Day 5 - is 'glorfying' normal?
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Day 5 - is 'glorfying' normal?
| Sun, 09-12-2010 - 6:40am |
Hi
So its Day 5. I feel definately less teary (ie not crying - thank God- saying I was hormonal and had an eye allergy to new make up was only getting me so far).

I don't think that there is a person here, who doesn't understand.
For some, it comes at five days, others it comes at five weeks.
Just accept it as something that you have no control of.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Some of us are just slower at gaining a reality check than others. Put me in the latter group. ;-)
RBM.......“Everything works out in the end.
We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.
Hi Igs,
I think we can firmly assume that NC is an absolute expert at glorifying her xAP. All i can say is that whilst
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
igs,
i think that idealizing and romanticizing our xap's, especially early in ending, is not merely "normal", but an ingrained darn bad habit. it was certainly a habit--read addiction--that made my early road to recovery a harsh and bumpy one.
the way i see it is this. an affair is an escape from real life. when we are trying to break our A addiction, it is difficult, painful, and stressful. though we are finally choosing ourselves, learning to be alive and present in our real lives and are learning healthier ways to cope in general, the affair beckons us as an "escape" still because it was a toxic--but comfortable-- coping mechanism from our pasts.
you are on day five. congratulations and big hugs to you if you are awake, alert, upright and dressed! we all know the absolute devastation of the first days. some of us slow learners just KNEW that the vets couldn't be talking about US when they said it would get better. i, lillie, thought i would pine away forever, lost and miserable in the prison i had created for myself. guess what? the vets were right. it DOES get better, igs--it really does. it takes time, though, igs---and time means patience. if you don't have it, you will learn to cultivate it. and EAS is here to support you while you do it.
i remember people telling me to take it one day at a time when at first i was struggling to hold on five minutes at a time--and i'm really not exaggerating when i say that. i ended my A and reclaimed my life in February of this year.
so many amazing women--and men--share their journeys and lift one another up around here. a watershed moment for me was Bodhi's post entitled "XAP: fantasy vs reality". i have copied it for you below. her strength and clarity inspired me to make my very own 'fantasy vs. reality' list that helps to yank me out of LaLa Land and back into reality when i start waxing romantic about xap.
i know there has been a little brouhaha recently about the whole concept of xaps' shortcomings on the mean but hilarious "Litany of Offenses" thread----but to me there has been no better way to knock xap off his pedestal, white horse, cherry on the sundae, whatever. i have learned this---what romanticizing xap really is is a lie to myself, and i am getting better and better and better at treating myself with honesty, dignity and respect.
congratulations on day 5--or is it 6 now? you ARE getting stronger.
best,
lillie
silence is eloquent, silence is dignified, silence is heard. ...
discussion title:
XAP: fantasy vs. reality
message #: 29211.1
from: bodhi2010
date: Jul-28 11:06 pm
Fantasy: Single
Reality: Married
Fantasy: Kind, caring and selfless
Reality: Mean, cold and selfish
Fantasy: Healthy and nurturing
Reality: Unhealthy, toxic and controlling
Fantasy: Always there for me
Reality: Never there for me
Fantasy: Puts me first
Reality: Put me after family, work, golf...
Fantasy: Spends all his time with me
Reality: Squeezed me in, when it suited him
Fantasy: Tells the world about our relationship
Reality: Hidden in the darkness, no one knows
Fantasy: Good looking and fit
Reality: Looks old and tired, gained 40 lbs.
Fantasy: Treats me like a queen
Reality: Treated me horribly
Fantasy: Fulfilling intimate life
Reality: Sex on the floor, when it suited him
Fantasy: Wonderful communication
Reality: No communication
Fantasy: Makes me feel good about life and myself
Reality: Made me feel lower than I've ever felt
Fantasy: We live happily ever after
Reality: Everything I thought I had with XAP was a fantasy.
How I let myself be fooled for so long, I don't know. I guess I can survive a long time on crumbs. My feelings are all over the place, but I'm really glad I'm here. I'm not compromising what I want and deserve ever again.
Bodhi
NC - I love, love the your creative writing - it always paints such a vivid picture in my mind - thank you :)
Iggy - glorifying the XAP is something we all struggle with. When you step away from them they suddenly begin to walk on water! They are wonderful, thoughtful, caring, loving - but it's the addiction talking. Do what I do, every time you think about something you perceive as wonderful, counteract it with something real.
The Hollywood version - good one, BTW - doesn't exist. Hell, mine was Matt Damon, Don Draper, Paul Newman and Gandalf the White (riding in on his white horse to save the day) all wrapped up in one! But at the end of the day, they all go into the make-up trailer and wash their face.
Like NC said, the more the fog clears, the more you will see that they are simply the man behind the curtain in Oz - nothing special.
Bodhi
Lillie :)
Thanks for copying the thread - I'm glad it helped. Seeing it in black and white is the slap in the face we need. I still add to mine when fantasy tries to sneak back in.
Bodhi
Edited 9/12/2010 9:54 am ET by bodhi2010
Hello I'm Getting Stronger,
First, while you should be so so proud of yourself for 5 days NC, I want to say that you are very early on your road to recovery and you have a lot of obstacles in your way, so please keep posting here and reading here, as you will see yourself in many of the posts and that will help you understand that you are going through a process. This healing process is a process, and sometimes a long one.
Second, I think we've all done this. New Season is the one who called me to the mat about it. She told me to stop putting xap on a pedestal and that is what I was doing. I was so used to living in the fantasy, that even months after ending my A, it was hard to live in reality. So I practiced. I forced myself to be real about how things were inside the A. I asked myself questions when I put him on that pedestal and those questions helped me to see things through the harsh lens of reality. That helped a lot.
This is definitely a normal phase in the process- and an ongoing phase if you ask me. Once I start to feel good, I find myself romanticizing things again and I have to give myself a wake up call. I'd suggest that you make a list of how things really were. For me, I had a list that included things like: When I left my husband, xap shut down and was not there for me. When I asked him what the future held, he never had an answer. I had to beg him to see me on more than one occasion. Just these little things added up to big heartache. The reality for me is that though he said he "loved" me, he was never there for me. And that is what I reminded myself of when i found that I had put him back on that pedestal.
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hello,
I so agree that this patten of glorifying the xAP and the affair is 'normal'; although very counter-productive unless one recognizes, as you do, that it is part of the fog and not reality. I find posters usually start glorifying the affair partner when: 1) they have had a fight with their significant other and are craving a quick fix; 2) they are tired of working at re-framing their affair and want to believe that their affair partner/affair was oh so different; and 3) any and all times that require the poster to sit in the muck that has become their present day reality. Meaning, most times we crave the affair and start thinking about all those good qualities, are the times when we want an escape. BTDT. I let my mind wander to all the care-free feelings I got when in my affair bubble with my affair partner. Yes - who wouldn't LOVE and CRAVE a space that was full of ego stroking and indulgence? Who wouldn't want to check out of reality and into lala land? Once I started to make a list of all the hurtful moments, those actual incidents that took place where I thought I could be hurt no further, how I viewed my xAP really started to change. His physical attractiveness faded behind the ugliness of who he was on the inside. Once I stopped looking away from those things he did/said that made my skin crawl, he wasn't at all who I was constructing him to be in my fantasy.
At the very least, no matter how well we were treated in the affair bubble, no matter how lovely and caring we were to one another, NONE of that would be possible if we weren't at the very least encouraging one another to lie, cheat, manipulate, and crazy-make the other people in their life who loved them - including their children and wives. There is nothing to glorify about someone being able to carry all of this off.
And day 5 - you are rocking it! Please keep posting. Any and all things that you are feeling, you can be sure some of us here have felt. It is so important to know that you are not alone.
TU.
LC/NC since April 14, 2010
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi all- and hello Jane- nice to meet you :)
I failed NC today- its all in another post. I just wanted to thank you all for responding. I'll use your very very insightful posts to push me on - tomorrow is a new day.
Iggyx