dealing with my void (thanks Mo!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
dealing with my void (thanks Mo!)
1
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 3:13am
Weird discussion title - I know - I just hope Mo reads this! In the Spark discussion Mo replied with something that really hit home for me and has really helped me!

The concept that by this A I was filling a void that I have and will probably always have - I need to learn more about it.

I finally realized that MM didn't give me something special and wonderful - he was filling a void. I will find out how to fill that void on my own. He didn't even do a good job filling it! He left me feeling so full and happy and wonderful then so empty and ignored. If I find a better way to fill it myself - that won't happen.

It is like a light bulb just went off in my head.

I'm no longer trying to "get over" him - I'm trying to figure out what to do to fill myself up.

Okay - I guess I STILL am trying to get over him - but my focus has shifted some.

It is a start!

I realized too that I used him as much as he used me. I just let my feelings get involved and he just didn't have any.

I talked to him after the last time we were together and asked if he ever felt guilty and he said NO! He just didn't think about it. He said that it was a big turn on to be with me and his W on the same day! He would say the most blunt and crude things to me and I just took it - and liked it! If my H. talked that way I would tell him it was NOT a turn on and not respectful.

Although I have to admit that a big part of giving him up is giving up the sex. He was very good at what he did (too much time on the internet reading about it - the guy hasn't had a job in years and isn't looking! Wife supports him!) Honestly I should be disgusted by him sometimes - but instead I get off on this. I think that is part of the whole SPARK and secret side of me. He has told me how hot I am, how incredible in bed, how much he is in to my a** (to me it is way too big!! - so how could I not eat that up??)

It goes on and on. In my weak moments I realize that he never really lied to me - I knew what he wanted all along. He never said he loved me or that I was better than his W - he just said that he was very into me and wanted me and that I was so important as a friend.

I'm rambling but it really helps me to get this stuff out.

This board helps so much!

Like Lily said - I wish we could all get together and talk and LAUGH about this stuff.

The really scary thing is that not only do I see myself in so many posts - I see this MM -who says and does all of the same things that the other MMs say - and we are across the ocean in a different country even!

I figured out a couple of ways to keep my *SPARK* - that is to have this secret of my A and know that I have left him wanting more from me and HIM not leaving me because I was too clingy. I want out with my head held high.

I will have to see him - no way around that - kids are friends and we both have mutual friends and activities that I refuse to walk away from.

Thanks for listening to me ramble!

Each day this gets easier and I get stronger and closer to ending things the way I should.




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-18-2004 - 9:02am

YAY, Lazy!!!!!


That post was so strong, smart and healthy! I think we're on our way, girl!! Woohoo!


"I finally realized that MM didn't give me something special and wonderful - he was filling a void. I will find out how to fill that void on my own. He didn't even do a good job filling it! He left me feeling so full and happy and wonderful then so empty and ignored. If I find a better way to fill it myself - that won't happen."


That is a really good point. There's nothing special about these guys. They aren't better than our husbands (or potential boyfriends and husbands for those of you not married), they do not have superhuman powers, they were a cheap knockoff. We were missing something and we drank up the attention they gave us. Read my post about neutralizing them under "Having to see him every day"


I realized too that I used him as much as he used me. I just let my feelings get involved and he just didn't have any.


Me too. I think that's pretty typical. Mine wanted to keep emotions out of it, which to me meant not going to the "love" place, but to him it meant trying to take away my right to have my feelings hurt when he did something hurtful. To him, "lets not let our emotions get involved" was his get-out-of-jail-free card to not have to act like a decent human to me.


It goes on and on. In my weak moments I realize that he never really lied to me - I knew what he wanted all along. He never said he loved me or that I was better than his W - he just said that he was very into me and wanted me and that I was so important as a friend.


Damn, me too. I hate that because I feel really stupid, but at least the fog is lifting and I see things more clearly now for what they are. I really haven't lost anything wonderful-there wasn't anything wonderful to lose. Rereading his emails as I deleted them this week confirmed that. It's very easy to read into something and

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby