Dear: anyone who will listen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Dear: anyone who will listen
19
Wed, 12-30-2009 - 9:43pm

For every step forward I am taking 10 steps back. Why am I not strong enough to overcome this JAM! Just as I start feeling better BAM he will contact me. I stew over it for a while and than I do it. I respond. The outcome is good and bad. The good thing is it didnt go very far. The bad. Well I feel so depressed right now. I feel like I have given away all my power and control to him. I dont want him anymore. I really don't. I was and am wanting to fix myself. I cant take this horrible pain of shame and disgust I have about myself. Every time I succumb to him this is what I feel. I read on another post that this is a drug addiction. Makes sense. I never physically did drugs ever in my life but from what I have witnessed around me I see the pattern. They take the drug.. they feel like they are on cloud nine.. drug wears off and they are at the lowest of the lowest. At this point they will beat themselves up over and over again. When opportunity arises again. Cycle repeat. This is me. I feel so very weak. I dont think I have the strength. I feel beaten. My eyes are so puffy, complexion is so pale. I am a mess. I feel like I lost my spirit. Just saying that I start to well up again. On a positive note I am still determine to somehow beat this. I called the carrier for my cell phone and inquired about blocking his calls/ text. I have already deleted him from FB back in August. LOL.. as you can see I have been going back and forth on this NC things for months! The past 2 weeks I have been breaking NC. I have read some success stories today. Congratulation To all of you. I too hope to share a similar story with you in a months time.

Im sorry for not coming on here like i had promised to. I really really am. I wish i had. Gee, where did I hear that before??

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 2:45pm

I believe,

Lost did not have the P, I did. and he had just had a newborn too. You I and Lost have a lot in again. I found out about him being married because of the newborn baby....which led to me finding out he was married and then I found out I was P. Hope that clears it up for you...

Lost, she thought you were me....our stories are all similar so the confusion is understandable.

Lost, I am going to respond to your thread from last night as soon as I get a sec...Kids got me running again today.

wish you guys a good day and I will be back shortly..

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 4:32pm

So sorry to have mixed you and lost up :S

:)Free-- I will definitely email you. I really think its awesome to say what you are feeling without having to really explain. Feels good to be understood :) really does.

Talk soonTime heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander




Edited 12/31/2009 4:34 pm ET by i_believe_in_myself
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 4:46pm

Hi Victory

You are right I do still want him. I wouldnt be feeling this way if i didn't. My heart still feels for him. But I know that he is not good for me. He is so toxic to me. I dont know what it is about him. He will send me 1 message and i am weak in my knees. I try so hard to NOT respond. BUT I DO! Than I start to beat myself up for it as you can see by my post. I had a good day today so far, met up with a friend and got a pedicure and did a little bit of shopping. Oh the therapy of shopping ;). But.. NYE will be a tough one but I will be with a couple of dear friends. I hope to be a super actress tonight. What I really hope is to just be and enjoy my company. But I know that my thoughts will be with him. I know I will want to send him a happy new year message. I know I will be looking to see if the red light is blinking on my BB. I also know he will be ringing in the NY with his spouse and children. I made a promise to myself to NOT message him and I will be true to myself for once.

Question is when you get that impulse just how do you fight it. Im sure you know just how strong it is.. it takes over your whole being for 5 min. When youre done making contact that is when you come back to realization.. the AWW F***! whyyyyyyy!!!

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2009
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 6:06pm

Greetings~


Seriously...we are sharing the same brain....the more you write, the more I relate.


Email any time....hang in there! I'm with ya!


Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Thu, 12-31-2009 - 11:19pm

I Believe,

Hope today is better...I know u said it might be rough, but hopefully u are somwhere right now with people who really care about you and your well being.

I write to tell you, that I although i have has some success NC, I am much like you in many ways...I am just better at handling that implulse you describe.

Facts:

I think about calling everyday

I think about him calling everyday even tho my numbers have all changed. I figure he might get em somehow.

I pick up my phone every day and think about how i would react if i ever saw the number

I think about where he is and what he is doing all the time

Usually the last thought at night, the first in the am....but that has lessened quite a bit

I think about caling him blocked...just to hear his voice, see if he answers, hopes he knows its me and then finds a way to call me back...that thought is less and less too...but that was a fantasy for me for a while.

Everyone says that they come fishing...he has not at all. not that i am aware of...shows me how much he loved me, could not be without me, wants to be with me etc....
first, i wanted him to fish, i wanted some validation...hurt me so that i was just dismissed he moved on to some new/old OW etc....drove myself nuts cuz I felt so rejected. Even tho I let him go and ended things, he n his new OW did some mean things afterwards....she called me and left me very nasty vm's. She new a lot about me and he has told her I was crazy, a stalker, a obsessed with him, he threw me under the bus that quickly, That hurt like hell....deep.

My point is....almost lost that, forgive me, is that I have the same impulses, pains etc...get a plan. get a good plan...stick to it, journaling is my saving grace....u have to work thru them. U have to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 10:47am

Thank you Sienna

The things we have in common..WOW. Today is better. I am not in bed crying so that is a good thing. Lastnight I had a couple o fmy dearest friends with me. It helped me alot to get through the night. I do have to say I am SOOOOOO proud of myself I didnt contact him like i did on Christmas. I always let him know that even though I am not there with him I have him on my mind on the holidays. Although I was happy for myself about not reaching out to him. I was upset he didnt reach out to me. I was thinking about him alot. I thought about all the details of what he might have been doing. How happy he was etc. How he didnt think of me. I am getting upset now LOL thinking about it right now. But I know this is the best thing for me. I have to do this for me. I dont want to be his side dish anymore. I know that is what I was now to him. When I was with him I thought we had this amazing connection. I felt it it was VERY REAL. I felt it when we talked even over the phone. I am so scared that I will not find that in another. What a feeling to share that with someone. You know very well Im sure.

You said how you would react if you saw his number how you would feel. I swear and i am being open about it. When we were in contact. Everytime (which was several times per day) my heart would race when I saw his name on my caller id. I would glow before during and after conversation. People around me would say 'arent you a perky one" LOL He made me gleam. I would smile at my thoughts of him. Now I cry at those exact same thoughts. I have tried NC even before coming on this board. MANY MANY MANY times. He was thinking "there she goes again" never took me seriously LOL.. I wonder why? But I noticed that I have a little more strength with each time. I break NC all the time. He doesn't fish. At least if he did I would feel like it was something to him. That I made even a slight difference to him. But I guess not.

Do I want this over. Yes. WOuld I paint this picture differently OH YES. I would love to have met him at a different time in our lives where it was possible to be together. That thought hurts me knowing that it didnt pan out this way.

One day at a time Sienna. Actually one hour at a time LOL. I started a journal this morning. Cause you said it. First thought of the day and the last thought of the day.

How are you feeling today? Hope this holiday was kind to you :)Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander




Edited 1/1/2010 10:54 am ET by i_believe_in_myself
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 11:05am

>>I would love to have met him at a different time in our lives where it was possible to be together...<<


But then we would never have met you here on EAS because you would have been posting on the Betrayed Spouses Support Board instead ;)



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2009
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 11:16am

LOL

:-D

Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them.
--Shawn Alexander
Time heals all wounds, unless you pick at them. --Shawn Alexander
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2005
Fri, 01-01-2010 - 3:03pm

Clarity,
you are write, she would be on the betrayed spouses board.

Lost,

My day is ok, my night was tough, a little tough, sleeping was tough, even with a lil new years champagne....sleeping has suddenly become tough. I was sleeping ok, the meds were helping, now the meds barely work. I gotta get it together. I need my sleep.

But I am up and about today...not sweatin too much. Mornings are usually tough, late nights when i cant sleep are tough, i am managing it tho. The days, they are good, the kids keep me going, but sometimes they are talking to me and i am off in La La Land with a memory or thought and they are like "MOM" and I snap out of it....that happens less and less but still happens, the thoughts are of some lie.....some memory that at the time was pure and real but now is tainted....

these light bulbs keep going off....like that is why i could not reach him that night.....or that is why i did not hear from him....those can be troubling and really set me back... i have to really focus and geet myself out of those...those are memories of when i thought i had an amazing boyfriend....when in all actuallity he was married. THOSE R MIND BLOWING.... they hurt and my mind cant believe how fooled i was....

and its ok to admit you still want him...its ok to admit things on here....i want him to contact me...he has not. actually i do not want it anymore, but i did for weeks....now I am like whatever. that was only so I would believe that something was real, that he actually cared about me, that he really did love me like he said......ACTIONS...they are the truth. All that talk aint nothing. Now, I am like, so what if he cares, so what if he misses me, so what if he wants me, so what if he told me all this tomorrow......It does not change a thing, it means nothing. He is married to someone else. He is not for me even if he was not.

These men can say what they want about who they are with and why they stay...they can talk and make up so many excuses. It does not matter..they are where they wanna be.

I am a Divorce atty, people get divorced everyday....people with kids separate, people ACT if they want to....

Then there are the men we have dealt with who are weak cowards at their very core. They suffer from low self esteem and we stroke their egos to no end....we are what crave but only on occasion

He showed me better than he could ever tell me....and I have to accept that.

trust me, i have stayed NC but it has been a struggle but I am feeling better and better about it each day. And the more I see him for what he is....the more strength I get. I was used. Its that simple. I swore it was more, and to me I was more, but at the end of the day, I was his ego boost, one of many. I was used and used....and the minute i was a threat to "HOME" and "family," because God forbid someone know about me and the baby....and they know he is not innocent....all his friends knew me..and I met all their girlfriends, all of them, but guess what, all his friends were married too and not to the women I met. Its like a club....they all hang out and they all cheat and its just the thing to do.....they all cover with one another etc...

anyway, sorry i went off on a tangent. but let me leave you with this....it does get better, you can do this, you can make you better.

i always have looked to a man for my happiness, i always looked for a the knight in shining armor to come save the day, guess we are socialized that way.....the prince will come for me and make me all better, if only i do this or that....he will pick me, he will save me, F3@K that!! I am going to save myself!!!

Life is not like the fairy tales we grew up with when it comes to most relationships, let alone an AFFAIR. U too can save yourself, and we can do it together if you would like.....

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