Dear: anyone who will listen
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| Wed, 12-30-2009 - 9:43pm |
For every step forward I am taking 10 steps back. Why am I not strong enough to overcome this JAM! Just as I start feeling better BAM he will contact me. I stew over it for a while and than I do it. I respond. The outcome is good and bad. The good thing is it didnt go very far. The bad. Well I feel so depressed right now. I feel like I have given away all my power and control to him. I dont want him anymore. I really don't. I was and am wanting to fix myself. I cant take this horrible pain of shame and disgust I have about myself. Every time I succumb to him this is what I feel. I read on another post that this is a drug addiction. Makes sense. I never physically did drugs ever in my life but from what I have witnessed around me I see the pattern. They take the drug.. they feel like they are on cloud nine.. drug wears off and they are at the lowest of the lowest. At this point they will beat themselves up over and over again. When opportunity arises again. Cycle repeat. This is me. I feel so very weak. I dont think I have the strength. I feel beaten. My eyes are so puffy, complexion is so pale. I am a mess. I feel like I lost my spirit. Just saying that I start to well up again. On a positive note I am still determine to somehow beat this. I called the carrier for my cell phone and inquired about blocking his calls/ text. I have already deleted him from FB back in August. LOL.. as you can see I have been going back and forth on this NC things for months! The past 2 weeks I have been breaking NC. I have read some success stories today. Congratulation To all of you. I too hope to share a similar story with you in a months time.
Im sorry for not coming on here like i had promised to. I really really am. I wish i had. Gee, where did I hear that before??
--Shawn Alexander

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Believe,
I believe in you and that you sincerely want to end this addiction once and for all. It is like a drug. A few months ago, I used to get physically ill at the thought of never hearing and/or seeing xAP. But recently, that 'spell' he had on me wore off. I can't explain to you what it is...
I'm listening and I wish I could help you. I really wish I could block him from you. But there isn't much anyone can do to help you. YOU are the only person that can help yourself out of this misery.
Forgive me for not knowing but are you married? Is he married? Any children?
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
I BELIEVE,
U have a saying at the bottom of each post, i suppose that is your signature...I read it everytime I read your posts. Its the quote from Shawn Alexander...u know the one you keep ignoring?!!! I know that looks harsh, but around here, thats how it is.
I am a newbie, hurt bad, just like you do, brief story about me, I did not know I was in a A, soon after I did, I found out I was P. A P he claimed he wanted. Just after the A (not for affair) I took an exit and have never looked back, I changed all my numbers blocked all his possible ways of contacting me....I too have been wounded in many ways, my time in the A was short lived but nonetheless, I stuck around for a while and had a little bit of those drugs you describe so I can still relate.
U have to get your $hit together!! U have done this a lot lately. I have sat and watched and stood out of it. I am speaking to you now out of hopes that I will get thru and support you on a better path. Perhaps I come off harsh, but I am crying as I type this email to you. Because I can relate to your pain.
U have to change all your numbers if you really want this to end. U HAVE TO!!!
I have read your posts for days...a lot of pain, most of which is self inflicted every time you contact him. Or you respond to contact him. U keep saying you want this over, yet you keep falling into it time and time again...
WHY DIDNT U COME HERE THE MOMENT HE CONTACTED U? U do not owe us an apology, you owe it to yourself, this board is only good to you as YOU make it. We are all here. We would have supported you, despite you falling several times, has anyone ever ignored your posts...or said go away....
We have all been down your road....we can relate, we can support you...DO U WANT THIS OVER?
If so change all your info, and YOU refrain from contacting him. Sounds hard but isn't. Those acts are not tough....now the feelings, the before, the during, the after, those are the tough things.
The things we are here for...the things we have been here for. The things we would continue to be here for.
R u going to continue to pick at your wounds?
I have to go for a min, but we will be back here for you if you need me....hell, I will be back even if you don't!
I have to be honest Ibelieve, most times when I see people breaking NC over and over and I've given as much advice as I possible can,
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
I believe,
Your happiness lies in your own little hands, my dear. If you want to feel better, you're going to have to be compliant in taking your medicine no matter how awful it tastes.
~Iddy~
Thank you everyone. I feel so confused and over emotional. I cant stop crying. It is unbearable. I have blocked his number and maybe that will help. I really want to turn this page over. I know I am the only one who can do it. Just keeping my thoughts in order. That is why I come on here. Although I have disappointed my self over and over this board doe help me through the hard nights and days. I also think the holidays affected me more than I even realized. I dont know why I just got sad thinking that today is the last day of the NY. I think maybe it is because everyone will be with their loved ones sharing that NY kiss. The magical kiss of the year. When I am done with this post I have my notepad ready to jot down some plans. I have the idea just no plan on how to deal with the "what if's" For starters NC I need to believe that I need to absorb that. It was a true and tried plan that worked for many of you.
After the NY I will seek therapy to deal with my underlining issues that have been surfacing.
LOL that quote that I have there I have it there to remind me that I need to STOP picking the wounds. What I actually did was put that on my homescreen on computer and Cell phone. Where I will always see it.
I just feel like a dark cloud is constantly hovering over me. I am sick of the rain. The tears. The feeling of empitness. The feeling of cheapness. I am NOT those things so why am I doing this to myself. I want to be angry at him but I cant. I knew what he was all about.
Lost- I am so sorry that you had to deal with P and all. That must've been devastating. I am so happy that you are feeling better. :-)
--Shawn Alexander
Oh I am sorry I didnt answer your question. Im S and he has a LIGF (common law) they have 2 children. One being a newborn. Yup.. thats right a newborn.
"I sleep in a seperate room"
"she is not interested in me anymore"
Sound familiar? And I still hang on emotionally. UGH!!! I just want to scream.
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
That's right! You had a different screen name when you were on MAS, right? Or am I having your confused with someone else? Your story and mine are a bit similiar (my xAP had a newborn and lied about not being married, then it was common law too). I posted a thread called "List of Lies" he told me...check it out, it might make you feel better! Take me as an example, I was stupid enough to go along with ALL those and MORE lies for 2 years lol
I know exactly how you feel, Believe. NY eve is so lonely for me too. I hope to take some sleeping pills and be asleep before midnight. BUT I AM looking forward to January 1st! NEW YEAR, NEW ME. NO MORE NEW HURTS!
Hang in there... btw..what did you mean sorry about your P and all? What does "P" stand for?
NC since Dec. 9th 2009
No Contact = No N
Hi
I wasnt on MAS before. I did have a different screen name but it was negative so I changed it to re-affirm positiveness ;)
Oh Im sorry the P was for Sienna.
If I am confusing its because my head is all over the place. Pleeeeease bare with me :)
Lost I will check out your post List of Lies. I could only imagine what this man said to you. Here is my fav when I found out they were having a baby. She took advantage of him. LMAO!
You are not going out for NY? I hope you wont be alone :(Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Edited 12/31/2009 3:21 am ET by i_believe_in_myself
>>"Why am I not strong enough to overcome this JAM!"<<
Because you are a house divided my dear.
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