Day One of Attempt # I lost count...
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|Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:02pm|
I've been asked to introduce myself after deciding (or building up the courage, rather) to "pop-in" on another post. I'm not yet familiar with all the acronyms used on this board. Has anyone created a glossary yet? My head is spinning trying to keep track.
I find it comical that Clarity asked me for a nickname given my username doesn't exactly roll of the tongue...or keyboard.
Lethobenthos is a made-up word - pulled from the made-up online Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. It resonated with me because part of the made-up definition states: "making you wish your day would begin with a "previously on" recap of your life's various plot arcs, and end with "to be continued..." after those will-they-won't-they cliffhanger episodes that air just before the show goes into months of repeats."
And that is exactly what my life has been for the past year. Months of repeats - repeat "goodbyes" repeat "hello again, i missed you", recycled words, tears and pain. I'm exhausted.
A little background on myself - I have been married five years and have the most incredible daughter. My marriage has never been quite perfect, and we went through a couple tumultuous years after the birth of our daughter, but we are both good, loving people who have built a life together through hard work and commitment.
A year after my daughter was born (after the baby weight was gone and my confidence was up) I started a new job and bonded with a male coworker. We established a year-long work friendship that eventually turned into a year-long whirlwind of an A (is that the right code work for the word we do not mention?). Throughout this time we've declared our love for each other, talked about wanting to be together, but never doing what it takes to make that happen. After a while, it became apparent that while I was willing to leave my husband for him, he was not willing to leave his wife and daughters for me. He would say that without his daughters he would not be the same man I grew to love and we would end up resenting one another for that.
So today was another good bye. Today I want it to stick. I've asked him not to contact me again. I even went so far to try to get him to admit that he doesn't love me enough to give me something real, which he refused to say. It's painful, but I'm going into this with resoluteness, a bit of anger and frustration, and exhaustion - hopefully the right ingredients in order to finally move on. With that said, I'm looking forward to the support from this Board. Maybe that's what I've needed all along.
You can call me LethoGirl.