Defense mechanism

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Defense mechanism
6
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 12:33pm
I've been coming on to this board on and off for the past six months. My EMA started a year ago and after just two months i wanted to end it and was never able to. We had NC a few times for two months each time and always got back together. We are both M and he has kids so it's harder for him to find time. I was always frustrated and wanted to end it and he never wanted to but told me he would respect my decision. so whenever I ended the A, I was the one who went back and started it again.

He is not the romantic type to come back and try to get me back or maybe i always made it too easy for him. I was always so frustrated by him since he never expressed any feelings for me except that he cares about me or he wouldn't be risking so much to be with me, which i always thought was BS, since i figured he was having something with me that he was not in his M, excitment, great sex and we are in the same profession so have more to talk about and he always told me he was amazed how similar we are.

Well finally last time i saw him which really made me see him for who he was and that besides all the guilt that i've had to live with in the past year everytime i looked in my H's eyes, i asked him if he ever loved me and he asked me if it's possible to love two people at the same time. I think you can but you love them in different ways. He said he does but he thinks he is holding back because maybe it's a defense mechanism not to get involved more emotionally than he already has and he has a lot to loose. This really opened up my eyes, i don't know if it's the fact that i know he cares but will never say the things i want to hear or he is not the person ithought he was.


But it's been two weeks of NC and I'm so much happier with myself but the guilt is still there, at night I look at my H when he is sleeping and I look at his kind face and can't believe what i have done to him. Sometimes i try to tell myself that it never happened or that i made a mistake and learned to appreciate H more. But i can't even imagine how devastated i would be if my H had done the same to me.

Has anyone else gone through this guilt process and just realized that MM will never give them what they want? I still miss xMM but i feel a strenght that i had not felt before to keep NC, the stories on this board give me the courage to stay strong and not call and keep NC.

Is it really men's defense mechanism to block their emotions but why can't we do it? Or do they just tell themselves that and stay in denial?

Any word of advice or encouragement would be appreciated.

Thanks for listening

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:30pm
wow... your story hits me in a weird way because my MM was like your MM... but also alot like you! And I fear he is dealing with all the same guilt things you are dealing with... ofcourse that hurts me because I don't want to be the cause of his pain and guilt and to know he feels guilty for being involved with me because he hurt her! :( And yet... it endears him to me too because he does love his wife and hates that he hurt her even though she doesn't know it! But... I guess I always wanted him to love ME like that and never would so...

don't ask me why I just went into all that... LOL anyway... hang in there (i guess!? LOL)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:21pm
Hmmm… I see some similarities between us!

I wanted to end my A shortly after it started (well, I never even wanted to start it, but I did!) Anyway, I tried a couple of times but it wasn’t what I really wanted – til the last time we got the most intimate w/each other. I told MM I needed to go back to being friends about a week after. All he replied was ‘I’ll accept whatever decision you make’.

I em’d him twice since that and he never responded back to me. I had sent him a note to his home em explaining everything because I just wanted him to know my feelings. I sent another ‘good luck’ note to wish him well on a presentation but he never answered. It’s been 2 weeks. It’s been 5 weeks since I’ve seen him. We never expressed any feelings for each other – maybe because we are both M. Maybe because we know that we both want our spouses. I think it’s something that we both just needed to explore. We both felt ‘addicted’ to each other.

I can understand your MM saying that he thinks he put up a defense mechanism. My MM told me once that he tries not to ‘over analyze’ things and I thought it was funny because I didn’t realize men did that!

I had a lot of guilt and that is why I ended it so early. I can’t be that type of person. (The lying, etc.) I knew it was wrong from the get-go. Is guilt the only reason that you ended it?

I have missed MM but I think that if I see him it would be worse. I am glad that we don’t see each other often at work. It makes it easier. I think I am over him but only time will tell.

I think that I put up walls in my case, too. Just in case he was ‘using me’ I had to be okay with the outcome. This was not a real relationship for me. I can’t really trust him because I saw him break his trust with his W. Of course I want to believe only the best, but if he never tells me his feelings than I’ll never know for sure.

All I can say is that I’m committed to my H and although I felt I had no choice in experiencing the passion I had with this MM, it’s over for me. I am going to try as hard as I can to stay strong and I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:58pm
Yes, alot of times it is their "defense mechanism". It is so much easier for a man in most cases to supress his emotions. It doesnt mean that he feels any less, it just means that he is very good about keeping watch with his heart and how he feels, not to show so much that it makes him vulnerable. We as women are alot more likely to show alot of emotion and it makes us much more vulnerable. Thats why it is so hard for us to supress how we feel, and makes it just as hard to act as though we dont feel much, because we are such emotional people.

I am not sure that I understand what it would matter, or how it would make a difference to know how he felt, or how much he felt for you. If he had expressed his feelings to you, do you think it would have made you stay in this with him longer? Would you still be feeling the guilt, or would you feel the guilt worse? I can tell you love your husband, and I think that ending this was definately for the best. Take some of this time to focus on your emotions for your husband, and his emotions for you. Let how your husband feels make a difference in your life instead of how the exMM feels. I know this is hard, and we cant just "let go" of how we feel. But I gather that you didnt want to be mixed up in this anyway. So it makes it a little easier when you are the one to choose that it ends.

Knowing how exMM felt will only makes things harder and worse for you. Be strong, and take the time you need for YOU to be okay, and then completely focus on your marriage.

Best Wishes...

H2H

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 9:28pm
I don't think that the "MAJORITY" of MM that get involved with other women make the emotional investment that the majority of the women do and find it easier to walk away when the decide they want to, to themit is an EMA and that is all it ws ever intended to be, but there prepared to say and do enough of the right things to keep the sex tap open.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 12:32am
So do you think most MM want us just for sex. That's what i always thought but then it makes us feel so low and i don't like to think that way and would like to know they are human too or am i just fooling myself? I got a call from MM today and i didn't recognize the # and he wanted to see me and i said i had to work out and then was busy. I have a hard time telling him it's over but in my head it's over and i promised myself to not let myself get trapped again. Do you think i should just tell him? I feel more in control of myself this way. It made me feel so good since i had been ignoring his calls and he knew it but didn't ask me and he knew i was off today and had the time to see him but chose to work out instead :) He kept on saying to get together for just a little bit but i did what he used to do to me and it makes me feel so good. But then was he begging me because his W is out of town and is coming back in two days and he know this is his only chance he has.

Should i just do NC or gradually let him out of my life? Should i talk to him or just stop suddenly? I am moving out of this city in the next six months and he know it and i know then i would really have no choice but i want to be strong enough and end it now. He told me once i leave he has to build up his relationship with his W again and he is not looking forward to that. what does that mean?

I miss him and wanted to see him today but i'm very proud of myself for not giving in and acting like a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 4:53pm
HI i_twilight

I thinks some men are more human then others, but I think women make a mistake in wanting to think that the men there involved with operate the same way they do were it comes to emotions and relationships, most don't.

Your XMM sounds like a standard cheating married man, in it for the sex and ego gratification.

You need to do what is going to be good for you in the LONG TERM not just in the moment.

I personally thing total not contact is the only way to go if you want to end it and start working on your life.

His relationship with his WIFE is not your concern, let him worry about that.

If you have decided that it is over then it is over, your the one with the real power here all you need to do is understand that TRUTH.

Make wise and healthy decisions for YOU

Free