Day three, I can do this, I think...

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Registered: 12-31-1969
Day three, I can do this, I think...
6
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 9:10am
I've been reading here for a while but haven't posted. I ended my A three days ago NC, It lasted almost a year. I fell for him but I feel he was just using me to fill a physical void in his M, this worked for us in the beginning but not a year later. Neither of us intended to leave our spouses as there are children involved but things were just missing at home. Today has been the hardest day so far because the beginning of the work week meant meeting up with my AP. I am an independent contractor and work at various offices. I would see AP in the morning at one office early on my way to a different one. I have no choice but to drive by his office and this morning he was there early obviously hoping I changed my mind. I drove by crying all the way. I can avoid him for a little while but eventually I have to go into that office and I have to interact. I am scared to death. I am torn between wanting him to call and fight for me and hoping he doesn't so I don't have to fight to resist picking up. We have ended it so many times but this just feels different. I can't take the pain of feeling used. My H doesn't deserve this, he is a good man just emotionless, and my child certainly doesn't. I want my life back and stop hanging on to this mess but I don't know where to begin. A year of my life has surrounded this. I am going to miss the feeling of being wanted. It's been so long since I felt it. It's hard to go back and I hate the person I have become. I didn't know I was this needy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 10:15am

Yes!  Yes!! You CAN do this!!!

I'm glad you posted in...a sign of wanting to hold ones self accountable and a good start to getting your life back.

You said you have gone back and for with ending.  Did you make a formal declaration that it is over?  Not that that'll necessarily mean in his eyes that it is indeed over...if you've been there, done that in the past.  

It you will be having LC, have you checked out the LC thread in our Healing Library? If not, please do :smileyhappy:  You'll need to maintain a professional and business attitude to make this work.

That feeling of being wanted...well, sometimes we just have to believe that our roles as a mom and wife already have us wanted...it's just not always voiced by those who want us.  And maybe down the line, after you settle into your ending, you can find another activity/service that makes you feel wanted too.  Like some community service where your participation makes it so when you walk through the door, they say "Hey!  Here's cthelight....man, do we want you!" :smileyhappy:

And by putting an end to your affair, you'll hopefully avoid a Discovery Day (unfortunately it can come even after we've stopped) and avoid the 'WANTED" poster.

Congratulations on your 3 days NC and welcome to EAS.  

((hugs))

Clarity

 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 12:05pm

Good for you for not picking up.  He has to realize that you are now a woman of your word.  When you say you are done, you are done. It may take him a while because you taught him that you will eventually cave or get over it, but no more!

It's going to be hard...doesn't mean it's not doable....because you are doing it.

Keep coming here for support, and participant and dialogue into others, you'll will garner more strength along the way.

Keep up the good work and, again, please check out that LC thread in the HL...it'll help you navigate having to see him tomorrow.  Remember, professional and business like at all times.

Clarity


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 2:06pm
Good job cthelight - yes you can do it. If you have been reading here you know the stages, so come here when you need to to avoid acting on impulse, and let the emotions do what they will. Good ol' time will become your friend, even as it feels so awful now.

Hugs to you, stay with it -

Daisy
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 2:27pm
Hi Cthelight and welcome!

Love the name and you are seeing the light. These first few days are by far the worst! And so well done for not picking up! Im not sure I would have had the resolve on my day 3 Tap into yours and keep going. Read lots and post often. Willing you all the way to a better life....

(((hugs)))
Sunny soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Mon, 08-06-2012 - 4:51pm
Welcome Cthelight

Well done on making 3 days LC. I work with my xAP on a daily basis and at 8 months out it still challenges me more than I would like. Your insight into the reality of your A will stand you in good stead over the next few weeks. Often it is not accepting this that holds us back - I know it has been for me and it's only been recently that I've faced it too. The others have directed you to the healing library and the posts on LC. Is there any way you can drop his office as part of your work portfolio? Distance and NC is the best way. LC is brutal and for me has slowed healing considerably. If you can ditch having to see him at all you wouldn't regret it. To add to the HL suggestions I would say to avoid eye contact if you can, arrange meetings where others are present, no personal convos, speak in a lower voice with no emotion and hold your head high. No smiling.

It's fairly normal to want them to hurt and miss you. But that's just your ego talking. My ego took me back into my A last year after he ended it and I couldn't bear the rejection. Them coming back and wanting you again does you no favours and serves only to hurt you more. With time those feelings will change.

Take strength in the fact that you have ended this and shown yourself to be the strong woman you are. We have ALL felt needy and used in an A. The very nature if them eroded our self esteem and we sought validation and self worth from an unhealthy source. Stay here, read and post. Find a cyberbuddy to chat with off board to help sustain you.

You can do this sweetheart - the next few days will be harsh and we are here to help you through.

Much love

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~