Day One of Attempt # I lost count...

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Day One of Attempt # I lost count...
14
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:02pm

I've been asked to introduce myself after deciding (or building up the courage, rather) to "pop-in" on another post. I'm not yet familiar with all the acronyms used on this board. Has anyone created a glossary yet? My head is spinning trying to keep track.

 I find it comical that Clarity asked me for a nickname given my username doesn't exactly roll of the tongue...or keyboard.

Lethobenthos is a made-up word - pulled from the made-up online Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. It resonated with me because part of the made-up definition states: "making you wish your day would begin with a "previously on" recap of your life's various plot arcs, and end with "to be continued..." after those will-they-won't-they cliffhanger episodes that air just  before the show goes into months of repeats."

And that is exactly what my life has been for the past year.  Months of repeats - repeat "goodbyes" repeat "hello again, i missed you", recycled words, tears and pain.  I'm exhausted. 

A little background on myself - I have been married five years and have the most incredible daughter. My marriage has never been quite perfect, and we went through a couple tumultuous years after the birth of our daughter, but we are both good, loving people who have built a life together through hard work and commitment. 

A year after my daughter was born (after the baby weight was gone and my confidence was up) I started a new job and bonded with a male coworker.  We established a year-long work friendship that eventually turned into a year-long whirlwind of an A (is that the right code work for the word we do not mention?). Throughout this time we've declared our love for each other, talked about wanting to be together, but never doing what it takes to make that happen. After a while, it became apparent that while I was willing to leave my husband for him, he was not willing to leave his wife and daughters for me. He would say that without his daughters he would not be the same man I grew to love and we would end up resenting one another for that.

So today was another good bye.  Today I want it to stick. I've asked him not to contact me again. I even went so far to try to get him to admit that he doesn't love me enough to give me something real, which he refused to say.  It's painful, but I'm going into this with resoluteness, a bit of anger and frustration, and exhaustion - hopefully the right ingredients in order to finally move on.  With that said, I'm looking forward to the support from this Board.  Maybe that's what I've needed all along.

You can call me LethoGirl.   

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:15pm
Well done Lethogirl and welcome! ( Why do I feel I now have a lisp?) Yes you are in the right place and it sounds like you have created a glossary already for yourself as far as what was wrong in A-land. Your recipe for real success does include the ingredients you mentioned and we are here in case the fire alarm goes off! I don't know if "affair" is really an unmentionable, A just saves typing and it goes so well with -hole.

Keep posting and I am glad you are on your way.

Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 3:45pm

Glad you posted in LethoGirl and thanks for the nickname and sharing your story.

Now that you have give him an official goodbye, what have you done to protect yourself from any fishing attempts by him or fishing attempts by you in a weak moment.

Oh and before I forget, I'll bump up the abbreviation list for you.  I, myself, write everything out.  Most refer to an affair as an A...I tend to think that begins to minimize it our minds..maybe not, but that's the way I roll.  Our previous CL referred to it as the A-hole...could  not be more appropriate...and that has really stuck.

Okay...back to protecting yourself.  Have you blocked all avenues of communications...ALL AVENUES...even the smallest of paths? There's a thread in our Healing Library on how to do this...all the technical stuff.  if I can find it, I'll bump that up too. 

Have you thought about seeking counseling?  A professional can really help you delve into your core issues...and believe me, we all have issues down to the core....that go beyond our scope of support.  And a professional will help sort out all your "whys'...because even though the affair was all about you in a me me me way...it turns out it IS really all about you in a "gulp...me me me" way.  It's food for thought anyway.

Let today be your last goodbye and the first day of your free-from-the-affair life.  There's plenty of support here.  We are a fun group...a bag o' mixed nuts, I'd say :smileyhappy:

Please read as much as you can...even posts that are not directed to you...because people tend to ask the same questions and you'll often times find the answers there...perhaps before you even formed the question in your own mind...read in our Healing...maybe the posts first that resonant the most with you...then everything else :smileyhappy:  It is chock full of wisdom and insights from those who have gone before you and is a reference with the ways and means to stay NC and move forward. Hang out an dialogue with others...that's how it works best...supporting each other...it's makes us stronger.

Stay NC and you can't go wrong.  It is our only one absolute guarantee that we will stay out of the affair.  I am a firm believer that our healing time is determined by the amount of effort we put into it.  Use NC as it is intended...to stay out and allow time and distance to get clear.

I'm glad you popped in.  There's always room for one more in the lifeboat.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 4:33pm

I'll just have to hone my clairvoyancy stills so that my hand is there to slap you should you go for that cookie jar :smileyhappy:

The Healing Library is on the front page....just scroll down and your in.  Open 24 hours a day....365 days a week...no check-out lines.

Good for you for deleting all you can.  It's a HUGE STEP.  I've seen too many hold back on that final closure and it keeps a tweeny weeny part of them still hoping, me thinketh...and certainly open to falling back into the A-hole if any fishing attempts come through.  And then, when they do finally summon up the courage to block, it's as if they have to go through the grieving process all over again.  Why rip the bandaid of slowly...just (((rip))) that sucker off and no more worrying or wondering which leaves you open and focused on the healing.

Look forward to having you here, Lethogirl...I see what Daisy means about that listhp thang going on.

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 5:24pm

Now LethSee..still working on my listhp. To clarify our clever abbeviations, x affair partner (xAP) is not an A-hole, it's the Affair (A) that is the pit of despair and gets its own modifier, - hole.

I wouldn't say my xAP is anything bad - we were both just caught up in the same bad movie, with each other by chance.

It's interesting that you expect to go flat and unfeeling soon - that hasn't worked for you in ending before so maybe you will find some helpful suggestions in posts and in the Library. Certainly posting while everything is fresh in your mind and getting it out there will help, as might journaling at home. Keep the thoughts moving, even if they are painful - stagnation may feel "better" temporarily but will come back to haunt you in a weak moment. I don't mean 'try to figure out the next 50 yearsof your life' keep it moving, but rather, just grieving or reflecting, letting whatever emotions are there have their day, then be gone.

We're here to listen -

Hugs, Daisy

Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 5:45pm
Hi, LethoGirl.

I'd like to start with your name. I was curious because benthos is a real term. I'm sure letho is too but looking up letho only brings you to lethobenthos. (For the record, the benthos is the community of of organisms that live on lake beds, river beds and the ocean floor. Yes, bottom dwellers. You can't have a name with bottom dweller in it. I was also a bit alarmed to read the rest of the definition of lethobenthos (even if it is a made up term):
n. the habit of forgetting how important someone is to you until you see them again in person, making you wish your day would begin with a “previously on” recap of your life’s various plot arcs, and end with “to be continued…” after those will-they-won’t-they cliffhanger episodes that air just before the show goes back into months of repeats.

I think you might want something a little more positive, a little more empowering. You deserve that. You're already doing things a little differently this time. Come on. Nth time's the charm.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 8:07pm

Welcome Lethogirl, you are in the right place! I'm 20 days NC, after MANY tries, but this is the longest we've gone without contact and I'm feeling much stronger about it than ever before. There's lots of good reading here, in the Healing library, copy the Awakening and Let it Go, those are great to read daily.

Good luck..

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 8:13pm

Nothing gets by our Worthmore :smileywink:


Avatar for worthmore
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2012
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 9:49pm
Nothing...except the whole affairs-suck-the-life-out-of-you thing. Fortunately, I did eventually catch on to that one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Wed, 08-22-2012 - 11:57pm
Letho, you are one good newbie sport! All this scrutiny for your name just as you are dealing with the worst feelings! But we're nice really, we just hate to type...or, I speak for myself anyway, and the choice of an uplifting name WILL shoot you forward!

It is hard to live the double life as you work through this,but you can do it . Many of us, even as we are so sad ourselves, worry about the others around us including xAP. but it is their lot to deal with, they entered into the A with its liabilities,just as you did. It's time to take care of you.

I'll sleep on the name thing too...Daisy