Dealing with it head on

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Dealing with it head on
5
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:38pm
Haha - stole the phrase from one of Clarity's post. What am I dealing with? - well finding out from my colleague who has just left that xAP tried it on with her before me and that she made it clear was a no go but still is friends with him.  I had my suspicions in between my first ending and starting up again but I ignored the red flags. I made excuses, struggled with thinking it was me (ie paranoid) and generally dealt with the anxiety my suspicions caused by excuses.

Why am I posting this? Not to dwell but to finally realise that I can see the whole horrid stark reality of it all. I think my heart has finally caught up with my head. I have struggled immensely with feeling not good enough, not being special , feeling rejected, yada, yada. Convincing myself that i was and that we just rejected the A. Well I wasn't special - none of it was special.

Now dealing with knowing that others had enough self esteem and integrity to avoid his advances and that I didn't - ouch. But with it comes a sense of relief. I can let go. I needed the truth - always have done and worried myself sick over never really knowing. So now I do. Now I don't doubt that his behaviour is borne out of his own insecurities and was no reflection on me - he clearly needs massive amounts of attention and ego stroking. And clearly we used each other as I too responded due to my issues and lack of boundaries Now I think I've got the difficult job of forgiving myself for not seeing it for what it was at the time the opportunity presented  itself to cross that line and making what has been the worst decision of my life. 

Thanks for listening. I wanted to post so I can see it there and have no room for any more justifying. And I will deal with it head on despite how painful it is.

Much love

Yellow xx

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2012
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:40pm
Hey Yellow
Soo pleased to see you get to where we all need to be. We all made the same mistakes hun its how we learn and move on from them that counts and you have done so with dignity and integrity in abundance. You are an amazing inspiration to us all, in our quest to break free. You are one more day closer to your goal. Be proud of yourself.

Big Hugs for when it hurts
Sunny Soon Xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2010
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:06pm

Yellow and Myra,

Thank you for your posts today.  I needed this, like you wouldn’t believe.  So thank you for taking the time to post.

I saw my XAP this past weekend after 41 days of NC.  It was an “accidental sighting”.  And it messed with me (if you wish, see my post on TOUGH WEEKEND).  I had ended it but was all of a sudden wondering if I’d done the right thing (got a little foggy !)

But your posts reminded me of something-the reason I ended it.  I too struggled with feeling second, not special, etc.

AND, I have always had my suspicions that I was not his first A (my T thinks there have been others and that he is likely already looking to the next one).  I too was told by a colleague that at one time she thought there was something going on between XAP and another female co-worker (before me).  I too, ignored the red flags.

I too wish I had been a better woman and had not allowed myself to be the one he was able to hook.  I too think it would bring me some relief to know that his behavior of pursuing other women outside his M is about him and his issues.

I too am having a very difficult time forgiving myself.

And this IS painful.

And I hope I can get to being that “better woman”, as you put it so well Myra.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2011
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:02pm

Yellow,

Love yourself. The way you are right now. As we here at EAS do. Don't doubt it for a moment.

--Bird

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2011
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:50pm
Thanku Myra - you made me cry as you expressed yourself so well.

I regret so much that I didn't respond as you did to him two years ago.

X

"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves." ~Henry David Thoreau~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 12:46pm

At least you are out of it now. This morning I passed a gentleman in the hallway at work and he was coming on strong to a beautiful lady and she was blushing from ear to ear. This man is M and I have seen him with his W. This same man started coming on to me when I first started working here and I told him that him coming on to me was both disrespectul to me, his W and our M. It is good that you realize that it doesn't take someone special for a man to cheat on his W. And now you know that if a man is bold enough to come on to you while he is M, it shows that he lacks character. At least you are in a better place and from now on you shouldn't ever be hidden or accept being second in a man's life. When we know better we do better. It feels good to be a woman who knows who she is and who has great integrity and self esteem.