Days, months, or even years ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Days, months, or even years ...
12
Wed, 05-26-2010 - 9:32pm

Hello to all my Brothers and Sisters!


I am exactly 1 month NC today and the highs and lows i've felt during that period i've already experience prior.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 1:02am

Thanks Liberty your post helped!


what you said here, "IMHO, it doesn't matter if we are 1 minute NC/LC or 1 lifetime NC/LC because it doesn't guarantee our healing by counting the days, months, or even years we are out of the A.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 8:43am

Hi, LLost-
Reading _this_ concerns me and I wanted to discuss it with you and the other girls:

"By counting the days, months, or even years we are still actively aware of the affair and we are not moving forward. I believe even by coming on an affair board we are still in contact with our affair. To be truly over the affair, it means not having any form of contact with anything affair related. That is my opinion. Each time we sign on to EAS, we are subconsciously aware of our affair and our xAP. We are not moving forward per say."

I disagree completely. Every time we log on to EAS, we are _consciously_ aware of our A. Being "conscious" is EXACTLY what is need to "move forward" - it's the very definition of moving forward. Counting days is merely a tool that some use to empower themselves to keep moving forward, or to mark NC successes towards healing. It works that way for some, but not all - but for those for which it's a comfort, it's certainly NOT a form of holding onto the A. Being 'over' the A does not mean we forget it. It means that we have stayed _actively_ conscious of it, made corrections, learned how to have a healthy future in spite of our past. I fear that your statement will confuse some newbies who are still unclear about how to 'get over' the A and mislead them into thinking that leaving the board, shoving down the feelings that need to be working through, is an acceptable and successful A-ending. Gee, I'm 7 or 8 months out and I don't think I'll ever be 'over' this A if your definition of 'over' it is correct. I know, though, that I will have redirected the negative energy of my A into a positive by using this experience every day for the rest of my life to keep myself on track and help others if I can. If that means I'm a Vet someday, years on from now, and still on this board - so be it, and thank God. I won't be holding onto my A, nor will I have redirected my addiction to it into an addiction for 'ending'; I will be holding onto Lessons learned and making the best use of them as possible. I will stay very actively conscious of my A, it just won't have the same effect on me. For me, this IS moving forward. This is success. This is being 'over it'.

I would love to hear other's opinions.

Best,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 9:27am

Ditto Dee. Thank you for this response, it is exactly what I would have written.


Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 9:56am

***I just want to say that you totally misinterpreted what I posted earlier, Dee. Did I ever say to newbies to not come on this board? I don't think I typed, "STAY AWAY FROM EAS". LOL I hope I didn't.

You don't need to be actively reminded every day that an affair is a bad thing. This should be a no brainer -I hope-in the future to know to not have another affair. Hindsight is 20/20, and realistically, whether you agree or not, visiting EAS is still holding on to the past. Now, this is not to discourage newbies. EAS is a good form to get over the affair - yes, but there comes a time I think when you earn your wings and fly. I do not want to continue rehashing or revisiting my affair.

On EAS, we tell each other to not think about xAP. We tell each other to do things to get our thoughts off xAP. Well, by visiting EAS and talking about xAP is that not counterproductive to what we preach?

See, I do NOT, absolutely in no way, shape or form do I want to be actively reminded until the day that I die about this affair! I want to shove it in a closet, bury it so deep and forget about it! I overanalyzed this affair to pieces. I overanalyzed what he did, what he said, and what it means. I overanalyzed my feelings. I am tired of giving him space in my head. I want to live a normal life again without xAP for christ sake. I want to forget he existed. Is that so wrong? NO. We forget past boyfriends. We move forward. We survive. Why is it that I need to hold on to this affair as a scarlet A on my chest?

I understand what you are saying that we take this experience, learn from it, and offer advice. Granted we can offer advice if we are over the affair. But I think that takes years to be at a point of immunity.

This is what I meant by my post ~~~> Do I in 5 years want to be still visiting EAS? I love you girls and you have helped me tremendously but I don't want to be on here in that time period still rehashing about xAP. Giving advice is a totally DIFFERENT thing, but to come on here for support? I just hope to be over xAP in 5 years.

That is all I am saying.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 10:15am

Dee and Jane, thank you for elaborating.


Hi LLost,


I'm sorry i might have confused you but what i mean from that is that time

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 10:17am
Cheers! =)
That is what I was saying too...very well said Liberty. Don't know where the confusion was.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009


No Contact = No New Hurts


Silence is Golden; Silence is Dignified; Silence speaks volumes.



Remember: Out of sight, out of mind.

NC since Dec. 9th 2009

No Contact = No N

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 2:04pm

I get what you are saying. I think

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 2:54pm

Liberty,
I apologize for not responding directly to your good post before responding to Llost's reply. that was rude of me and borderline hijackish. I agreed with everything you said, though, and had no real comment other than, "true, that."

Cheers,
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2010
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 9:20pm

No need to Dee.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 11:40pm
Thank you, Liberty. You're a beautiful soul. I needed that tonight.
xoxox
Dee

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