnel!

Your words have been so encouraging. I also hope the best for you in your struggles....

I just want this nightmare to end and I want to live and breathe again.....

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 9:46am
Tired...

I know what you mean about breathing again. I would just be happy not to think about him...its like he has invaded my thoughts and that is my personal prison. Keeping busy is not the answer, because I could be in the middle of Grand Central Station and still have him on my mind...I just keep reminding myself that I will be strong again,,,I will have a somewhat normal life again....my children need a mother that has her crap together...if i married OM i would have led a life of misery and misfortune.

its going to happen tired....it just takes work.....

HUGS

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 11:47am
He is in my thoughts 24/7. Even with all of the ups and downs, mostly downs for the past few months. One thing I told him when I answered his call yesterday was that I need to be a 100% mom. I have a son who is a senior in high school and keeping him on the right track has taken so much of my time and energy lately. He has two older brothers, but he is the only one living with me right now. He has serious issues with his father and I have been trying to get him through that. I feel terrible sometimes because I let the issues with mm take so much of my thoughts that I found myself setting my son and his needs aside. No more.

It is a lot of work and mm thinks that, since I answered his call yesterday, we are back on track with communicating. He has sent me several emails which I have not answered. I will admit, I read them, but deleted them. I told him yesterday, no contact and that meant calls, emails and messenger messages. My next move is to block him and I am considering that.

Why has it been so hard to just do the right thing? What hold do they have over us? How did we as strong, independent women (or men, if it is applicable) get sucked into this? I have analyzed this so much and I want to just be able to stop thinking about it, even for a few minutes.

And yes, breathe.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:02pm
Why would anyone chastise you for doing the right thing?!?!?! You did an awesome job and you should feel better then good about your actions because you know you did the right thing and hopefully, his 2 hour therapy session will make him understand that he needs to let go.

Glad he apologized for the hang up calls but I have a feeling his promises are empty which means he'll do it again and you will need to keep being strong.

I know this is not easy for you and when the time does come that he no longer contacts you, you will go through another set of emotions....when that happens, please keep in mind that you are doing what is best because the saying about if it's meant to be it will be is very true and therefore, if a relationship is meant to be an above board one, it will happen and if it doesn't, well it was never meant to be.

I truly admire your strength and courage...it took me a very long time to stop buying into xMM's guilt trips. Once I did, I realized that life is much more peaceful.

Stay strong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 12:24pm
Tired, you certainly hit the nail on the head when you said...............

Why has it been so hard to just do the right thing? What hold do they have over us? How did we as strong, independent women (or men, if it is applicable) get sucked into this? I have analyzed this so much and I want to just be able to stop thinking about it, even for a few minutes.

I ended my 5 year A because it truly was killing me, I just couldn't deal with it another day! I realized it will never go anywhere! I couldn't deal with the secrecy, the lies! I finally hit bottom! The amazing thing was reading xMM's last email to me in which he said that to him, in recent months, I've become stronger from the woman he first met. HUH???

It's funny, I thought he knew me so well. I thought he was SEEING that during the past 6 months I was withdrawing because I realized our relationship was making me sink deeper and deeper into a dark blindness...he didn't see any of it! Now, I know he'll never understand that what attracted him to me was my strength and independence which are the two things I lost during the past 5 years because being involved in the A made me a total wimp that was 100% dependent on him controlling my every mood and emotion!

Like you, I too put my children and friends on the back burner and even though I can't rewrite history, I do have the rest of my life to make it up to them! Since ending the A, my children have told me that I'm more fun to be with because I actually (1) make time for them and (2) love doing things with them. Our children's perceptions are amazing!

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 2:29pm
Caring...

that was a really interesting post....although we like to think that we are giving our children our all, when we are in a tumultuous affair it really saps us of all our energy without us even realizing it. Also, when we are depressed kids pick that up like a magnet....no matter how badly we try and hide it.

Sad thing is that even though OM is out of my life I don't feel very energetic...LOL...but I am sure it will come in time. Not eating has not helped.

And what else is interesting is how we are strong and independent minded yet we get wrapped up with someone and lose all that. I was becoming very clingy and insecure towards the end of the A, and I hated being like that. He drove me to the brink of madness with his lies and his manipulation. I am not a stupid woman, yet I allowed him to play me like a well tuned violin. It wasnt a healthy relationship, thus i became very unhealthy.

thanks for your input.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Fri, 12-05-2003 - 4:24pm
I had started withdrawing from the mm when I started seeing the single one. But for some godforsaken reason, could not let the mm go. Now, I just get home from work and a large package has arrived from the mm. Do I open it? Dare I? He sent this after I told him, no more. Why can't he just stop and leave me alone? What will it take? I know his address in the other state, do I send it back? Why should I have to pay postage to return it? He, of course, put my address as the return so I cannot just return it saying refused.

My energy was totally drained by this man. I was not sleeping and, unfortunately, I am a stress eater. I gained back 40 of 70 pounds I had lost prior to meeting him!

I wish someone would smack some sense into me (not really smack you know). I want to stop my heart from leading me and let my brain.

Geez, I wish this was OVER!

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