Deciding to make a marriage work...
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Deciding to make a marriage work...
| Tue, 03-02-2004 - 5:34pm |
I sometimes feel sympathy for xMM when I think about the hard work he has to do to make his marriage work. I can't imagine how hard it'll be to try to reconnect with his wife after being so uninvolved with her for so long. Falling in love is easy...but convincing yourself to love someone again would be difficult, I think. Theoretically I suppose it can be done. (I don't mean to sound condescending...I really do wonder if it's possible.)
Also, do you think that admitting to the affair is necessary for the marriage to work? Do you subscribe to the "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" idea? I can't imagine keeping something like that secret and still trying to have an open, honest, and loving marriage.

As for being completely open and honest about an A, I would think that complete honesty is important if you are going to rebuild a marriage. Then again, I guess it also depends on how much the W/H really wants to know. Some want to know everything and some don't. When exMM's W found out about the A, he said they "layed everything out on the table" in order to work on things. Yet at the same time, he told me that he "conveniently" forgot to tell her certain things. I personally don't see how that can make things better, and how things can "move forward". Then again, I am not married, and I am not his W. So what do I know?
But please remember that you only heard what your married man wanted you to hear about his marriage. He could have made things sound alot worse then they really were...OR he could have neglected to tell you things that may have hurt you. Did you want to hear that he shared something special with his wife? Of course not....
As far as telling her the truth that is his decision. You say that is being dishonest? Well, didn't you help him be dishonest by having an affair with him? You participated in the betrayal. Do you expect this man to now go home and tell his wife everything so that he can have a clean slate? This man is used to lying..why should he be honest now?
By me telling my H the details would probably be the nails in my coffin. He knows enough, and he probably doesn't want to hear more. Like I said, every situation is different. Some husbands find out that their wives cheated and they are all understanding about it and go to counseling. There are others that do not forgive, and consider cheating grounds for divorce and pursue that option without batting an eyelash.
You can feel sorry for XMM because you think he is going home to a lousey marriage and trying to make it work, but honestly...if it were that bad then why wouldn't he have chosen you instead? Take care of YOU, put YOU first...and don't worry so much about XMM and the mess he has to clean up now.
Jazzdiva