defensive, not good.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
defensive, not good.
4
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 8:56pm

Maybe it's just because I'm not quite out of the fog, but c'mon...
I just don't think my xAP is a horrid person who used and abused me. I DO think the feelings we shared were genuine, albeit misplaced and wrong and misguided. I can't be bitter or angry with him. And when I read all that stuff about every single darn emotion, connection, and AP EVER in an A is a load of crap and lies, I'll admit I feel defensive of my xAP, a little of myself, and a little about the 'big, fat stupid lie' we shared. Gee, defensive of an A?! that is Soooooo not where I need to be right now.

We did a horrible, selfish, immoral and stupid thing to ever get involved in an A. We're both damaged, hurting and needy people who have a lot of painful self-discovery ahead of us if we want to be decent, honorable and trustworthy people. We both admit this and want better for ourselves and for each other. That's is why we _mutually_ agreed to end the A. It was, gulp, LOVING for us to say, "I cannot involve you any more in this behavior that is damaging and so I am ending it." Honestly, I did NOT want to end it when I did. I did it for him. And I can say I'm sure he felt the same way. The context of the emotion was wrong, and we are flawed, but I still think we were capable of genuine feelings towards each other.

Why can't it be that the A is wrong and that is reason enough to end it? Do I really have to convince myself that every tender moment, every ounce of support, every kindness, and all the affection was just a pile of c.r.a.p.? I'm not sure I can do that. I can totally get behind the idea that the A was entirely a mistake, don't get me wrong. And I 'get' the fog, the addiction, the inherently flawed thinking and damaging nature of the A from conception to the end --- but it somehow feels hypocritical that we on the board are all smart, sweet, flawed people... who all got into bed with the devil? I dunno; I just want to be able to extend the same mercies to my xAP and say, "he's a sweet, f'd up dude - no more, no less worthy of grace than am I." And STILL be able to get out of this A, keep no contact (because it's best) and look back on my A _realistically_, which for me means being OK with his flaws and (golly) his good points, too.

I'm going to shut up now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 9:40pm

Oh no, deeulta, please don't shut up because you are onto something extremely important.


I think it's so much healthier and easier to recognize and acknowledge flawed characteric traits vs. picking apart our character.


I never hated JAM...I would have had to hate myself, right?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2009
Fri, 11-20-2009 - 10:53pm

Dee,


I don't hate my XMM either. I see much of myself in him and his actions....to hate him would be to hate a reflection of myself. I see him as someone that was just as lost as I was and that looked in the wrong direction to fill the voids in his life. We are all guilty of that.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2009
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 12:26am

Dee,


Thanks for your post...I thought you were right on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Sat, 11-21-2009 - 3:26pm

I do agree with your post.. but it does vary from person to person. I do agree that we are big girls and "some" knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. It really isnt all about finger pointing. I think it is getting to the core of the matter and deciding what suits you in your life and what you are worthy of. This board is great as I think it mainly focuses on rebuilding your self respect and realizing that you are NOT alone and you shouldn't settle for second best. Unless you don't care than that would be your own prerogative. There is good in a lot of people but in my situation. I put XAP on a pedestal and ME well I was second, third whatever. Who is to blame to let that happen.. ME! As for what I think of him. He is SELFISH. He was ok with getting what he wants at other peoples expenses. At the end of the day, do I continue to take that or do I say ... SEE YA!! Well see ya later! It was too hard in that situation. I do have a HUGE soft spot for him still and I still think he has great qualities (otherwise It wouldn't be so damn hard LOL). So no we are not XAP bashing we are getting down to the nitty gritty and what it really is. Again that is just my opinion! :)

talk soon