Day 5 NC and feeling angry.
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Day 5 NC and feeling angry.
| Tue, 05-24-2011 - 5:34am |
Just as title line says. I thought I was doing ok today but then just out of nowhere it hit me. I play over things in my head. I feel angry that I have done this to my family. And I feel angry that he just gets to walk away and move on with his life with no one the wiser, while I have to pick up the peices of mine. And then I feel angry at myself for feeling that way because I wouldn't want him to lose his family. He was never horrible to me, he didn't make me feel I was an emotional looney even thought towards the end of the A I was such a pia. So why am I so angry at him? And why can't I pour that energy into moving forward so I can go home to my family sooner. I am so over this rollercoaster. Just needed to rant.

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No need to apologize for being angry. I don't know all the details of your story, but it sounds like I can empathize with your circumstances. I had d-day and struggles with my family knowing. exAP had no d-day and I imagine has continued on with his life none the wiser. (but I'm NC so it doesnt matter). xAP was also nice guy and while I feel I have little to be mad at him about I also experienced anger for various things. But IMO don't feel bad for being angry. Its just that a feeling, like the others that are going to come and go. And as I see it all the emotions can help us see different things to work on about ourselves. It does stink that he doesn't have to face the same consequences for the choices he was culpable for, but you are doing the right thing getting out of this.
Anger, properly channeled, can be a big motivator.
I see you posted this 10 hours ago; and because I know how our emotions are all over the place and come and go, maybe some of your anger has passed by now.
As the others have said the most important thing is to channel your anger as a motivator for positive growth. Don't become mired in it or do anything impulsive that you will regret.
Like all these stages, it will pass and then appear again and eventually you will be free.
Hugs
Kat
Thankyou for your replies. I have woken up this morning just feeling sad now. I can't stay angry at anyone for very long except myself. So today is the start of day 6 NC and once again the rollercoaster begins.
I don't want to hold on to my anger so if it comes and it does help with the healing process, I will just accept it and wait for it to pass like all the other emotions. I am just so tired of it all. Since I began the A nearly six months ago, I have lost so much weight and my hair is falling out without showing any signs of stopping. I have lived with knots in my stomach from guilt during the A and now from the ending of it. And I miss him.
As for revenge, no matter how angry I get, I could never destroy their family. Apart from the xap, his fiance doesn't deserve it. She is a lot younger then him and has stood by him through some stupid choices he has made and I couldn't destroy her world. That was one of the last thoughts going through my head last night as I fell asleep. I wish I had thought of that more though before I got involved with someone who belonged to someone else.
My H also has no desire to break up their family. He is hurt and angry with the xap but thankfully wants nothing to do with him, not even to send off an email. H just wants me to sort myself out.
So, a new day begins. Determination is still well in force that I will get through this and I won't contact no matter what emotions are going through me at the time.
Much love
theyellowone xx
"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~
I get anger...as I'm in the midst of my "anger phase" of all of this.
((((Hugs)))) to you. This is a sucky process...the healing after an A has so many stages and yes, anger is a big part of that. Remembering the healthy ways to deal with the anger and to not hold fast to it is of extreme importance to you, to your H and especially for the healing of your M. Was your D-Day recent? I am not familiar with your story since I only lurk here on Fridays and occasionally post then too.
I have also had a D-Day...just over 3 months ago. This healing stuff is painful, but it sure helps me to finally be set free of the deception and to be completely honest with my H.
Hang in there. Each day that you push forward and leave the past where it belongs is a good feeling. Ups and downs are sure to come, but the important part is - you are FREE of the A trap.
Here's to a healthier you,
Hearts <3
Thankyou again for all your replies. Theyellowone I think my hairloss is slowing down but I reckon I've lost a third of it since this started. bfn2011 - I definitely get the anger or intense sadness. The last two days have been intense sadness. I am nearing the end of day 10 and it feels in some way it is getting harder. I have spent the day in the family home today (I live somewhere else at the moment) and it has been nice. I have cleaned and am about to cook dinner for them and it has made me feel a little bit like myself again. I feel sad but not as much for the xap but more for what I am missing out on by not being here with my family.
Threapy was interesting this week. We are slowly getting to the core of things and the pattern that has emerged throughout my life from a young child, is the need to be acknowledged and accepted for who I am. Surprisingly the sexual abuse I endured as a young child is only one part of that. There were other things that have contributed to my lack of feeling worthy as a person too. I was quite stunned when I started to examine my childhood and realised my desire to have people like me and want me around has always been a big part of what drives me. So imagine when an old school friend comes along and answers my emails almost straight away. One line stands out in my memory, he wrote - Please tell me you have tuesdays off too, so we can continue messaging. Wow did that suck me in. Somebody was desperately wanting me to converse with them. They were giving me their full attention and it was after that email, I handed over my emotions and started the downward spiral into the A.
Anyway, I will continue to soldier on. I heard a song this week, that I have heard many times and not paid attention to it. It is from the movie spirit. The first part of the song is quite depressing and was exactly how I was feeling but then the next part just lifted me and has helped me this week, when I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. Here are the lyrics and the link.
Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I've got nothing left - just an empty heart
I'm a soldier - wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me - lead me away...
Or leave me lying here
Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There 's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will - stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on
Then from on high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls - remember who you are
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are
Ya you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more...
Ya that's worth fighting for
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1Pz6Wlli2c
**BIG hugs**
Mau
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